


Holding On To The Self

by Momentsofbeing



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Anorexia, Eating Disorders, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Homophobic Language, Hurt/Comfort, James Potter is the best friend ever, M/M, Marauders, Marauders Friendship, Mental Health Issues, Self-Harm, Slow Burn, poor sirius
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-03
Updated: 2019-06-12
Packaged: 2019-07-06 07:34:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 18
Words: 70,743
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15881484
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Momentsofbeing/pseuds/Momentsofbeing
Summary: Sirius looks forward to returning to Hogwarts and escaping the abuse of his parents. But once the new term begins he realises that his problems aren't so easy to escape. Will his friends be able to help him out of his spiral of self-hatred? Will Sirius let them?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warning throughout for mentions of abuse and eating disordered behaviour. Specific chapters may contain triggers for self-harm.
> 
> This is my first time writing fanfiction. Please drop me a comment as any feedback would be much appreciated. This isn't meant to be canon, and its been a while since I've read the books.  
> Also, shout out to Secrets Are Walls That Keep Us Alone (ff.net) and On The Verge of Self Destruction (AO3) for loosely providing some inspiration.

Sirius paced nervously along the platform, chewing his fingertips. He was the first of his friends to arrive, and he was relieved. In fact, he had been the first student to arrive altogether, following his father’s sneering dismissal that he couldn’t stand the sight of Sirius for another moment. Orion Black had apparated with him to the station, clutching Sirius’ arm so tightly he knew it would leave bruises. More bruises. His father had then taken advantage of the emptiness of the platform to give him a proper Orion Black goodbye, boxing his eldest son over the head while barking instructions.

“You will fall in line, you will stay away from Mudbloods and traitors. You will excel in class and you will not shame this family. If I hear anything back that displeases me, you know what will happen Boy, don’t you?”

Sirius stayed silent. Orion gave him such a punch in the face that he flew sideways, crinkled to the floor. “Answer me, Boy!”

“I will be punished,” said Sirius nasally, trying to stem the blood flowing from his nose.

“Good.” Orion scowled down at his son, who didn’t dare meet his eye. One final kick for good measure, and Orion disapparated.

Sirius sighed, then immediately coughed on a mouthful of blood. He was embarrassed, ashamed and angry, desperate for his friends not to see him like this. Even if he knew how to fix his nose, he couldn’t do magic outside of Hogwarts. 

He opened his trunk, grabbed a robe and held it to his nose, which flared with pain when he touched it. He stood, shaking, trying to work out what to do, when he heard footsteps behind him.

“Sirius?” He cursed to himself. It was Lily, his classmate. Lily who hated him and James for the pranks they played on Snape, Lily who James had had a crush on since forever, Lily who might have just seen what his parents had done to him. Sirius turned slowly to face her, clutching the sodden robe to his face.

“Oh my god Sirius, are you alright? What happened?”

“Just a nosebleed,” he told her quickly, shrugging her off.

“Okay, it’s okay, my sister gets nosebleeds all the time. You have to lean forward – not backwards, that’s a myth - and pinch the bridge of your nose, preferably over a sink. Wait! Hold on.”

Lily rummaged in her trunk and extracted her small cauldron.

“Lean over this,” she offered. Sirius stared at her. Why was she being so nice to him?

“Why would you help me? I thought you hated us!” He asked before he could stop himself. Lily looked surprised.

“I don’t hate you, Sirius. I don’t exactly like Potter, he’s an arrogant git, and I don’t like what either of you do to Severus. But I don’t hate you. Hate’s such a strong word.” She looked intently at Sirius.

Sirius, embarrassed, suddenly noticed he was dripping blood onto the concourse and lurched forward over the cauldron. He thought his nose might be broken, but prayed Lily wouldn’t notice, as that could not be explained away so easily.

Behind them, the Hogwarts Express hooted loudly as it drew into the station. A few more students had arrived on the platform, regarding them curiously. Lily realised how odd they looked. Sirius was knelt down over the cauldron, hidden by his characteristic sheet of black hair and the bloody robe he still clutched in his hand, as though trying to hide behind it.

He kept his head down, burning with shame, and slight panic. It was a hard punch, what if the blood didn’t stop by itself?

Suddenly the train conductor appeared at their side in his gleaming red uniform, looking concerned.

“Hey, are you okay?” He asked.

“Nosebleed,” Lily told him, as Sirius only managed a grunt. “It’s been a long one, there’s lots of blood. I’d usually be able to fix it, but we can’t use magic outside of school.”

“Come on board,” said the conductor, “I can fix it and we’ll clean you up a bit.”

Slowly rising, Sirius clutched the robe more firmly to his nose, despite the blood trickling out between his fingers. He was thankful to be taken away from the eyes of his fellow students, who were used to seeing him so calm and collected, before his friends arrived.

On the train they stopped in the first compartment. Sirius sat quickly and Lily pushed the cauldron back towards him.

“Let me see,” said the conductor. Nervously, Sirius removed the cloak, trying to turn away from Lily as he did so.

The conductor whistled. “I think it’s broken. Badly, that’s why there’s so much blood. Hold on, I’ll take care of it. _Episkey._ ”

Sirius yelped in pain as his nose snapped back into place. Another few spells from the conductor stopped the bleeding, and cleaned up the blood which covered Sirius’ face and hands. After cleaning the cauldron and cloak he pointed his wand out the window to remove the trail of blood from the concourse.

“What happened, Son?” He asked Sirius kindly. Sirius winced. How could this stranger be so much more paternal than his own father? Sirius caught Lily’s eyes. She looked surprised and concerned, which he hated desperately. He thought quickly.

“I fell... Outside the muggle station, in London. Hit my nose on the steps. It started to bleed as soon as I got through the barrier."

He realised as soon as he said it that it was a terrible excuse. His cheek was red and inflamed where it had been punched. Lily and the conductor looked disbelieving.

“Did your parents not come with you?” Asked Lily.

Sirius tried not to wince, remembering.

“No… they were busy. I took a muggle… taxi from their house.”

More lies, less believable. The infamous Black family would never dream of allowing their son to take Muggle transport rather than use magic. Lily looked downright concerned now, and Sirius berated himself internally. However, the conductor seemed content with this story, perhaps because he hadn’t recognised Sirius and made the connection, perhaps because he had noticed some students messing around on the platform out of the window.

“Excuse me, I’ve just got to deal with something. You stay here and rest.” He exited.

Lily looked at Sirius. “That was a lie wasn’t it?” Sirius stayed silent.

“Are you okay, Sirius? How did you get such a badly broken nose?” She asked him softly.

Sirius wanted to cry, feeling his eyes pricking. He blinked them away angrily. _No_ , he would not let this be ruined, uncovered by Lily. What if his friends found out? He dug deep and found the words, expelling them with complete conviction, “actually Lily, I was mugged. My parents dropped me at the station early, but I went outside to… smoke a cigarette. I didn’t want to stay here on the platform in case anyone saw me. My friends don’t know I smoke. Four muggles started messing with me, wanting a cigarette, and then my wallet. When I refused, one of them punched me, but someone else saw and shouted and I managed to get away while they were distracted.”

Lily looked shocked. Sirius congratulated himself on the success of his lie – all the better because there were slight truths in it. He had begun smoking during the summer and he didn’t want his friends to know. Remus would lecture him, James would be angry with him. And his parents _had_ dropped him off.

“Sirius, that’s so horrible! Are you okay?” Before he could reassure her, she wrapped him in a warm hug. He resisted his instinct to pull away from the touch and hugged her back, grateful that there was no chance of James seeing them.

“I’m alright, Lily, I was just a little shaken. My nose feels better now. Thank you, for looking after me. Please don’t tell the others what happened? I don’t want them to know I smoke.” He smiled his winning Sirius smile, despite his face still aching.

“Alright…” Lily agreed reluctantly. “Incidentally, I’m not impressed by your smoking, Sirius. My grandad smoked all his life and he has a horrible rough cough which hurts him a lot.”

Sirius let her lecture him, relieved, losing himself in her calm voice. Maybe it would be okay, this term. His friends weren’t going to find out anything. His lies were foolproof. They never need know about his family and he would just be normal Sirius, charming, funny Sirius.

His stomach suddenly rumbled loudly, jolting him back to reality. He hadn’t eaten much for the last week or so, since he had discovered that avoiding meals meant less opportunity for his parents to be angry with him, or hit him. He was hungry a lot at first, but had since discovered he liked the feeling of emptiness. It made him feel physically quicker and mentally sharper - and this gave him power, as though he could avoid their blows if he tried, dodging each fist and diving under the cutting words, escaping.

“Oh – er, are you hungry?” Lily asked, stopping her rant.

“No,” said Sirius firmly. _Yes_ , his stomach said, roaring loudly.

“I’ve got a sandwich you can have,” Lily offered. “I ate before I came but my parents always send me off with spare food, they like to fuss.” She looked embarrassed, but pulled out a distinctly Muggle-looking sandwich.

“I’m fine but thanks, Lily.” Sirius gave her a warm smile. Glancing out of the window, he noticed the huge throng of students. There were greetings and farewells as they waited for the train doors to open.

“Maybe we should go out there, I want to see if my friends have arrived.” He suggested.

“Oh! Yes, sure,” said Lily. Sirius paused awkwardly.

“Actually, I might just get changed first,” he said, gesturing to his red top which the conductor had forgotten to clean and was spattered with unpleasant dark blood stains. He had realised that it was the perfect opportunity to change into his robes without his friends seeing him.

“Sure,” said Lily, “I’ll see you in a bit. Glad you’re okay.” She smiled warmly at him, stepping out of the compartment.

Sirius leant back, taking a moment to breathe and collect his thoughts. _You’re okay_ , he repeated to himself. He changed quickly into his robes, screwing up the bloody top and leaving it in his trunk in the corner of the compartment where the conductor had put it, and took another deep breath. Then he stepped out of the train to find his friends.

*

Sirius stepped out of the carriage, his robes swishing at his feet, to face a swarm of students. Had it always been this overwhelming, to be faced with a crowd of people? He took deep breaths, composing himself as he made his way slowly through the mob.

“Sirius!” He turned to see James and Peter pushing their way through the crowd towards him. James was tall, and found this easy, while Peter kept close behind him. James’ face was illuminated with a smile of relief and genuine joy to see his friend, while Peter’s smile was mixed with anxiety at the pressing throng of students either side of him. Sirius waved madly and they moved towards each other. When James reached him, he enveloped Sirius in an enormous hug. Sirius managed not to wince.

“How have you been mate? We’ve barely heard from you all summer!” James exclaimed.

Sirius shrugged, trying his best not to remember.

“It was okay, yeah. Sorry I didn’t write much, I was pretty busy… family engagements, you know.” He tried to sound casual, breezy, while neglecting to mention the punishments his parents had felt were necessary to ensure he behaved at the various engagements they had dragged him to.

James grimaced. “Sounds horrendous, having to deal with multiple Blacks.”

Sirius tried to shrug and laugh at the same time, resulting in a slightly strained look.

“Where’s Remus?” He asked quickly.

“We don’t think he’s here yet,” piped up Peter. “We’ve not seen him anyway.”

“Ah right,” mumbled Sirius. “Hey, how was your holiday Pete?”

Peter looked grateful to be asked, and James looked slightly guilty. “Good thanks! Just went to France with my mum and grandparents, it was really sunny though. We camped and went to the beach every day.” Sirius nodded, scanning the crowd for Remus. Last year their friendship had felt a little strange, especially during the final few months of term - as though something in the balance of their relationship had shifted slightly, indeterminably. Sirius had got the impression Remus didn’t want to spend time on his own with Sirius, and Sirius had been much more hurt by this than he would have thought. It had made him realise just how much he enjoyed spending time with Remus and he had hoped all summer that whatever distance had come between them could now be overcome and lost time made up for.  

When Sirius finally spotted Remus making his way towards them, he almost didn’t recognise him.

“I…think that’s him?” He questioned, aloud.

“What the hell,” said James loudly, following his eyeline.

Remus had always been tall and skinny, gangly even, but finally he seemed to have filled out for his height, and was even…muscly? Sirius’ head reeled. It was only the glasses, the way he was clutching his books as though they were the greatest treasures he had ever possessed, and the white scars littering his face and arms, that made him certain it even was Remus.

Remus approached them slowly, smiling when he reached them. There was a pause then James demanded to know “when - _how_ on earth you got so fit, Moony?!”

Remus looked embarrassed. “I know you’re going to laugh, okay, but over the summer I started working out and lifting weights…” He dropped his voice, glancing around. “I read somewhere that improved physical fitness can slightly improve the pain of the transformation.”

James looked ready to ask a million more questions when Remus quickly turned to Sirius, who found himself still utterly speechless. “How are you, Padfoot? How was your summer?” The urgency of his questions made Sirius horribly aware that Remus might suspect more than he had previously let on about the state of Sirius’ home life.

“Er… fine,” he managed to stutter out. “Yours?”

“Mine was good, thank you. Why are you wearing your school robes?” Remus inquired.

All eyes turned to Sirius, who tried not to fidget under their gaze. “What on earth is going on?” demanded James. “Have my friends been abducted? Moony now _works out and lifts weights_ , and Padfoot’s so keen to start studying he’s already changed for school.”

“I had a nosebleed,” Sirius admitted reluctantly, as he had hoped he wouldn’t have to lie again. Remus looked at him curiously, which made him feel oddly embarrassed. “I had to change out of my t-shirt, it had blood on.”

James looked surprised. “Couldn’t you just fix it? We are wizards, after all!”

“We still can’t do magic here, you berk. The train conductor helped me…” Sirius admitted, leaving out Lily Evans’ part in it, for reasons he wasn’t quite sure of.

Before the others could respond, the train whistle blew and they rushed onboard, Sirius leading them to the compartment he realised he’d left his trunk in. As they all piled in, he noticed Lily’s trunk on the floor next to his own.

“Fancy a game of Exploding Snap, Pads?” James asked his friend. Remus watched his friend, again curious, as Sirius didn’t seem to hear, worrying his lip with his teeth.

A knock came at the door a few moments later. Lily Evans entered without waiting for an answer, quickly picking up her trunk from the floor. She asked Sirius quietly if he was feeling better. Sirius nodded hastily. James’ eyebrows shot up to his hairline and he looked at Sirius for an explanation.

“Lily helped me with the nosebleed,” he said simply. James looked like he might die of shock. Lily smiled at Sirius and with a “See you later, Sirius”, left the compartment.

There was a pause. Then James threw himself dramatically onto the seat, pretending to swoon.

“Why am I so unlucky? Why couldn’t I have got a nosebleed and had Lily Evans rescue me?” He moaned. “Oh Lily! Dear sweet Lily.”

Sirius kicked him in the shin in a friendly way. “Shut up, James.”

The rest of the journey passed in the usual way. They all chatted about their holidays, Sirius asking so many questions that no one could get in a word to ask about his. Then Remus and Peter began a raucous game of Exploding Snap, while James intoned loudly about Lily’s many virtues. Sirius alternated between pretending to listen, trying not to stare at how different Remus looked, and catching himself gazing out of the window and thinking about his father. When the latter happened, he mentally shook himself and forced himself back into the present. Why couldn’t he shake it off? Usually his relief to be with his friends would draw him right out of his past, but this time he felt he was stuck in his head too much, and even a little anxious around them. He sighed, looking forward to going to bed already, even though it was only early afternoon.

The trolley came down the corridor and James bought a few items, Remus bought some chocolate and Peter bought an enormous armful of sweets. Sirius declined, but regretted it as soon as all three boys turned to look at him in surprise, for he had broken an undeclared Marauders tradition.

“You’re missing out, Sirius,” Peter informed him solemnly. Remus just glanced over at him, and Sirius couldn’t read his expression. James looked at him as though trying to work out if something was wrong. Sirius shifted awkwardly under their gaze, muttered “just don’t fancy sweets right now” and managed to change the subject by asking James whether he still intended to ask Lily Evans out continually this year.

A few other times during the journey he caught Remus looking at him intently. Sirius felt the heat creep to his cheeks and willed himself not to blush. When he smiled back Remus looked away, as though relieved.

While the other boys changed as the train neared Hogwarts, Sirius sat in his robes and congratulated himself on the fact he had avoided any awkward questions. Unfortunately, it gave him plenty of time to look at Remus’ changed body. His back, in particular, which had once been scrawny - with ribs poking out beneath its web of old and new scars - was now sinewy and strong, muscles twisting as he stretched his arms to put on his robes. His waist and hips were still quite narrow, but toned, and his shoulders and arms, though not extremely muscly, were obviously bigger than before. Sirius had to turn away quickly and look out of the window, keeping his thoughts on the magnificent castle appearing ahead and trying his hardest to quell his anxiety.

*

When they finally reached the castle, the Feast began, as glorious as ever. Sirius’ anxiety seemed to reach its peak as the mountains of food around him appeared. He had barely eaten all summer and had grown very used to the empty, sharp feeling it gave him. Not leaving his room for lunch or dinner had also meant having to spend less time with his parents. He had found it gradually easier to eat less and less, which he largely put down to the cigarettes he had been smoking, which had increased proportionally. As the others piled their plates around him, Sirius’ hands fidgeted under the table, tapping his knee anxiously. When he looked up he met Remus’ questioning gaze.

“You okay, Sirius?” Asked Remus quietly. James looked at Sirius now too.

This was the moment. He could say he wasn’t hungry, refuse to eat, even leave the hall. He could tell them he hated the feeling of fullness, that it made him feel weak and slow, sluggish and vulnerable. He could tell them what his father had done to him that summer, what he had done every summer, but the little details which had made this summer stick with him, which made Sirius feel his father’s presence even now, in the safe space of Hogwarts.

 But he couldn’t. He couldn’t break the spell, tell them he wasn’t feeling himself, because that wasn’t what Sirius Black, infamous Marauder, would do. He smiled confidently at Remus.

“I’m great, Moony,” he responded, helping himself to the nearest plate of vegetables, followed by some chicken and potatoes. He started to talk about pranks, so that the others wouldn’t notice how much food he was cutting up and pushing around his plate rather than eating. However he still ended up eating most of it, and felt uncomfortably full by the end of the meal when the food finally vanished. His skin crawled slightly, but he kept ignoring it, playing the confident, funny Sirius until he felt confident his friends would never suspect.

*

That night in bed, Sirius couldn’t sleep. Every time he closed his eyes, he was aware of how much he hurt. He had changed quickly in the bathroom, trying not to look at the bruises across his ribs and back, where Orion had beaten him yesterday. There were still red scars across his shoulder blades from the belt his mother had used on him a few weeks ago, after he had spoken out of turn at dinner and defended Gryffindor. _Stupid_ , Sirius had realised since. They were never going to change just because he spoke out, it would only make things worse for him and make them more convinced that he needed his ideas and friends and House beaten out of him. The quieter he was, the less they had noticed him, and the less they had bothered to beat and curse him. His eyes focused on a burn on his upper arm. Perhaps the most disturbing injury of all, somehow. Orion had caught Sirius with a packet of Muggle cigarettes, and had silently taken one from the packet and lit the end with his wand, staring at Sirius as he pushed the cigarette into his flesh. Sirius had wept with pain, and felt horrified and humiliated afterwards. He had been extremely careful after that not to let his parents catch him smoking.

After a long time spent tossing and turning, Sirius moved quietly to sit by the window, grabbing his cigarettes from the front of his trunk. With his wand he lit one and breathed it in, relaxing as it calmed him, making sure to exhale out of the window. He gazed out over the dark Hogwarts grounds. _He was safe. Things were fine. His parents couldn’t hurt him here. He was okay._

He wasn’t sure how long he sat, eyes closed, repeating this mantra to himself. He had almost fallen asleep when he felt heat near his fingertips and, realising his cigarette had burnt all the way down, hastily extinguished it and threw it out of the open window. Casting a quick spell to blow the smoke out, he shut the window and crept back towards his bed.

“Padfoot?” In the moonlight Sirius saw that Remus was lying on his side on his own bed, looking towards Sirius.

“Hey Moony,” Sirius smiled, climbing back under his covers. “Couldn’t sleep?”

“I was asleep till just now, something woke me up,” said Remus sleepily. “Were you sitting at the window?”

“Yeah,” said Sirius.

“My favourite reading spot,” Remus revealed, yawning slowly. Sirius smiled to think of Moony curled up with a book on the window ledge.

“Sirius,” Remus opened his eyes more firmly now. “Are you okay? You’ve been kind of… quiet today. Just a little off.”

“I’m absolutely fine,” said Sirius, a fraction too quickly.

“Honestly?” Remus didn’t sound fully convinced. “Your holiday, was it really ok? I know your parents can be a bit… shit sometimes.”

Sirius physically winced at this, feeling his wounds. He hoped Remus hadn’t noticed in the dark.

“It was fine, Moony. I mean, I hate them, but it really wasn’t too bad. I’m just glad to be here now.” Sirius spoke with all the conviction he could muster, determined to get his friend off his back. Remus nodded, and met his eyes with a warm look.

“I’m glad you’re here too, Padfoot,” he smiled as his eyes drifted closed. Sirius smiled genuinely at Remus before he gradually fell asleep.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: vomiting

“Awaken, my dearest Marauders!” James threw a cushion across the room at Sirius’ head while jumping up and down on the bed where Peter lay. “A bright, sunny day of pranks and merriment await!”

Across the room Remus shook his head, smiling. He sat fully dressed, cross-legged on his bed, with an Ancient Runes textbook in his lap. Often an early riser, he had been privy to James’ own struggle to wake up just half an hour before. Peter rolled over in bed, letting out an enormous half-grunt-half-snore which set off James’ laughter, and then sat up indignantly. Sirius remained where he was, just a matted heap of black hair peeking out from the bedsheets. Then an eye emerged, followed by an angry scowl.

“Piss off, Prongs!” Sirius grunted, sitting up stiffly. Some of his bruises felt better, most felt worse. He touched his nose gently. That at least seemed better. Sirius climbed out of bed, smiling when he saw Remus with his head in his textbook.

“Morning Moony!” He greeted him brightly. “Sleep well?”

Remus gave him a slightly conspiratorial smile, acknowledging their midnight conversation. “Great thanks, Padfoot. Yourself?”

“Good, in the end.” Sirius smiled, pushing his tousled hair out of his face. He climbed slowly out of bed and shook his hair in impatience, like a dog, which made Remus laugh out loud. Grinning, Sirius padded to the bathroom, grabbing his robes from his trunk.

Remus sighed and looked back down at his book. He had hoped the Sirius Problem (as he called it in his head) would have resolved itself after the summer break. Remus had begun to notice towards the end of the previous term that his feelings for Sirius had altered somewhat, so slightly that he had not been aware of the shift. He increasingly found himself gravitating to Sirius, like a moth to a warm light, drawn in closer and closer by every touch and warm glance from his friend. He’d found himself watching Sirius’ wild silver eyes, his white smile and messy, curly black hair, had realised with a shock that had he been an artist he could have drawn every inch of his friend’s face from memory, from the dimple in his left cheek to the elegant arch of his eyebrows. He knew Sirius’ different expressions too: the intense frown he wore when working on an essay, how his faced _moved_ quite a lot when he was excited or happy, the warm, slow smile of love and friendship that he reserved for James, and for Remus now too.

It was at this point that Remus realised the obvious – his deep love for his friend had crossed over into romantic love, infatuation, maybe even obsession. He was embarrassed and ashamed, but relieved he had caught it in time. He had been staring longer and longer, getting sucked in deeper, and now he took a step back. In the end, he had determined to avoid spending time alone with Sirius, not allowing himself to stare or think or wonder about his friend any more than was usual.

Remus sighed again and lay back on his bed, considering. His textbook fell open on his chest, forgotten. Although they had only been back for one day, he already felt his interest re-emerging, much to his chagrin. Maybe his mental catalogue of the many expressions of Sirius Black had been forgotten in his absence, or maybe it was something else, but he felt that Sirius looked _different_ this term. Did he have a new expression Remus hadn’t seen before? Was it perhaps a physical change? Perhaps he needed to carry out some more observation, keep the catalogue up to date.

Remus sensibly vowed to put a stop to this line of thought, right now.  

“Oi Moony, let’s go down to breakfast!” Hollered James from across the room, where he was emerging victorious from a pillow fight with Peter.

“Hey!” Peter squeaked indignantly, leaping up and running to the bathroom, “wait for me!”

Remus laughed at James, who grinned and lay back on Peter’s bed, his work complete.

“Hey Moony,” James rolled onto the side facing his friend. “How was your summer, really? I know your transformations can be a little rough.”

Remus frowned. This was almost exactly what he’d asked Sirius last night. He hadn’t really believed his friend’s confident assertion that his family had been fine.

“It was…alright, James, it’s never going to be as good on my own as with Padfoot and Prongs though.”

“Did you say working out helped the transformation?” inquired James.

“It’s early days, but I think, maybe? The stiffness I usually feel after transforming back definitely seemed better. Obviously if I injure myself it doesn’t make a difference to that.” Remus shrugged.

“Hmm… you should join us for Quidditch training! We don’t exactly do weights but it is a full body work out, pretty demanding stuff,” James puffed his chest up, proud of his idea.

Remus smiled, touched that his friend had thought of him.

“That… might be good actually, thanks Prongs. I’m terrible at Quidditch though, the actual techniques of the game, I mean. And wouldn’t your team think it weird if I was just randomly there?”

“Nah,” James dismissed Remus’ concern breezily. “I’ll make something up, say you’re interested in observing the effects of Quidditch training on… er… wand-eye coordination, or something. No one thinks it’s weird if you’re studying something random, you big nerd. And we can start doing some more general exercises as well as specific Quidditch ones. I’ve been wanting to try that anyway, to see if it improves other areas of the practice. You’ve given me a great idea, Moony!”

Remus grinned. “Thank you, Prongs. I’ll definitely come along. I -  really appreciate this.”

James smiled back at him easily. “Not a problem, Moony my man.”

“Who’s claiming Moony as their man?” Sirius demanded, coming out of the bathroom. “I’ll fight him, to the death!” 

James rolled his eyes as Sirius fell upon him, and Remus laughed as the two toppled from the bed to the floor, wrestling. Eventually James had Sirius pinned beneath him, both laughing, Sirius trying to catch his breath.

“Moony! You’re all mine, dear Moony, won fair and square!” James called over his shoulder. Remus rolled his eyes. “Don’t let Lily hear you say that, Prongs.”

Sirius wriggled beneath James, whose knees were digging in to his bruised sides. James quickly let him up, realising his friend couldn’t breathe properly. Sirius moved away, gasping, holding his left side.

“Shit, are you okay, Pads?” James asked, realising in surprise that he had been hurting his best friend.

“Yeah yeah, I’m fine,” Sirius said quickly, dropping his hand. “Just a bit… winded.”

“I don’t think I was using much force…” James said out loud, frowning. Sirius gave him a reassuring smile.

“Honestly Prongs, I’m fine, don’t worry about it!” Sirius got to his feet, making sure not to wince despite his whole body crying out in pain. _Stupid_ , he berated himself. His attempt to act like normal had resulted in his friends being more likely to notice or worry about him. He realised with a jolt that it was almost as though Orion Black was present at this moment, here in the room, present in his aching sides and the voice which spoke to him now, telling himself he was _stupid_ and _useless_.

Remus and James exchanged glances. After his protestations, Sirius was now gazing into space with a glazed and distracted look. Before either of them could say anything, Peter emerged from the bathroom, snapping Sirius out of his reverie and demanding they go down to breakfast.

On the stairs, James dropped behind to whisper to Remus.

“Moony, do you think he’s alright? He’s seemed a bit different since we got back. Have you noticed too?”

Remus nodded. “I wonder if something happened this summer?” He said, his voice raising at the end as though it was a question James could somehow answer. James frowned.

Although Remus had never catalogued James’ expressions and reactions like he had with Sirius, he recognised this particular frown. When James was worried or concerned about Sirius, his brow knitted in a tight, determined way, as though he could solve any problem Sirius was facing with the force of his determination alone. He wore this look now as he watched Sirius descend the stair ahead with Peter.

“I’ll ask him,” he promised Remus. They walked the rest of the way quietly, each lost in his own thoughts. James had known for years – they all had – that Sirius’ parents weren’t particularly nice to him. Sirius rarely spoke about his home life but what he had let slip on occasion implied that the Blacks were deeply involved in pure blood beliefs, and perhaps even dark magic. They had disapproved of Sirius being sorted into Gryffindor as well as his choice of friends, and James knew that Sirius never looked forward to going home for the holidays, and relished his return to Hogwarts. That was it, though. James frowned again. Usually Sirius was extremely enthusiastic to be back - almost manic, in fact - and usually by now he would be planning pranks and expressing his ideas for the term, talking endlessly, as though he wanted to forget his summer entirely. This term his friend hadn’t seemed so enthusiastic, but instead a little… quiet and subdued?

James shook his head. He knew his friend so well, but hadn’t been able to read him like usual since they'd been back. But that didn’t mean that anything major was wrong. He would ask Sirius properly, in private, later, make sure he knew he could open up to his friends. But there was no point worrying himself over nothing.

*

Arriving in the Great Hall, the Marauders flung themselves down at their usual bench. James automatically searched the Gryffindor side of the room for Lily. Sirius rolled his eyes at Remus, silently communicating his amusement at James’ lovelorn behaviours. Remus smiled back, biting down his own nervousness. Before he had realised and started policing his actions, he had himself probably behaved a little like James, but towards Sirius rather than Lily.

James piled his plate high with eggs, bacon, sausages and toast. “Quidditch,” he stated, shovelling in a large mouthful. “We need to arrange try outs.”

Sirius tried to conceal his disgust as James continued to eat. The huge spread before him threatened to overwhelm him, making him feel queasy. He noticed Remus was looking at him, and selected one piece of brown toast and some scrambled eggs to fill his empty plate. It took all his energy to keep up a conversation with James, and slowly eat his eggs and toast, fighting down the need both to run away and to relieve his queasy stomach of its contents. The others finished long before him, Remus patiently reading the newspaper and Peter supplying James with more prompts for Quidditch conversation. Sirius let his fork clatter to his empty plate, breathing out slowly. He felt full, unpleasantly so. He had eaten far more than he had for most of summer, what with the chicken last night and this morning’s breakfast, and it made him distinctly uncomfortable.

 “Okay, Sirius?” Remus asked him quietly. His friend was looking a little anxious, his eyes flickering. James looked round. Sirius felt self-conscious, caught in a rising tide of panic.

“Yeah, sure, fine. Just… realised I forgot my book for first lesson. I’ll meet you guys there.”

He stood and walked quickly out of the Great Hall, not waiting for their answer. Remus and James exchanged looks of concern. Peter stopped talking too, realising their attention was distracted. “I’m going to go and speak to him now,” James said, standing as well, before following his friend from the room.

 *

Sirius knelt over the toilet in the dormitory as his stomach finally gave way to waves of pain. He retched, desperate to relieve his queasy nausea. Without thinking, he instinctively thrust his fingers down his throat. Needing the release, his stomach gave in and he snatched his fingers away and was sick, horribly.

As the waves of discomfort and cramping began to subside, he rested his head on his arms, against the toilet seat. Was he ill? This couldn’t just be because he’d eaten more than usual, could it? The ache in his ribs flared up again and he clutched his torso with his hands.

“Padfoot?” Suddenly James was behind him, his voice concerned. “Are you okay? Are you sick?” Sirius couldn’t bring himself to say anything, as another wave suddenly rose and he retched painfully a few more times. He felt James’ hands moving his hair back, keeping it out of his face.

“S-sorry,” he managed, once it was over. James rubbed slow circles on Sirius’ back.

“Shh, don’t worry about it,” James told him. “Do you feel any better?”

Sirius nodded, wiping his mouth with toilet paper. He thought quickly. “I don’t know, I guess I’m coming down with something. I felt a bit run down since getting the train yesterday.” He realised he had hit upon the perfect excuse for any strange behaviour his friends might have witnessed in him.

James felt a sense of relief. If Sirius was ill, maybe with a flu or a cold, that might explain why he had seemed a bit off since he had been back.

“Why didn’t you say, you idiot?” He inquired affectionately. Sirius made to stand and James helped him, as he still seemed a bit unsteady. Sirius shrugged. “Didn’t want to make a fuss.”

They crossed to Sirius’ bed, James supporting him slightly. “I’m gonna have a nap I think,” Sirius murmured as he fell into the warm covers. “Can you tell McGonagall I’m a bit ill? I’ll probably be fine in a bit.”

James agreed, and Sirius fell straight asleep, not noticing James cross the dorm, closing the door quietly behind him.

*

On the other side of the door, James let out a deep breath of relief and ran his fingers through his unruly hair. Sirius was like a brother to him, he thought. It was unpleasant to watch him being sick, but he was relieved that his and Moony’s concern seemed to be unfounded. Heading down to Transfiguration, he joined his classmates filing in. “Sirius is sick,” he informed Remus and Peter, who looked surprised but understanding. He informed his Professor of the same, and she told him that he should send Sirius to see Madame Pomfrey if he didn’t feel any better after lunch. James nodded his assent and took his seat beside Remus and Peter.

Sirius woke up just before lunch, feeling a lot better. His stomach seemed happier now it was empty, he had caught up on the sleep he missed out on the night before, and he was relieved that he had managed to get his friends off his back. He decided to stay in bed, and took out his sketchbook to do some drawing, determined to get back into his favourite hobby. During the summer he had barely drawn at all; despite ending up with a lot of time to himself, it hadn’t appealed for some reason. Now he took up his battered sketchbook, flicking lovingly through its pages. Made of Muggle paper rather than wizard parchment, he had acquired it on a rare escape into Muggle London a few summers ago. Something about it being Muggle made him enjoy it even more, the fact that the pictures didn’t move and the pages didn’t magically expand, or the cover and spine stay magically clean. It had grown lovingly battered the longer Sirius had had it, and it was without a doubt his most treasured possession. Turning to a new page, Sirius cast around for ideas of what to draw. He ended up doodling, waves and lines turning into trees, details becoming leaves and gradually an image of the Forbidden Forest emerged, an image he remembered from the previous year. It was the forest seen through Padfoot’s eyes as he and Moony loped along on a full moon.

James entered the dorm, glad to see Sirius sitting up in bed and drawing intently.

“How’re you feeling mate?” He asked, and Sirius looked up with a warm smile.

“Better, ish. Still a bit under the weather, but not feeling so sick,” Sirius told him, staying close to the truth for once.

“Good!” said James, “Come to lunch? Eating a bit would probably help.”

Sirius huffed slightly under his breath. Why couldn’t he just enjoy himself for a bit, without worrying about unpleasant things? Why did eating have to be an unpleasant thing, come to think of it. Not wanting to push away his friend, or make him worry, Sirius assented, tucking his sketchbook away in his bedside table and following his friend to the Great Hall.

When he sat down, Peter and Remus asked how he was. Before he could answer, Lily Evans also sat down next to him and asked if he was feeling better, to everyone’s surprise. Avoiding looking at James, who looked like his eyes were about to bulge out of his head, Sirius told her that he felt fine, just a bit sick. He remembered as he said this that he had told her yesterday that he’d been mugged, when she’d seen his broken nose. No wonder that she had been concerned when he hadn’t shown up to class. Sirius prayed she wouldn’t say anything to his friends. He had told her he hadn’t wanted them to know he smoked, and he was sure she would respect his privacy and not reveal his secret. He wasn’t sure why he was so sure, but he felt that he trusted her, for some reason. Lily scrutinised him for a moment, then smiled and said, “I’m glad you’re feeling better,” before turning to engage Remus in conversation about the summer reading for Ancient Runes. Sirius glanced up to meet James, who had a strange mixture of expressions on his face, confusion and surprise and even… hurt? James raised one eyebrow at Sirius, silently asking him what was going on. Sirius shook his head and shrugged, smiling at James, telling him nothing was going on, it was nothing. James looked at Sirius with an inscrutable expression for a moment, then glanced away. Sirius felt his heart pound with the realisation that James thought he was lying, that something was going on with him and Lily. They had always been able to communicate silently. They were almost like brothers, after all. Sirius had always been confident that he and James were on the same page, until now. _Another thing you’ve ruined_ , Orion’s voice spoke suddenly into his head. Shocked, Sirius stood up, bumping into the table and nearly knocking over the goblets. Without a word, barely registering his friends’ surprise and confusion, he walked swiftly out of the Great Hall.

For the rest of lunch, Sirius sat alone in the grounds, by the lake. After leaving the Great Hall he had ran straight outside, feeling the beginnings of a panic attack. As soon as he was out of sight of the main door he’d thrown himself to the ground by the lakeside, panting and panicking and desperately trying to get his breathing under control. He’d suffered from panic attacks since childhood, but usually he only got them at home, and for the last few years breathing exercises which he’d taught himself had helped him to deal with them and keep them at bay. He tried hard to focus on his breathing, rather than the terrifying sensation that his father had been there with him, in his head. He held his sides, which ached with the blows Orion had rained down upon him. He shook his head, desperate to get rid of the video which begun to play behind his eyes, reliving his final night at home, each bruise throbbing with the pain as though he was receiving them all over again, hearing Orion’s words as he dealt each blow. _Traitor. Worthless. Useless. Stupid._

Eventually, it subsided, and Sirius came back to himself, still fighting to regain his breathing. He felt numb, exhausted, despite having been asleep just an hour ago. He worried that his friends would think he had gone mad, rushing off at lunch like that, but couldn’t bring himself to go and find them.

After an inordinate amount of time, Sirius sat up properly. He had no idea how long he’d been there, but a glance towards the castle from where he lay concealed showed groups of students moving purposefully, as though for class. Sirius grabbed his bag and moved towards the main door. He was grateful that they had Defence Against the Dart Arts. No conversation was tolerated in class, so James wouldn’t have a chance to interrogate him.

When he walked into the classroom a few minutes late, Remus gazed at him in concern, almost alarm. Sirius had red marks either side of his eyes as though he’d been crying – although this was a subtlety which was lost on James, who looked at Sirius angrily. The way Sirius had rushed off at lunch had further increased James’ suspicions regarding Lily. He couldn’t believe his best friend – his _brother_ – would not tell him about whatever it was that had happened, but he _knew_ it was something to do with Lily. Whether or not something had happened with her, if he even had feelings for her, he should have told me! James thought, heatedly. Sirius did not meet either gaze, but walked straight forward with slightly glazed eyes and took his place on the other side of Peter, who eyed Sirius nervously out of the side of his vision.

The class passed as usual, though Remus kept finding himself watching Sirius. The boy looked exhausted, despite having slept all morning, and seemed to get distracted every so often, staring into nowhere with a troubled expression. What made everything worse, was that Lily was also glancing at Sirius from across the room, a fact which Remus prayed James had not picked up on. He knew exactly what was going through James’ head, though he had not formed the same conclusions. Lily was kind and caring - Remus knew that from his own experience - and if she had befriended Sirius on the train and helped him with his nosebleed, it made sense that she would inquire after his absence.

When the class finished, James grabbed his bag and walked straight out, ignoring everyone. Remus timed it so he and Sirius would leave the classroom together, though Sirius didn’t seem to notice his presence. On their way to Potions, he asked Sirius if he was okay.

“Hmm?” Sirius brought his eyes back from somewhere else, focusing on Remus. “Oh… Remus! Shit, yeah, I’m fine. Sorry.” He stopped talking abruptly as Orion’s voice sounded once again in his head. _Liar_.

“Padfoot. You can tell me the truth. You know how much we – I – care about you. Why did you rush off at lunch? What is it really, what’s wrong?” Remus looked at Sirius so warmly and kindly that Sirius felt himself melting under his gaze. They peeled away from the main body of students into an empty corridor. Sirius seemed to deflate, disappearing inwards again.

“Moony – I - ” He struggled, before lighting on exactly what to say.

“I was mugged, Moony, outside the station, on the way to Hogwarts. Four men attacked me for my wallet. They were Muggles so there was no magic, but they beat me up. The rest of it’s not too bad, just bruises, but they broke my nose, and Lily helped me with it on the platform. I dunno, I’m fine, I just feel pretty sick and want to forget it all and in the Great Hall I – panicked, that she was going to tell you guys and you’d think – I dunno.” Sirius broke off, looking at Remus, begging him for understanding. Remus’ amber eyes met his own and he wrapped Sirius in a gentle hug, desperate to make it better.

“I’m sorry Pads, that sounds so horrible.  Thank you for telling me. I’m glad you’re okay, but it makes sense that having something traumatic like that happen would make you feel pretty rough.” Sirius relaxed into the hug, relishing the touch of Remus’ body all along his arms and around him. It felt safe.

Remus let Sirius go and stepped back, realising he might have been hurting his friend. Sirius smiled weakly. “Yeah, I’m okay Remus, honestly. But yeah…”

Remus smiled back. “You might want to tell James, you know. Pretty sure he thinks you and Lily are having an affair.”

Sirius winced. “Oh Merlin, yes. I will tell him. I don’t know why I was nervous about telling you guys, really.” He felt relieved, once again, at the success of his lie.

*


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: self-harm

Sirius, pushing aside his nerves, had managed to corner James after their next lesson, as they left the Herbology greenhouses.

“ _Listen_ to me, Prongs, it’s not what you’re thinking!” He blurted out the same story he had given Remus, that he had been mugged. His lie was helped by the fact that he began to shake, anxious that James might not believe him.

James _had_ believed him though, and had drawn Sirius close for a hug, apologising for being such an idiot. He had angrily asked more about the attack, and Sirius had furnished it with a few details before saying, despite his embarrassment, “if you don’t mind I’d rather not think about it anymore, Jamie.”

James blinked. “Of course, mate. Sounds like it was pretty nasty. Shame we won’t see the bastards who did it again, or we’d get them back!” Sirius nodded. He tried hard not to think about the fact that he actually _would_ have to see the bastards who did it again.

Later, when they were getting ready for bed, Sirius went to move towards the bathroom to change, only to find himself cornered by James and Remus. Peter lurked awkwardly behind them, not quite sure what was going on.

“Were you badly hurt, Sirius?” Remus asked.

“Let Moony take a look, mate. He’s pretty good at healing spells,” James badgered him.

Sirius protested that he was fine, it was just bruises, but his friends stood firm, James blocking his way whenever he tried to move. Sighing, Sirius finally pulled his robes off, leaving his torso bare. James’ gasp, Peter’s bulging eyes and Remus’ shocked expression made him glance down at himself in surprise.

Innumerable bruises covered his front and sides, vicious reds and purples overlapping older shades of yellow and greens; a tapestry of pain. Sirius frantically yanked on his pyjama top while the other two stood blinking. The room seemed to have paused around them. Sirius was deeply, desperately grateful that his friends hadn’t had chance to see the raised red cuts on his back from his mother’s belt, or the cigarette burn inside his arm. Neither would have been covered by the same excuse of the mugging.

Wordlessly, Remus raised his wand and performed a few healing charms on Sirius, directing his wand towards his friend’s body. Sirius choked out a hoarse “thanks” into the silent room and hurried to the bathroom, slamming the door.

Remus and James looked at each other. Remus had recovered his shocked expression as soon as he’d seen Sirius look down at himself. He’d looked surprised and scared and embarrassed, and Remus had automatically schooled his features into a neutral expression to keep his friend calm. James, on the other hand, still looked pale, his mouth slightly open. Remus recognised the look of pain in his eyes, pain that his brother could be hurt in that way, so…comprehensively. And confusion that he hadn’t mentioned it, hadn’t shown any sign all _day_ , except of course when James had pinned him to the floor. Guilt flushed James’ face as he remembered.

“He’s okay, James,” Remus was saying. “He’s in one piece, just a bit… battered and bruised. The spells I cast… he shouldn’t be in pain anymore.”

James’ jaw set with anger. “He shouldn’t have been in pain in the first place! I could kill them,” he declared violently, flailing his arms in a way that might, in his mind, have been vaguely threatening. Remus stepped back slightly.

“It could have been worse, Prongs. He’s okay. He’s here now, with us. He’ll be okay.”

*

Sirius slumped back against the slammed bathroom door, feeling the slide of the cold wall behind his back as he descended to the floor. That had been too close. He couldn’t risk his friends seeing him like that. He’d felt exposed, naked. At least his ribs and chest didn’t hurt anymore, he realised. Remus’ healing charms had done the trick.

He sighed, scrubbing his face with his hands and heaving a lock of curly hair away from his eyes. He was humiliated, vulnerable and raw. All he had wanted was for things to go back to normal this term. It wasn’t enough that his parents had tormented him all summer. They had marked him, left their agonising marks on Sirius’ body and made his friends ask questions, treat him differently, worry about him.

That was what really got to him, he realised with a jolt. The look of pain and anger and shock on James and Remus’ faces. He couldn’t bear it. He couldn’t _bear_ what his parents had done, what they’d left him with. He couldn’t stop thinking about it now, blow after blow, the angry words shouted at him. His ears rang.

Standing shakily, he seized the nearest sharp object - his razor. Thoughts crowded his mind, Orion’s face leering down at him, raining pain down onto each part of him. He could barely even see. Before he could consider his actions, he had yanked up his pyjama top and swiped his wrist with the blade.

A sharp pain brought him out of his reveries, back to the bathroom, the cold, white-tiled bathroom where he stood quivering against the sink. A small bead of blood pooled on the red line he had left across his wrist. Curious, entirely absorbed, he made another cut. The pain was delicious, all his _own_ pain, nothing to do with his parents or his friends. As he focused on it, his thoughts cleared, he was conscious of himself completely, separate and safe from everyone and everything else. He breathed deeply, relishing the pulse of pain in his wrist.

After making a few more cuts, Sirius felt much calmer. He wrapped the hand towel around his wrist, not wanting to heal it just yet. He looked up into the mirror for the first time, taking himself in. Bright grey eyes gazed back, caught somewhere between pain and ecstasy, neither fully present or absent. His dark hair hung around his face in ringlets, highlighting how pale his skin was. He grinned at himself then, bearing his bright white teeth, and felt like a madman. He admired his cheekbones and sharp jaw, ran his fingers down his neck and fingered his collar bones. He had a strange sensation, like he was floating.

After casting a cleaning spell on the towel, he decided not to heal his wrist. He liked that the scars were there, a reminder of that beautiful feeling of being utterly alone. He pulled down his pyjama sleeve and floated out of the bathroom.

Remus, James and Peter sat cross-legged on James’ bed playing an unusual three-way version of Exploding Snap. They looked up at him when he came out, expressions varying from concerned (Remus), to nervous (Peter), to a mixture of fear and worry (James). Sirius smiled at them vaguely, still feeling self-contained and gloriously alone, and crossed to his bed. As he climbed in and closed the curtains he called “goodnight.”

“Night, Pads?” James said softly. No one said anymore, and Sirius, who was no longer thinking but felt numb in a very comfortable way, drifted off to sleep.

*

Sirius woke up the next morning determined to get things back to normal. And somehow, over the next few days everything did return to something like normality. Initially James hovered over Sirius more than usual, checking he was okay and seeming almost nervous to let him out of his sight, as though something else bad would happen as soon as he did. Sirius took great pains to act like he was fine, everything was fine. He spoke more than usual, especially at meals, distracting James and Peter with plans of an ambitious back-to-school prank. Remus proved harder to distract, however, and a couple of times he noticed Sirius wasn't eating much at meals, and asked if he was okay. In a desperate attempt to avoid this, Sirius had begun to skip the occasional meal, feigning excuses – mostly detentions, which no one thought odd.

Nevertheless, everything generally seemed fine, and normal. When Sirius showed no more odd behaviour James soon stopped hovering and fell back into treating him like he had always done – as his brother and best friend. Sirius found himself avoiding Remus, just a little, just when they weren’t with the others, which made him feel guilty. But this was his chance to get back to normality, and he feared how well Remus could always read him.

Remus, however, was trying his hardest not to read Sirius Black. He was determined to clamp down on his feelings before they had chance to flourish. He noticed Sirius wasn’t spending much time with him on his own, and prayed his friend hadn’t picked up on his besotted behaviour. He forced himself not to stare when Sirius laughed, lit up by the golden light of the common room, or when he would drop himself down into an armchair, flinging out his endless, elegant legs… Remus was having to catch his thoughts a lot. But he kept doing so, because Sirius was one of his best friends – possibly his very best friend – and he couldn’t bear the thought of losing him if his feelings were discovered.

*

The Quidditch try-outs were coming up that week, and after that practice would officially begin. Remus would be attending practices too, like James had promised, and he was nervous about how his presence would be received. Quidditch had always been James and Sirius’ thing, and he didn’t want to cut in on it. Not to mention it would mean spending a lot more time with Sirius, who looked truly glorious when he was caught up in the fast-paced speed of the game. Seeing him like that, Remus suspected, would not help with the Sirius Problem. Still, Remus couldn’t help but be happy at the prospect of seeing Sirius more, and getting a closer insight into the sport he and James felt so passionately about.

Sirius found himself back in his favourite position of keeper without even having to audition, which he was grateful for. He had missed flying so much that summer, and spent the first practice of term wildly shooting around the Quidditch pitch letting out loud whoops of delight while James and Remus laughed at him on the ground. The Gryffindor team was generally accepting of Remus’ presence at practice, or at least they did not question James’ excuse that he was there to observe ‘the effect of Quidditch on wand-eye coordination’. To support the pretence, Remus brought a notebook onto the pitch, charming it to fit neatly into his Quidditch robes, and occasionally jotted something down.

James had planned the first practice with the detail and intensity of a general planning a battle.

“We're going to have a major focus on general fitness this coming term,” he announced to the Gryffindors, “as part of my master plan for Quidditch domination.” Sirius and Remus rolled their eyes at each other. James outlined his extensive week-by-week schedule, saying he hoped this new training would give them the edge over the other teams who tended to focus purely on Quidditch technique. Ignoring the groans of his teammates, he got them running laps, doing press-ups and other general fitness for the first half an hour of each practice.

Sirius was happy with this new arrangement. He relished the feeling of running particularly, how his heart would thud and his limbs would burn and he would fly over the ground almost as smoothly he flew through the sky. He liked Remus being with him; while James was running all over the place yelling encouragement, Remus kept a steady pace beside him and they savoured the silence beyond the soft thud of their trainers on the ground. He felt closer to Remus than he had in a while, and he’d missed it. He’d forgotten how much he felt at ease in Remus’ silent presence.

*

That weekend, Peter proudly produced a bottle of firewhiskey from his trunk. His older sister had presented him with it before he left, in the unspoken hope that he’d be able to impress his friends. Peter had been looking forward to showing the others, and the Marauders were exactly as excited and impressed as he’d hoped. Sirius summoned four goblets from the kitchens and they distributed the alcohol, settling down on James’ bed for an evening of prank planning and other important conversations, punctuated by the occasional wrestling match.

After an hour or so James, spurred on by the firewhiskey which was by that point making the room spin for him, confessed with great shame that he had cheated on Lily over the summer by kissing another girl. Sirius and Remus grinned hazily at each other. “Pretty sure you have to be actually dating her for it to be cheating, Prongs,” Remus explained patiently.

“No no,” James shook his head drunkenly. “It’s the _feelings_ , Moony. I’ve cheated on my feelings!” Sirius and Peter fell about laughing. Remus smiled and rolled his eyes.

“What happened, anyway, Prongs?” asked Sirius, sitting up.

“It was… a family party thing,” James began slowly.

“You kissed someone in your family??” The other boys started laughing.

“She was just a second cousin or something!” James protested drunkenly, and they were in stitches again. Sirius found himself crying with laughter.

“God mate, sounds like you’d fit right into my family,” joked Sirius, realising with a little pang of pleasure that he could _joke_ about them now. He was so far removed from the Blacks right now – sprawled in the warm Gryffindor dormitory with his closest friends – that he could actually joke about them. _You can’t hurt me now,_ he thought, confidently, happily, gloriously, riding the heat of the firewhiskey inside him.

Remus grinned even more. To see Sirius so lit up was dazzling.

When their laughter eventually subsided James told them seriously about the kiss. Peter seemed so keen to say something he was practically bouncing up and down.

“Ikissedagirltoo!” He quickly squeaked when James finally paused for breath. He’d met a girl on holiday and had kissed her during a game of Truth or Dare.

“Not sure that really counts, Peter!” Sirius pointed out. Peter looked crestfallen, but James slapped him on the back and exclaimed wisely “a kiss is a kiss, mate!”

“What about you, Padfoot? Any summer smooching for you?” James asked. All three boys cringed at the word ‘smooch’.

“Nope,” said Sirius bluntly, swilling the firewhiskey round his goblet before taking another large swig. James and Peter looked surprised. Remus was gazing intently into his own goblet.

“But you were such a ladies man last term!” protested James. Sirius looked slightly embarrassed.

“I didn’t date _that_ many girls,” he began, but was cut off by the incredulous looks on his friends faces. He laughed. “Okay, I guess maybe I did.”

“It was only… hmm, what was it, Peter? About half the year?” James smirked.

“That’d be all the girls then!” Sirius pointed out. “I only dated the hot ones.” He crossed his arms as his friends now laughed at him. Remus laughed too, ignoring the thoughts that ran through his head. _Y_ _ou haven’t got a chance_. _Sirius only likes attractive people.  
_ _Attractive girls._

“Who are you gonna date this term?” Peter asked Sirius.

“Probably no one,” Sirius admitted. “There’s no one I like really, and I got a bit sick of dating girls I didn’t care about.” James raised his eyebrows.

“What about you Moony?” James asked. Remus felt his cheeks flush.

“Er… my summer was a bit quiet,” he said vaguely. His summer had been quiet for the most part, as his parents lived in the countryside too far away from anything for him to really meet anyone else. However, he had been sent to stay with his aunt for a few days in Wales. She lived in a small town where there were one or two other wizarding families whom Remus had been introduced to. He’d ended up spending most of the evening with a boy, Ben, about his own age, back home from Beauxbatons for the holiday, and had been shocked but pleased when Ben had kissed him when the two found themselves on their own. Remus had been so surprised by the attention that he had agreed to Ben begging for them to stay in touch by owl when they went back, but so far hadn’t heard any more from him. He’d dismissed it as just one of those things that happens on summer holidays, but it had been a positive experience, suggesting that somewhere out there existed boys who might find him attractive enough to kiss, at least.

Remus wasn’t sure why he wasn’t telling his friends about the kiss, but put it down to the fact he was quite a private person. It was absolutely nothing to do with Sirius who sat, flushed by the whiskey and the golden light of the candle, metallic eyes gazing at him expectantly.

“Anyone you’re interested in?” Peter probed, and Remus pulled his eyes away from Sirius.

“Not really…” said Remus, realising too late that he should have said a firm ‘no’. The other three looked at him with interest. “I couldn’t just date anyone anyway,” he went on quickly. “They could never know about my… furry problem. So I’d have to disappear every month and never be able to tell them why. They’d probably think I was cheating on them.”

James and Peter looked sympathetic – they’d never thought about Remus not being able to date, and it explained why he hadn’t so far. Sirius frowned though. “But Rem, if it was someone you really liked I’m sure they’d be… understanding. If you told them the truth. If you were in a proper relationship, I mean.”

Remus sighed. “Yeah, well, to be honest it won’t matter anyway after Hogwarts. I’ve got to register myself as a werewolf, that’s the law, so it won’t be such a big secret anymore.” They mulled this over in silence.

James decided to lighten the mood. “So just a couple of years of virtue for Remus and then he can go for anyone he wants!” He attempted to clank his goblet with a ‘cheers’ against Remus’ but ended up pitching forwards. Sirius grabbed James’ shoulders before he could hurtle into Remus, and Remus looked at him gratefully. Peter started to tell them drunkenly about his crush on Marlene McKinnon, and the conversation moved back into more hopeful territory as the Marauders encouraged him to ask her on a date.

*

The first Hogsmeade weekend of term fell on a full moon, which meant that Remus would be unable to go. The other Marauders would also not be going, despite Remus’ protests, as they had perfected their full moon routine of transforming into Animagi to keep the wolf company and wanted to save their energy for the night’s antics. It was for this reason that Sirius suggested to James that the two of them sneak down the passage into Honeydukes two days before the full moon, to get some chocolate for Remus. James agreed enthusiastically, always up for an adventure. Peter had his first date with Marlene McKinnon that night, and Remus was studying in the library, keen to get ahead on work before it got too close to the moon, which left just the two of them.

As it grew dark outside the castle, James and Sirius snuck out of the Gryffindor common room under the Invisibility Cloak and moved as stealthily as they could down the hall. Once safe in the tunnel, they pulled off the cloak and once they had got a good distance away were able to talk in normal voices again. They resumed the discussion they’d been having earlier – been having all day, in fact, ever since Slughorn had announced a Slug Party and formally invited the two of them after class. James was very excited to take Lily as his date. So excited, in fact, that Sirius almost felt bad as he reminded James that Lily needed to actually know about this and say yes first. Now the topic of discussion was how best to ask Lily.

“I could climb up on my desk in class and declare it,” James proposed. “I could write a message across my robes under my cloak.” Sirius pulled a face.

“Isn’t this just a variation of your current technique, mate? And that’s not going so well for you, is it? Plus, it’s kind of like you’re flashing her. What about something more… romantic?” Sirius suggested.

James turned to him in amazement. “That’s a good idea, Pads. She doesn’t seem to like my more… straightforward approach.”

“More like straightjacket approach, mate,” Sirius said, cringing appreciatively at his own bad joke. “I dunno, anyway. You know me, I’m hardly romantic.”

“Who are you gonna ask?” James inquired curiously. “I know you said the other day you weren’t interested in anyone, but this is an opportunity that can’t be missed!”

Before he could think about what he was saying, Sirius voiced a thought that had been running through his head all day. “I thought I might ask Moony.”

James stopped walking. “Moony?! As in, our Moony? Remus Lupin.” He repeated.

“Yes?” Sirius was a little exasperated, halting as well. It felt like the perfect solution to him. After Slughorn’s invitation earlier he had been running it over in his mind. With what Remus had said the other day… Sirius hadn’t realised before that the prospects for Remus’ love life were so bleak. When he, James - and Peter, it had turned out later, whose mother had been close friends with Slughorn at school – had all been invited and Remus had not been, Sirius had caught an expression of resignation and shame on Remus’ face, despite his friend turning away quickly. He’d been searching for a way to make his friend feel better about the situation, and this seemed ideal. Sirius wasn’t interested in anyone, Remus wouldn’t _let_ himself be interested in anyone, so they might as well go as friends and have a good time, with all the Marauders together. James frowned when Sirius expressed this.

“Remus won’t react well if he thinks you’re inviting him because you feel sorry for him, Sirius,” James told him sternly. “You know he hates feeling like a… charity case, or something.” Now James looked embarrassed.

“I’m not!” Denied Sirius vehemently. “I _want_ to go with him, I’ll have a better time going with him than I would with any girl!”

Something else occurred to James just then and a softer expression crossed his face. He bit his lip, not sure how to explain it to Sirius.

“Sirius, I - ” James carefully worked out what he was saying. “I don’t think Remus is interested in girls. Did you notice he didn’t use any pronouns in our conversation the other day? I think he might like guys instead.”

Sirius looked surprised, but still determined.

“So? I don’t care about that stuff. I’m not homophobic, just because everyone I’m related to is?” He sounded almost defensive now. James sighed.

“I’m not saying that, just – well, look at it from Remus’ point of view. He might think it a bit patronising, that his straight best friend offers to take him on a date because he hasn’t got anyone else.” He explained to Sirius, patiently.

“Who says I’m straight?” Sirius threw back unexpectedly. James blinked in surprise. Before he could speak, Sirius sighed and relented. “Look, I get it, James. You’re right that Remus might not react well. But he’s just going to be stuck in the common room, or the bloody library, by himself all night. I just want him to know he is wanted, you know?”

James struggled internally, wondering how much to say to Sirius about his suspicions. He hadn’t told Sirius all the details of why he thought Remus might be gay. He might wear glasses as thick as magnifying glass, but James Potter wasn’t _blind_. He had suspected since last term that Remus’ feelings for Sirius might be a little more than platonic. He was well aware that Remus had avoided confirming whether he was actually interested in someone or not during their conversation the other night. But Sirius was clearly completely and utterly oblivious and, while it wasn’t James’ place to reveal Remus’ feelings for Sirius – he might not even be correct, anyway – he felt obliged to stop Sirius from accidentally embarrassing Remus by inviting him on a one-sided date. Fortunately, another objection presented itself.

“You know Sirius, if you went with Remus, people would probably jump to conclusions that you were… together. You’d be outing him, effectively, and also yourself. There’s going to be a lot of Slytherins at Slughorn’s party who might not take the news so well.”

James hadn’t expected the look of pale shock which washed over Sirius’ face. “Shit, yeah,” said Sirius quietly, as if to himself. “Lucius… Narcissa… My parents would definitely find out.” Sirius rubbed his hand through his hair repeatedly, almost as if he wanted to pull it out.

James patted him on the shoulder awkwardly. “Your parents can be right bigoted dicks, the last thing you need is them thinking you’re gay.”

“God, yeah,” Sirius agreed vehemently. “Not to mention if they thought that Remus…” He trailed off. The thoughts of what his parents might do to Remus if they thought he and Sirius were _together_ in some way was too unbearable to think about.

Sirius shuddered, glad James couldn’t see him too clearly in the dark tunnel. He started walking again, to block out the face of Orion which was blurrily beginning to appear behind his eyes. His wounds throbbed, though he knew he must be imagining it, as they’d stopped hurting when Remus had healed him.

“You’re right James, it’s not gonna happen.” He smiled shakily at his friend. “Think I might just skip the Slug party instead and keep Remus company.” He smiled genuinely then, happy to have hit upon an actual solution.

The rest of the way they were fairly silent, intermittently chatting about James’ plans to ask Lily. Once in Honeydukes Sirius carefully chose chocolate for Remus, while James helped himself to a few items for himself and as much chocolate as he could carry for Peter. They left some money in the till before re-entering the dark passage. James disregarded Sirius’ suggestion that they sneak into the Three Broomsticks for a beer by pointing out that if they got caught they might be in danger of getting detention through the full moon. As soon as he said this Sirius agreed immediately and the two made their way back to Hogwarts, bearing their spoils.

*

That night, as Peter raved about his successful date with Marlene and the brief kiss he’d given her, James studied his other two friends thoughtfully. The four Marauders had gathered around James’ bed once again, dragging over pillows from their own beds to prop themselves on the floor. James was surprised that Sirius had given all of his chocolate to Remus, who had looked surprised and moved by the action. Since then Remus had worn a smile of genuine happiness and contentment as he nibbled his chocolate, sat against the head of the bed. Sirius lay on his side with his head on Remus’ lap and chatted with his friends, shaking his head whenever they offered him sweets, shuffling and reshuffling the forgotten Exploding Snap cards in his elegant fingers.

James realised that he had assumed Remus’ feelings were one-sided but tonight… it was strange. Whenever Sirius looked at Remus he had an expression of such kindness and affection, almost protective, that James felt as if he shouldn’t be watching. It wasn’t that he thought Sirius liked Remus romantically, but watching the pair tonight seemed to reaffirm the unique closeness he had often observed between them. He vowed to talk to Remus, to ask him about his feelings for Sirius. The two clearly cared about each other so much, it would be terrible if Sirius’ obtuseness came between them somehow, as he really didn’t seem to realise Remus’ feelings for him. James wanted to let Remus know he was there for him, just as he was for Sirius. His mind lingered for a moment on Sirius’ protestation that he might not be straight, wondering if maybe there was a _chance_ for Remus, but before he could follow this line of thought Sirius threw a chocolate frog at him and he was rudely dragged from his thoughts back into the conversation.

*


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A shorter chapter than usual, but there's quite an intense one to follow soon. Thanks for the kudos and comments, I really appreciate it and it spurs me to keep on writing!

Sirius had decided that he was definitely feeling better. Sure, he was having nightmares, but the strange daytime moments when Orion’s voice would speak directly into his head seemed to have reduced significantly in number. In general Sirius felt good, riding through each day on a slight mania of light-headedness induced by skipped or half-eaten meals and numerous sneaky cigarettes. He found himself waking up early, between six and seven, and had taken to going for a morning run around the Quidditch pitch, letting out any anxiety left over from the nightmares – which would leave him shaken and covered in sweat when he jolted awake – and mentally cleansing himself before the day began. He’d take his sketchbook and spend the rest of the time sketching by the lake or, when it was too damp or dewy, back in his dormitory while he waited for his friends to wake up. His first full moon drawing had led to many more remembrances and a whole series of lightly pencilled, surreal pictures, from Padfoot’s perspective. Sirius felt proud of them. It was the first time in a long time he’d been proud of anything he’d drawn. He considered showing them to James, or Remus, but eventually decided to keep them for himself for now. He liked that about his early morning routine – it was _his_ time, to be alone and have things just for himself.

At the weekends they would always have Quidditch practice first thing in the morning. Sirius would shake James awake, already wearing his red and gold Quidditch robes. James would bat him away grumpily, but Sirius was always in a good mood on Quidditch days and wouldn’t let up, cheerily trying out various techniques to wake his friend. Usually James wouldn’t properly wake until Sirius jumped on top of him, lying flat out across James’ body like an extra duvet. After inflicting such a rude awakening, it was generally safer to stay out of James’ way for a bit, so he would then bound across the room to Remus’ bed, yanking open all the curtains on his way. He’d whisper “Moony”, then pause and watch his sleeping friend for a moment. Remus had such a striking expression, peaceful but complex, when caught in the moment between sleeping and waking. Sirius would gently shake his shoulder and whisper his name again. Remus would stir slowly and smile sleepily at Sirius when he fully opened his eyes.

“How come you wake Moony up so nicely, Padfoot?” James ranted across the room as he groped around for his Quidditch robes. “What have I ever done to deserve it?”

“Just been your lazy self, Prongs,” Sirius threw back over his shoulder, smiling one more time at Remus before moving away to sit on his bed. Remus sighed and climbed out of bed, narrowly beating James to the bathroom, resulting in another dramatic rant from James who was angrily yanking on his Quidditch robes, almost falling over in his determined but misguided attempt to get two legs into one hole of his trousers.

Sirius grinned from where he lay flopped on his bed, watching his friends fondly. Once the three of them were dressed, they headed down to breakfast. Peter had pleaded to be permitted to lie in at weekends rather than endure being woken up by Sirius. On this particular day, Sirius started to read the _The Daily_ _Prophet_ , sipping his black coffee, while Remus listened patiently to James talk about his Quidditch plans for the season.

“Mate, are you on a diet or something?” Sirius glanced up from his newspaper to see James staring straight him, a slight frown creasing his forehead. Sirius’ hand tightened on the handle of his coffee cup.

“What,” said Sirius flatly, not making it into a question.

“I swear I’ve not seen you eat breakfast in weeks. All term, maybe,” James said, still watching him.

Sirius gritted his teeth. James was exaggerating. He definitely ate breakfast, sometimes, even if it was just a piece of fruit. Though maybe not this week.

“No,” he responded, trying not to sound as annoyed as he felt. “I’m not on a _bloody_ diet. I’m just… not hungry in the mornings.”

James didn’t seem to buy it. Sirius felt like he could see James’ mind whirring behind his eyes. His eyes which now bore into Sirius as though trying to read him, seeking the link they’d always had, the connection that was so hard to describe.

“You’re not hungry much these days, Padfoot,” James observed in a softer voice. Sirius didn’t know what to say. Eventually he settled for a nonchalant shrug, trying not to look directly at James. James turned to Remus as if for help, but Remus looked just as lost as he felt, and didn’t say anything. James sighed. They were suddenly interrupted by the squawks and hoots which signalled post arriving, James’ owl swooping in with a thick letter from his parents. The moment was over, but not before Sirius looked up and caught Remus’ eyes, which were studying him in a way that made Sirius feel slightly odd, giving him a jolt to the stomach which made him almost queasy.

*

Quidditch practice managed to restore all of their good moods. It had been discovered through sheer chance (an escaped Bludger making its way straight for Sirius’ head, only for Remus to snatch up a bat and whack it violently out of the way before it could reach its target) that Remus actually made a pretty impressive Beater. The wolf gave him impressive reflexes and strength, though only James and Sirius knew this. It was decided he would be made Reserve Beater. This position meant it was actually fairly likely he would see game play, as Beaters were by far the most likely players to be injured. Remus’ teammates had congratulated him enthusiastically, especially James and Sirius, and Remus blushed profusely to find himself the centre of attention for once. He felt proud and pleased that he had impressed the others with Quidditch skills he didn’t know he had, yet felt a vague nagging worry about it all that he couldn’t quite place.

*

That night, Sirius had another nightmare. _He was curled in the darkness in the cellar of Grimmauld Place, with a sharp pain in his side, a pounding head and an ache in his leg. He was thirsty and desperately hungry, but the darkness was what was really bothering him. A thick, murky darkness, as though he was submerged in a deep swamp. Sirius longed for a window, or a candle, anything at all. He scrabbled in his pockets for his wand, or even his Muggle lighter, but found nothing. When he touched his side, his ribs seemed to throb beneath his fingers. He wasn’t sure what had happened, or how long he had been there. But alongside fear of the dark and his situation, Sirius felt a strange sense of relief. He knew - with the certainty peculiar to dreams - that he was at least safe down here from the figure who lurked on the edge of his mind, the huge hulking beast he sensed on the other side of the cellar trapdoor._

Sirius woke up with a jolt, a noise bursting out of him, a noise of desperation and relief. He threw off the covers, sweaty and breathless. He was in the Gryffindor dormitory, he remembered after a moment, and could just about make out the pale light from outside through the window. _The window_. Sirius moved towards it as though it were an oasis in a desert. He shoved open the window and took great gulps of air, hanging on the windowsill and rocking gently back and forward as he fought the lingering presence of the dream, of his father.

On mornings like this, Sirius wasn’t so sure he was feeling better after all. The moment in between his nightmares and waking was no different from being back there, in his parents’ house. The few precious minutes it took for Sirius’ memories to come flooding back – of Hogwarts, of who he was and who he was not – were some of the most unpleasant of his life. Before the memories rushed back in, he might as well have been ten years old all over again, fearing being beaten by his father, knowing very little of life except that he was a Black and a Pureblood and expected to obey the Rules.

Sirius stopped his rocking at the window to light a cigarette. All too often he didn’t dare sleep again after the nightmares. He started most days with a similar shaky cigarette, curled on the windowsill against the thick red curtains, increasingly pulling his duvet over him from his bed, as the September mornings grew colder. It took an enormous focus of effort, every single morning, to completely push Orion from his head and get himself prepared for the day, before his friends woke up.

“Sirius?”

Sirius flicked the cigarette out of the window on reflex as he heard Remus’ voice from across the room. He was glad to find he was calmer, not shaking at all as he turned back to face him.

“Remus?” He glanced into the bed next to him where Remus lay on his back, arms behind his head, gazing up at the red draped curtains. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you.”

Remus rolled over to look at him, amber eyes smiling gently. “Nah, you didn’t. I couldn’t really sleep anyway. I’d just dozed off when I heard a noise, and it took me a while to wake up properly but when I did I thought there was someone at the window.”

“Ah, yeah, that would have been me,” Sirius said, awkwardly playing with his hair. He had a strange urge to tell Remus about the nightmare, but he knew he couldn’t. Though maybe he didn’t have to tell him _everything_.

“I had a nightmare.” He flung it out quickly before he could regret it. Remus looked sympathetic. He climbed out of bed and walked over to where Sirius stood by the window, twisting his curly hair round and round his finger. Remus gently stopped his hand.

“Are you okay?”

Sirius met his eyes, and Remus saw something there that he had caught flashes of before. Tiredness and pain. Remus realised he still had his hand over Sirius’. He took it properly in his own and gave it a gentle squeeze before dropping it to his side. Sirius smiled weakly. “Yeah, I’m… okay. Just tired. It’s happened a few nights now,” he admitted, wondering why he was being so candid and open, but he was so tired and it felt surprisingly nice to admit these things out loud to Remus.

In unspoken agreement they moved back to sit on the window ledge, pressing close together in the chilly morning air. Sirius leant his head on Remus’ shoulder and they sat quietly for a moment.

“Want to talk about it? Your dream, I mean,” offered Remus.

Sirius shuddered. “Nah, s’alright.”

“Okay.”

They were silent again. Remus wrapped his arm round Sirius’ shoulder and began playing with his friend’s hair. Usually he would be worried, fretting that he had crossed a line and would make Sirius uncomfortable, but now it didn’t even occur to him. Sirius leant into his touch.

“What about you anyway?” Sirius asked eventually. “Why can’t you sleep?”

Remus hummed. “I don’t know, I keep… worrying. About being Reserve Beater. I’m slightly stronger than humans, because of the wolf, and I move faster. I guess its probably stupid. But I hate the idea that I might accidentally hurt someone,” he confessed.

Sirius reached up and took Remus’ hand, squeezing it comfortingly. “It’s not stupid, Moony, But I really don’t think you will. Quidditch is a pretty violent game anyway, people get hurt, that’s part of it. But your job as a Beater… its much more important to keep the bludgers away from our players than it is to hit them into the opposition. Even if you only do the first thing you’d be a massive asset to the team because you’re damn good at it.”

Remus chuckled in relief. “I guess… I hadn’t thought about it like that. Thanks, Siri.” His old nickname for Sirius fell out automatically. He hadn’t used it since last year. It had become his own, personal nickname for Sirius and he’d decided it was yet another thing he’d need to keep an eye on. James and Peter both called him Padfoot. Whenever he said ‘Siri’ it felt oddly intimate, so he’d started using ‘Padfoot’ instead, like the others.

But the current moment _was_ oddly intimate. Sirius was so close to him, pressing up, head in the crook of Remus’ neck, their fingers looped together on his shoulder. Instinctively Remus moved his fingers a little over the back of Sirius’ hand and a small shudder ran down Sirius’ arm.

Sirius raised his head slightly and found himself very close to Remus’ face. A strange thought went through Sirius’ mind but he chased it away, not trusting himself with it. Remus deserved better than him, than that. He didn’t even know why he was thinking it, perhaps just because he was really, really _bloody_ tired.

Sirius rose slowly, letting their hands separate. “Think I’m gonna try sleep some more, Moony,” he said, yawning. Remus shook away his disappointment and stood too. He moved towards his own bed, but Sirius stopped him with a hand on his arm.

“Will you - ” Sirius asked, embarrassed. “Would you… sleep with me? In my bed? I’m sorry to ask, but - ” he rubbed his hair awkwardly. “Nightmares.”

Remus knew as he looked at Sirius that his problem was only going to get worse after this, now that he’d had a rare sighting of awkward, embarrassed Sirius. Sirius who'd admitted he was vulnerable, and let Remus help. Sirius who’d just invited him into his bed.

Remus also decided he didn't give a damn.

He climbed under the duvet quickly before his thoughts strayed anywhere else. Sirius climbed in too and both fell asleep after a few minutes, curled up facing each other, their fingers slightly touching.

*


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: self-harm

James Potter slowly opened his eyes the next morning to a room generously lit by shafts of warm golden sunlight. It seemed, for once, that Sirius the human alarm clock had failed to wake them up. Which would have been great, except – he realised with a jolt as he looked at the clock – Quidditch practice started in fifteen minutes. James threw himself out of bed towards the bathroom, cursing. As he stomped past Padfoot’s bed he noticed it was empty, and cursed some more. Why had Sirius chosen this day to forget to come and wake them? As he approached Remus’ bed to remind him of Quidditch, he realised in surprise that there were two figures curled there, facing each other. They were almost like mirror images, right down to their arms which extended between them and lightly held the other’s fingers. One had wavy black hair and the other had brown but they had identical smooth, peaceful expressions.

James picked his jaw up off the ground and decided that regardless of the lovely moment his two friends seemed to be having, Quidditch was more important.

“Oi wake up you tossers!” He biffed the two sleeping bodies lightly in their shoulders and they woke up immediately. Sirius glared at James, while Remus looked confused and a little surprised and embarrassed. James grinned at them. Revenge was sweet.

“Quidditch in ten minutes, boys!” He strutted off to the bathroom, whistling.

Sirius stretched, yawning, while Remus climbed out of bed awkwardly and began to pull his robes on. “Can’t believe I slept so late,” muttered Sirius, rubbing sleep from his eyes. His limbs still felt heavy and tired, as though he could now feel the weight of all of the sleep he had been missing out on over the past few weeks. When James rushed out of the bathroom a few minutes later, Remus was already in his Quidditch robes.

“C’mon,” James urged them, “we’ve got time to grab a bite of toast or something on the way down there.”

Sirius hadn’t even started getting dressed. “You two just go, I’ll be down in a minute,” he offered.

Throwing up his hands in exasperation James left the room at a brisk walk followed closely by Remus. As they walked companionably down to the Great Hall, James turned suddenly to Remus with a slightly wicked smile.

“So why was Padfoot in your bed this morning, Moony?” He asked lightly, carefully watching his friend’s reaction. He wasn’t disappointed; Remus turned the colour of a tomato as he remembered that he’d woken up to find his fingers entwined with Sirius’.

“Sirius had a nightmare,” Remus said in the end, trying to sound casual. He hoped Sirius wouldn’t mind him telling James, but he didn’t want to lie.

 James just nodded thoughtfully, his eyes still glinting slightly. “Can I ask you something Moony?”

Remus experienced a sensation of sinking dread about what might possibly follow, but nodded reluctantly.

“Do you like Sirius?” James carefully emphasised his words so that there was no way Moony could miss his meaning. His cheeks flamed bright red again, removing any possibility of denial. Seeing no other way out, Remus slowly nodded. James admired his bravery for admitting it, considering how long he must have been hiding it.

“Are you gonna tell him?” was James' next question. He was grinning now and didn’t seem surprised at all. Remus realised he had probably already worked it out before and cursed himself for being so damn obvious. He shook his head rapidly. “No no. Absolutely not. Please don’t mention it?” He begged James, suddenly registering that it was Sirius’ best friend that he was speaking to.

James frowned. “I won’t. Are you sure about not telling him? He can be pretty obtuse when it comes to these things. But I can kind of imagine… if it was spelled out for him…” James stopped abruptly, not really sure where he was going with this and not wanting to give Remus false hope. But James Potter was the kind of guy who liked things to be straightforward, out in the open. And after what he’d seen this morning, he wondered, perhaps there _was_ some hope for Remus...

Remus shook his head again. “I’m pretty sure he doesn’t see me that way, and I’m one of his best friends. The last thing I want is to make things awkward within the Marauders.” He tried to smile but it came out as a grimace. James looked at him sympathetically, and patted him on the arm a little awkwardly.

“Well, if you wanna talk about it, Moons, I’m always here. Even though he’s my best mate, your secret’s safe with me. You can even tell me what you like about him, if you want, the way I guess I talk about Lily, even though it’d be a really fucking weird because its _Padfoot_ , I’d still listen and -” James realised he was rambling and forced himself to stop. “How long have you liked him for?”

Remus fidgeted awkwardly. “Since last year I guess. Though,” he paused, realising he had nothing to lose now by being completely honest, “I think it started before that. It just took me a while to recognise it.”

James nodded wisely. “You know it crept up on me too, with Lily.” Remus looked disbelieving.

“I mean it. At first it was just a bit of fun to keep asking her out, I kind of liked making her mad, but then after a while it just got more… real I guess,” James admitted. “I like her _so much_ , Moony, I’d give anything to be with her, but I messed up so early on that I’m scared she’ll never give me a chance.”

Remus nodded, extremely surprised to hear James Potter, of all people, _properly_ talking about his feelings.

“I guess I’m scared about that with Sirius,” Remus said slowly, “I mean if I told him and messed it all up, it might ruin everything after that. Our friendship, the Marauders. I’d never be able to undo it. We might not get another chance at being friends if I said or did something…” He trailed off. James looked at him in understanding.

“Love is hard,” he declared, and Remus found himself nodding in agreement. _He loved Sirius_. He’d not thought of it using… that word, before, but it fitted.

James shook his head, smiling. Moony loved Padfoot. It was so weird, but at the same time, it completely made sense.

*

That afternoon, James finally decided how he would ask Lily to Slughorn’s party. He sent Remus and Sirius to look up the books he would require in the library – Remus had glared at him slightly as they left, knowing exactly what James was up to by sending them together. James smiled innocently back. He took Peter with him to stake out the grounds outside of the Gryffindor girls dormitory tower, the site of his grand proposal.

Peter was happy to be left alone with James. Of the other Marauders he had always liked James the most, as he was confident and friends with everyone but also kind and loyal. He’d been kind to Peter when they first met, and he always stuck up for him. Peter liked Remus and Sirius too, but sometimes felt a little intimidated by Remus' cleverness, and by Sirius, who could be a little too quick and sharp. James walked round, asking Peter his opinion on various aspects of the Plan, and Peter felt appreciated.

Sirius, meanwhile, followed Remus down the narrow aisles of the library, taking the books Remus passed back to him.

“So what do you think of the plan, Rem?” Sirius asked him cheerfully.

“It’s surprisingly… sweet,” Remus admitted.

Sirius laughed. “I know, I’m still shocked Prongs had it in him to be so romantic.”

“Who’re you going to ask?” The question slipped out of Remus’ mouth before he could consider it and he tensed, because he knew he wasn’t going to like the answer, whoever it was.

Sirius shook his head, “I’m not going.”

Remus was surprised and felt a warm feeling of relief. “Oh? How come. I should think you have people queueing up to be asked by you.” _Stop flattering him,_ he quickly chided himself, but Sirius just laughed it off.

“Nah, I really don’t. Dunno, Slughorn’s parties are so stuffy, and full of my relatives. I’d much rather do other stuff. Like hang out with you,” Sirius said, giving Remus a grin.

Remus felt himself blushing and fought hard to suppress it. They had stopped, and Sirius stood close to Remus due to the narrowness of the aisle. The bookshelves pressed in close either side of them. Remus tried hard not to look at Sirius’ lips. Sirius’ grey eyes gazed into Remus’, intently, then flickered down to his mouth. Sirius ran a tongue nervously over his lower lip, and Remus thought how _easy_ it would be if he just leant forwards. But Sirius was suddenly gone, stepping back, and Remus could breathe again. “Here’s the section!” He was running his finger over the spines. Remus closed his eyes, composing himself. He felt both relieved and slightly sorry that the moment had passed.

*

The next morning, Lily Evans arose to a commotion on the lawn outside her window. Her dormmates were sleepily pulling on robes and dressing gowns, wondering what on earth was happening. Alice was the first to the window and she gasped. “Lily! You’re going to want to see this…”

Surprised, Lily tugged on her worn blue dressing gown and moved over to the high window.

James Potter stood down on the lawn beaming up at her, surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of roses in various colours, all of which seemed to have grown there since last night. They were twisted and twined in beautiful patterns, but strangely situated and Lily squinted as she realised they spelt out words.

_Lily Evans, will you go to Slughorn’s party with me?_

She was shocked, surprised and distinctly embarrassed. Girls from the other years hung out of their windows as well, above and below, whooping and laughing. Lily turned to her dormmates in shock.

“Wow, Lily!” said Marlene. “That’s actually pretty romantic.”

“Who knew James Potter had it in him?” agreed Dorcas.

Lily stepped firmly to the window again and glared down at James, and then at Sirius and Remus for good measure. Yet she couldn’t help but be impressed. It was so  _big,_ taking up the entire lawn as far as she could see. Yet the individual words had been so intricately woven. The sheer _scale_ of magic required… And it was all for her. Underneath her embarrassment she felt oddly moved.

Professor McGonagall swept out of the castle to where the Marauders stood. She took in the scene: James Potter stood a little further apart from his other friends, who leant casually against the tower wall, in a veritable _ocean_ of flowers, looking up at something earnestly.  

“Potter!” She demanded, “what is all this commotion?”

“Please Professor,” James turned his innocent-eyed look upon his head of house. “I’m asking Miss Evans on a date. She hasn’t answered yet!” He called this up to Lily’s window. She blushed profusely, turning the same shade as her hair. Okay, she was distinctly embarrassed now. Even Professor McGonagall was now looking up at her. Maybe it was best to just get it out the way…

“Fine.” She told him. The Marauders erupted into cheers as did, to her surprise, the rest of the Gryffindor girls at the other windows. Lily couldn’t help smile down at James then, taking in the impressive display of roses one more time, before hastily pulling closed the window.  

*

That morning the air at the Marauders’ breakfast table was one of jubilation. Sirius watched with great pleasure, for once, as his best friend talked endlessly about Lily. Sipping at his too-hot coffee he watched Remus too, and found himself wondering if Remus felt that way about anyone. Remus caught his eye a few times and looked slightly embarrassed. Sirius wondered if he could read his mind.

The arrival of the post forced James to pause for a moment in the praising of Lily’s many virtues. To Sirius’ surprise he had a letter himself. He bit his lip anxiously, recognising the Black family crest. Nothing good ever came of his parents’ letters. He couldn’t imagine what he could have done to piss them off though. It couldn't be anything too bad or they'd have sent a Howler.

Remus watched with concern as Sirius ripped open the letter and scanned the page quickly. By the end he had gone a little pale and looked like he might be sick. He was shaking too. Remus went to say something but Sirius quickly shoved the letter away and stood, saying he’d meet them in Potions. James looked up in surprise but Sirius was already stomping out of the hall.

_Sirius,_

_Your mother wished me to make it clear to you that we expect the best grades from you this term. It’s bad enough that you are in the house of Mudbloods and traitors, but if you are not top in_   _all_ _your classes, you will be punished. _

_Orion Black  
_

The threat wasn’t just unsubtle, but had even been underlined for emphasis. Sirius felt physically sick. He had just about been able to forget about his father, but his father clearly hadn’t forgotten about him. Punishment would be waiting for him whenever he had to go back. He had a feeling that meant the belt – that was what his father reserved for when he’d done something very bad. Getting less than perfect grades would probably be considered very bad. Sirius sat on the stair outside the entrance hall, in the sun, arms looped around his knees. He was still shaking, and finding it harder and harder to breathe.

Suddenly someone was beside him, a gentle hand on his arm. “Hey, hey, it’s ok. Look at me, Sirius. Deep breaths.”

He looked up through his nausea and panic into the calm face of Lily Evans. She spoke slowly, getting him to do breathing exercises similar to the ones he had taught himself, and after a surprisingly short amount of time felt his panic subside. Lily sat down next to him, using her wand to pour him a cup of water.

“Thanks…” he said slowly, taking a sip.

“I used to get panic attacks like that,” Lily told him conversationally. “My parents would do those exercises with me until I calmed down. I had them teach me so I could do them myself when I came to Hogwarts.”

Sirius smiled weakly. “I taught myself similar ones actually. But it’s hard to get them to work, you know? When you’re doing them on yourself. Hard to… get to a place where you even remember how to do them.” He looked down at his knees.

Lily looked at him sympathetically. “Sounds like you get them pretty bad.”

Sirius shook his head quickly, “nah, I’m okay.” Lily didn't believe him but didn’t say anything.

“Madame Pomfrey has potions that help with them,” she said eventually. “If it ever gets bad… you could always go to her. I had one the very first night I came to Hogwarts and it helped loads.”

“Yeah, maybe. Thanks,” Sirius said. He sounded tired and small, Lily thought. She had a strong desire to put her arms round him and give him a hug. Up close, her encounters with Sirius were so different from how he seemed when he was with the other Marauders, especially James. He seemed lost, once you took away the show of confidence and bravado.

“Does anything particular trigger them?” She asked him casually, not wanting him to close up.

Sirius didn’t intend to tell her. But something about her expression – so calm, understanding, not judging – made him want to. “Oh well this one was… it’s just… I need to get good grades this term,” he confessed. “Like really good. Top of the class. Or my parents will be… disappointed. They sent me a letter.”

Lily frowned sympathetically. “You’re pretty clever Sirius, I’m sure you’ll be okay. It’s kind of unfair of them to expect you to be top in _everything_ though. As long as you do the best you can...?”

She trailed off. Sirius was shaking his head. “No, they don’t really think like that. They just want me to be what they want. Nothing else will do.” He sounded sad, and his eyes had glazed over as he looked out ahead.

Lily did put her arm round him then, giving his other arm a gentle squeeze with her hand. That seemed to bring him back out of himself.

“Do they put a lot of pressure on you?” She asked, knowing the answer but wanting to give Sirius space to say it. He nodded, sighing. “They want me to be perfect. I’ve already fucked things up in their eyes by being in Gryffindor. And by being friends with ‘blood traitors’ like the Potters.” He didn’t mention Muggleborns but Lily sensed the unspoken word there.

“What happens when you can’t live up to what they want? Because what they’re asking for sounds pretty unreasonable to me, Sirius,” said Lily firmly. Sirius closed his eyes and swallowed, as though trying to block something out.

“It’s nothing.” He stood suddenly. Lily hoped she hadn’t said the wrong thing, but he stuck out a hand and helped her to her feet.

“Thanks Evans,” he said, his confident, slightly mischievous smile back in place. “You’re alright, you know. And thanks for saying yes to Prongs by the way, he’s over the moon.”

Lily found herself smiling then. “It was actually quite impressive. I thought he deserves a second chance. And if nothing else, hopefully it’ll stop the public displays of affection.”

Sirius grinned wryly. “Can’t guarantee it, but you should be safe for now.”

They headed back inside, Sirius feeling a little lighter than he had before.

*

During the days that followed, Sirius submerged himself in his schoolwork and the company of his friends so completely that the only alone time he got (aside from his early mornings) was during his sneaky cigarette breaks, snatched here and there between lessons, or during the meals he would skip. The skipped meals were far more luxurious cigarette breaks, as he would sprawl on the grass by the Lake, cigarette in his mouth and sketchbook and Muggle pencils in his hand. He needed to be working, keeping his grades up, but it was hard to concentrate on magical history when the sun was shining, so he often found himself drawing instead. It wasn’t the best hiding place, but no one had ever found him there, as he was hidden from the path by a slope of grass and it wasn’t a direction that anyone would go for classes. He had come here for the third time in as many days, when someone finally found him.

Sirius resented having to maintain a façade of eating normally just so that his friends didn’t worry, particularly after James’ bizarre suggestion that he was on a diet, and was finding it more stressful to attend meals than to just avoid them. He had skipped three lunches in a row, pleased to avoid consuming anything for at least one meal each day. His excuses were wearing thin, and his “I just need to talk to look for some books in the library” had produced a raised eyebrow from Remus, and a frown from James. He had headed off anyway, perhaps a little too quickly, hoping James wouldn’t be thinking too much about it, and now he was beginning to feel anxious, though pleased with the empty pull of hunger in his stomach.

He sat chain smoking on the grass in the sun, sketchbook forgotten at his side. The lightheaded sensation he got from smoking soothed him, as did the view of the lake glittering before him. His supply of Muggle cigarettes was running low, and he was considering how he would get more when, suddenly, a shadow fell over him and he almost dropped his cigarette in panic. Looking up, he saw it was Remus.

“Oh, Rem, it’s you,” he grunted, attempting to cover his flustered reaction by running his fingers through his hair. Remus raised his eyebrows at the cigarette.

“Okay if I join you?”

“Of course,” responded Sirius, nervously crushing his cigarette under his boot.

Remus looked out over the lake, taking in the gleaming sunlight on its surface as he considered what to say. Sirius observed how the light reflected over Remus, highlighting his strange amber eyes and the gold-bronze of his hair. He felt an odd sensation in his stomach.

“You smoke,” stated Remus, realising he couldn’t really just ignore the obvious.

Sirius shrugged, the moment broken. “Yes,” he confirmed as Remus wasn’t looking in his direction.

“Since when?”

“Dunno… took it up over summer,” Sirius told him, not keen to remember anything more about his summer and hoping Remus wouldn’t probe. He was doing well at blocking out most of it, most of the time, during the day at least.

Remus looked directly at him for the first time with a wry smile. “You know James will kill you if he finds out, right?”

Sirius shrugged and raised his eyebrows. “But you won’t?”

Remus smiled and looked down. “No, I won’t.”

Sirius watched his friend carefully, relieved.

“Don’t think I’m happy that you do it, mind,” Remus’ hint of a Welsh accent came out now, and Sirius smiled nostalgically to hear it. “But it doesn’t surprise me. And it’s your choice.”

He looked back up at Sirius, who smiled at him warmly, relieved.

“Thanks,” said Sirius softly. They sat in silence for a moment, feeling the years of close friendship between them. It was intimate, but not in a way either could put their finger on. Sirius loved these moments with Remus. It made him feel gently content, and understood.

“I - ” Remus began, and Sirius noticed he was wringing his fingers, which Remus only did when he couldn’t work out how to say something. Then he plunged in, his words rushing out, “I’ve noticed you… aren’t coming to meals much, at the moment. And when you do, you really don’t eat much. James didn’t pick the best way to point it out the other day, but I have noticed it too. I wondered… is everything alright? Are you ill?”

Sirius froze, unsure what to do or say. Remus looked straight at him, and he saw concern etched in his friends’ features, an expression that he both appreciated and dreaded. Remus was so much harder to brush off with a simple denial than James had been.

“I’m fine, Remus,” Sirius began. He realised he was fidgeting with the sleeves of his robes and forced himself to stop. He had transfigured a black t-shirt to lengthen the sleeves and wore it under all his robes now, just to be certain no one would notice his scars. “Honestly. I’ve just had lots of detentions and -” He cut off at Remus’ disbelieving look.

“I heard McGonagall talking about how surprising it was that none of us had got detention yet so far into the term,” said Remus calmly, scrutinising Sirius for a reaction.

Sirius had no idea how to respond. He felt terrible for being caught out lying, and immensely guilty. He looked down at his knees, shoulder-length curls shielding him from Remus’ gaze.

Remus felt a pang of worry as he watched his friend hang his head. Since overhearing McGonagall earlier, every possible reason Sirius might have to skip meals and, more importantly, to lie to them about it, had been running through his head. Some were ridiculous, some reasonable and he tried to reassure himself, but he couldn’t turn off the instinctive feeling that it was something deeper, more serious, that was going on with his best friend. He began to remember the bruises he’d seen at the start of term, the way Sirius had looked when he left the bathroom afterwards, as though he was not there in the room with them anymore. He wondered if Sirius’ strange behaviour was anything to do with the mugging, if it had been traumatic for Sirius.

“Just tell me, Sirius,” he begged. “Please. Are you okay? Did something happen?”

No response. He still couldn’t see Sirius’ face, but his hands were shaking. Sirius felt himself quivering, and worked hard to block out the memories resurfacing. Remus finally voiced the concern that had been in his mind for a long time, exacerbated by Sirius' reaction to the letter he received at breakfast a few days ago.

“Sirius? Did – did something happen over the summer?”

Subconsciously, he began to scratch at his wrist beneath his robe as he thought desperately of an excuse to give Remus. _More lies._ Orion’s voice resounded in his ears. _A useless son and a useless friend too._

Before Remus could say anything, Sirius suddenly stood, turned and ran off, leaving behind his sketchbook and school bag.

Remus lay back in the grass, too shocked to chase after Sirius. His friend was in pain, that much was clear, and he had been trying to hide from and shield his friends from it. Stupidly, they had dismissed it as physical pain from having been attacked – they had missed the emotional pain, which was now so clear to Remus. Sirius had been distracting them all so successfully that they had barely noticed the glazed, far-away look he got now and again, or the fact that he never got changed near them anymore, or the fact that he had not once told them anything about his summer holidays.

Remus tried not to jump to any conclusions about what might have happened to Sirius or what had changed in him. Guesses and assumptions wouldn’t help anything. He needed the truth.

Noticing the sketchbook beside him, Remus picked it up. He paused. Considering. Then he shoved it in Sirius’ bag. He wasn’t going to snoop through Sirius’ stuff, no matter how much he wanted to get to the bottom of what was going on. Sighing, he stood and stretched out his legs. He had fucked up - he could definitely have handled that better. He really hoped Sirius wasn’t freaking out. He needed to find him. Seizing his friend’s bag as well as his own, he headed to the Gryffindor tower in search of Sirius.

*

Sirius had not headed back to his dormitory, but instead to the rarely-used Astronomy Tower, running flat out until he made it there. Then he curled up on the stone floor high above the castle, breath coming thick and fast until the panic attack began. He tried to remember the breathing exercises Lily had done with him the other day but it was no good. It submerged him and kept him under for some time. The voice of his father revisited him, shouting that he was a _useless worthless traitor._ Sirius shook his head till his ears rung, like a dog trying to shake off water, but Orion wouldn’t leave him. He began to feel like he was underwater, as though his father had him tightly by the neck and was holding him under, trapping him in the panic and terror and blackness of the cellar from his nightmare.

He grabbed a cigarette from the packet stuffed into his robes, struggling to light it through his panic and fear, then took a deep inhale. Everything was too fast and he ended up coughing and spluttering. He pulled back his other sleeve. In desperation, he pushed the hot cigarette end down onto his skin, shuddering through the wave of pain but keeping the cigarette there, determined. Orion had done this to him. But Sirius could do it too, himself, he could do what he wanted through _his own choice_ and Orion could never take that away from him. The cigarette fell from his arm and he subsided into choked, hysterical sobbing.

It was many, many minutes before Sirius felt he was himself again. Sharp pain finally brought him back, and he looked around him, relearning where he was. His arm burnt red hot, and grabbing his wand he cast a spell - “Aguamenti” – to soothe the burning. He was horrified at what he had done to himself. This was worse than the cuts, a small circle of red raw pain glowering up at him from his wrist.

After a while, the water falling from his wand onto the wound seemed to help and the burn lessened. Sirius felt nothing by now. Yanking his sleeve down he left the tower, wanting nothing more than to fall into sleep and forget the horrific events of the afternoon. Unfortunately, he ran into Lily Evans as he approached the Gryffindor Common Room. She stopped short at the tear stains on his cheeks and his blank expression.

“Sirius? Oh my god, are you okay?” she rushed up to him but stopped short, unnerved by the stony gaze he turned on her. He brushed past her without a word, entering the common room and heading to his dormitory.

*

James Potter was concerned about his best friend. Sirius had been acting oddly again. He had huge dark marks under his eyes as though he wasn’t sleeping. James knew Sirius got up early, but didn’t know what he did for all that time on his own and it made him curious and a little bit worried. During the day Sirius seemed mostly fine, though he was working much harder than usual now, until it came to meals. He ate nothing at breakfast, just black coffee, often didn’t even come to lunch, and it wasn’t till James had finally noticed his friend carefully composing a dinner which consisted of a few pieces of chicken and some salad that he realised Sirius really wasn’t eating much at dinner either. This had prompted him to ask Sirius, a little bluntly perhaps, if he was on a diet, because he couldn’t think of any other reason for his friend to skip meals or eat such unsatisfying portions. Sirius’ response hadn’t reassured him. At least if it was a diet it was something James understood, kind of. Sirius _really_ didn’t need to diet. James didn’t really think anyone needed to, but especially not Sirius as he was slim anyway and he played Quidditch all the fucking time. But at least that explanation would be something familiar. Something he could tease Sirius about, even, or get him to at least talk about. James couldn’t think of any other reason for his friend’s behaviour. He didn’t seem ill at all, he was fine in lessons and at Quidditch, although there had been that time he was throwing up at the start of term. It was a mystery, and James Potter did not like mysteries he couldn’t solve, especially when they concerned his best friend.

When Sirius didn’t turn up to lunch yet again, Peter and James and Remus looked at each other. Peter looked confused, James looked slightly angry in the way he sometimes did when he was actually worried. Remus looked determined, and stood up. “I’m going to look for him.” Before James could wholeheartedly agree with this plan, Remus was striding purposefully out of the hall, already running through his mind a list of places where Sirius might have gone. It had taken him a while, but he had finally found his friend down by the lake. Remus had paused for a moment before approaching him. Sirius lay elegantly on his side facing away from the castle, towards the water. His sketchbook was closed on the grass in front of him, but Sirius was looking straight ahead, deep in thought. His fingers held a cigarette which he occasionally took a deep drag from, seeming to relish it. Remus had pushed aside his thoughts about how _beautiful_ Sirius looked. He needed Sirius to trust him and talk to him, as a friend.

*

Remus headed straight to the dormitory after Sirius ran off, but found no trace of him. He was starting to panic that he’d messed up in a major way, and he was concerned about where Sirius was or why he’d run off. On his way back down he bumped into James coming up the stairs. Remus shook his head before James could ask if Sirius was up there. James bit his lip and looked helplessly at Remus.

The two ended up sat side-by-side on Sirius’ bed, waiting for him to return. They talked about him, wondering if he was okay. Remus relayed their encounter by the lake, carefully not mentioning the smoking, and described Sirius' odd reaction to the letter he'd received the other day. James finally confessed his fears that something might have happened to Sirius over the summer. Though he had never worked out the details, James suspected that Sirius’ parents could be cruel to him, even potentially abusive. But Sirius had never admitted to it, or even allowed there to be a conversation about it on the few occasions when James had brought it up.

“But he has seemed okay since we’ve been back, so I just brushed it off,” James told Remus anxiously, messing up his hair with one hand. “And he keeps saying he’s fine, even when he’s acting bloody weird, I just don’t know what to do? I want to believe him. Part of me wants to just keep on pretending that he’s alright. But I’m not sure he is?”

James looked at Remus, desperately seeking his understanding. Remus sighed. “I know, I know. But we’ll talk to him, get him to open up to us. Hopefully it won’t be anything too bad, or it’ll be something we can solve together.” Remus wasn’t sure if he was trying to convince James or himself.

Suddenly the door slowly creaked open, and James stood up hopefully. Sirius came round the door like a ghost, moving towards his bed as though on auto-pilot. When he realised Remus and James were hovering by the bed, he pulled up short, his eyes taking a while to focus on them. _As if he was somewhere else,_ thought Remus.

“Sirius?” James addressed him gently, using his proper name for once. “Are you okay? We’ve been worried about you.”

Remus took in the tear tracks on Sirius’ cheeks, his shaking hands, the way he tugged at his robes. Not thinking, just doing, Remus moved forwards automatically and wrapped his arms around Sirius, who froze. Then, to his relief, Sirius relaxed into his arms and began to silently weep on Remus’ shoulder. James, hovering awkwardly, met Remus’ eyes and saw relief, sorrow, pain on the werewolf’s face. James himself was shocked. Sirius never cried, not even when he had fallen off his broom during First Year and badly shattered a bone in his leg. Tentatively, James joined in the hug, being careful not to crush his best friend who shook and wept between them.

*


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: vomiting

James and Remus were both shocked and relieved by Sirius’ reaction. They both assumed (wrongly) that Sirius crying profusely on Remus’ shoulder would lead to him actually opening up to them and telling them what was wrong. Instead, after crying for what felt like hours, with Remus gently stroking his hair, Sirius moved towards his bed as if to sleep, but James caught his arm. Sirius winced as the pain flared in his wrist but James didn’t notice.

“Tell us what’s wrong, Pads, please, we’re so worried about you,” James begged, sounding close to tears himself. Sirius just shook his head, his burnt arm throbbing under James’ grip, unable and unwilling to say a word. He kept trying to move towards his bed despite James’ hold on him and eventually James let go, allowing Sirius to climb under the covers. He felt better than he had before crying, but he was now utterly exhausted and drained. He couldn’t bring himself to look at either of his friends, let alone worry about what to tell them. James and Remus communicated with each other in silent, desperate looks about what they should do now.

After a few minutes of Sirius lying in silence with his eyes shut tight against the world, his breathing deepening, Remus wordlessly climbed into his bed behind him and wrapped his body against Sirius’ back. He put his arms around his friend and squeezed him very very gently. Sirius sighed and settled in to the contact.

“I’m sorry, Rem,” he whispered eventually.

“Shh,” Remus stroked Sirius’ hand softly, “you don’t have to be sorry. We’re just worried, because we have no idea what’s going on or how to help you.”

“I… I can’t talk about it,” said Sirius quietly. “I don’t know how. It gets stuck in my throat.”

“That’s okay,” Remus reassured him. “Tomorrow we can try, maybe.”

Sirius nodded, relieved. Slowly, he began to drift to sleep in Remus’ arms.

James didn’t sleep much that night. After listening with baited breath to the exchange between Remus and Sirius, he crept softly to his own bed and lay there. He felt lost and overwhelmed. At least, he thought to himself, Sirius can’t possibly pretend everything’s fine anymore.

*

Next morning, however, Sirius was gone when James woke up. Remus lay alone in Sirius’ bed, jolting upright when James woke him and cursing to himself when he realised Sirius had gone. They went looking for him, but neither thought to check the Quidditch pitch where Sirius ran back and forwards, pushing his body further than he had before, until he collapsed in an exhausted heap. They finally caught him at breakfast, but Sirius refused to say anything at all about the previous night or where he’d been that morning. He drank his coffee with a resolute glare, as though daring James to comment on his eating habits again.

James, in his frustration, tried to push Sirius into explaining last night. Peter sat watching them with wide eyes as Sirius grew increasingly angry and closed off. Remus lay a hand on James’ arm to stop him but it was too late; Sirius had slammed down his cup so hard that the coffee spilled all over Peter, and stormed out. James put his head in his hands and groaned. Remus sighed as he cast a cleaning spell on Peter’s robes. This really wasn’t how he’d thought it would go.

They saw Sirius in class but he said nothing to any of them except, if necessary, about the lesson. He’d been paired with Lily Evans in Potions and she asked him if he was okay. He wondered if she’d heard their argument at breakfast, before remembering that he’d bumped into her last night on his way to the common room. _For fuck’s sake_ , he thought to himself at the realisation of yet another person knowing he was messed up.

“I’m fine,” he told her curtly. Lily didn’t believe him but didn’t want to push. Even the way he chopped ingredients was hostile. She’d overheard James at breakfast and didn’t want to make Sirius angry again, especially as she didn’t quite know where she stood with him. She considered them friends, kind of, but she’d only spoken to him properly a handful of times and she didn’t think she dared bring up stuff he was refusing to talk about even with James.

Sirius skipped lunch to smoke a cigarette before going to the library and submerging himself in studying, something which felt very alien to him but he knew was necessary after his father’s letter. It also helped him not to think about the events of last night. He felt embarrassed, humiliated and angry. His friends now knew, definitively, that there was something wrong with him. He’d worked so hard to hide it; it was so unfair.

Sirius sighed, hands grasping his hair in frustration. He didn’t know if he was angrier at himself for having cried like that, or at his father for having messed everything up for him in the first place.

*

“You’re coming to dinner,” James told him firmly, looping Sirius’ arm in his own as the class filed out of Transfiguration that afternoon. Remus walked on his other side and gave him a warm, slightly hesitant smile. Sirius shrugged and let them drag him to the Great Hall. He hadn’t eaten a thing all day and was beginning to feel slightly unwell.

“Sirius,” Remus began as they all sat down. “You know we care about you a lot, all of us do. We’re really concerned. We know something is going on, and if you let us, we can help you deal with it.”

“Nothing is going on,” Sirius hissed, angrily spearing carrots. “I. Am. Fine. Can’t you just leave it?”

“Are you just going to eat vegetables?” James asked, indicating his plate.

“So what if I am?” Sirius threw back with his most challenging expression. James sighed and looked away. It wasn’t meant to go like this. They ate the rest of their meal to the relentless sound of Peter talking shrilly about Marlene. Peter talked too much when he was nervous. Sirius said nothing. Remus watched him, while occasionally responding to Peter. James found himself increasingly catching the eye of Lily Evans, who was watching them curiously from further down the table.

*

Sirius’ mood swings were an established occurrence amongst the Marauders, but he hadn’t been this miserable and angry for a long time. Remus had no idea what to say to him, and whenever James tried they just ended up arguing. It felt like the two of them were having arguments every day but, as James put it to Remus, “at least then he knows we’re concerned about him, right? He knows we love him.” Remus wasn’t sure if James’ tactic was the best but didn’t think he could really judge. Remus hated that he was just ignoring his friend’s problems but honestly had no idea how to help him. He had settled on behaving as though everything was normal and being friendly and kind to Sirius, despite his friend being so moody and unfriendly in return. He hoped that this way Sirius would trust him enough to talk to him when he was finally ready to open up. Peter took another different approach and just kept out of Sirius’ way. It was a defence mechanism he’d always had, to avoid those who seemed angry or unpredictable, those who might do him harm. Peter had never been as close to Sirius as he had to James, or even Remus, but his determination to avoid Sirius only added to the strain on the group. It was all such a mess, Remus thought to himself.

Lily was growing increasingly baffled and concerned about the shift in the Marauders’ dynamic. Sirius was taciturn and withdrawn when she had to work with him in Potions, and ignored any and all questions about himself. After a few tense lessons, Lily got up the courage to ask James about it when she spotted him in the hallway walking alone, his forehead set into a deep frown.

“James,” she said and he looked up in surprise.

“Oh, Lily!” He messed up his hair with his hand. “What can I do for you?”

“Can I have a word? In private?”

James nodded, eyes wide with surprise. Lily grabbed his hand before she could change her mind or anyone could spot them, and pulled him into an empty classroom.

“It’s about Sirius,” she began, quickly letting go of his hand. James visibly slumped then, his back bent, against the nearest desk. Lily had never seen him look so defeated before.

“I don’t know what to do,” James confessed, “I’m so worried about him.” He rubbed his hands though his hair again awkwardly.

“What exactly is it that you’re worried about?” She asked in a calm voice, vaguely hoping that by talking about it, she and James might make some progress, might be able to get to the bottom of Sirius’ strange behaviour.

James gave an odd laugh. “I mean… you’ve seen him. Sometimes he seems so… distant, like a ghost, no expression at all. It’s like he’s somewhere else. But then he just flips and gets so angry when you ask him anything about himself. And he’s barely been eating but gets mad when I bring it up…” he trailed off. Lily nodded. This fitted with what she’d noticed as well.

“I just don’t know what to do,” James looked almost like he might cry now. Lily quelled her strange urge to take his hand again.

“To be honest, I don’t know if there’s anything we can do,” she said slowly, “except let him know we’re here for him and wait for him to open up.”

James sighed in frustration. “Yeah, that’s what Remus thinks. But it’s impossible to just ignore it! And he needs to know we care.”

Lily nodded understandingly. “I’m sure he does know. Maybe taking a step back for now might help to make him a bit less angry? Then you could try talking to him again when he’s a bit calmer.” James nodded, recognising that this was probably quite a good idea. His current way of dealing with it all didn’t seem to be making things any better.

After about a week, Sirius suddenly seemed to burn himself out. He became less angry and frantic and wired, with more staring into space and even some gentle, almost sorry smiles at Remus. During the full moon, Prongs noticed that Padfoot behaved sweetly with Moony, as though seeking an apology. He was nowhere near as rowdy and boisterous in canine form as usual, but crept around the Shrieking Shack slowly, teasing and nuzzling the wolf with surprising gentleness. Even in stag form Prongs didn’t know what to make of it. What was even more surprising was that Moony responded in kind, whining at Padfoot and behaving much more carefully with the dog than usual, treating it as though it were injured. It was a turning point. 

*

The truth was that Sirius had found his anger and frustration ebbing away the less he consumed. That week he ate less than he had since the summer, and it was beginning to take its toll. He felt sick a lot and found it hard to focus. He had a headache a lot of the time, which was made worse by lack of sleep. Several times he found himself getting dizzy when he stood or moved too quickly, forcing him to spend a few moments still, blinking furiously, while the world righted itself.

By the time the full moon arrived that Friday Sirius was utterly exhausted. James insisted he come to the Quidditch practice which he had switched to their free period that morning, because of the full moon. Sirius was too focused on staying upright and on his broom as he saved shot after shot that he didn’t even respond with hostility to James frequently checking that he was okay. Once practice was over Sirius quickly flew to the ground, dismounting his broom and dropping straight to his knees, holding his head.

James was at his side in an instant. “Padfoot! What’s wrong?” James cried, kneeling quickly. He touched Sirius on the shoulder; he was shaking. He wished Remus was there, and was just considering calling one of their teammates to fetch Madam Pomfrey when Sirius raised his head slowly, grey eyes struggling to focus on James.

“I-I’m fine, don’t worry,” he said quietly. He looked and sounded disorientated.

“Sirius, please please don’t lie to me again,” James begged, not trying to hide the fear in his voice. Sirius managed to focus his vision, finally taking in the worry that had become etched semi-permanently into James’ face that week.

“I just got a little dizzy, that’s all,” Sirius forced a laugh. “Bloody slave driver you are, Prongs. That was a tough practice, especially with the full tonight.”

James bit his lip guiltily, before remembering that tonight’s activities had no bearing on why Sirius was dizzy _now_.

“Maybe it’s because you didn’t eat breakfast,” James suggested tentatively, braced for yet another angry or defensive reaction. Instead Sirius shrugged, his face neutral. He rose slowly, clutching James’ shoulder when the world began to spin again.

“Come on Padfoot,” James said quietly. “Please come and eat something.” Sirius stared straight ahead, feeling conflicted, but didn’t say anything. James continued, cautiously, “you won’t have the energy to keep Moony in check tonight if you don’t eat something.”

He’d hit upon exactly the right thing to say. Sirius looked at him then, alarmed by the realisation that he might let Remus down, and inclined his head slightly. James kept close to him as they headed to the Great Hall for lunch. Sirius was grateful that Remus didn’t join them; he rarely had any appetite on the day of the transformation. Peter chose to sit further along the table with Marlene, shooting James an apologetic look.

James sighed. Looks like this is up to me, he thought. He turned to Sirius, who looked slightly spaced out still, but not angry. With delicate probing, persuasion and good old-fashioned stubbornness, James managed to get Sirius to eat a decent-sized meaty sandwich. It took a long time. By the time they had finished, most of the other students had left the hall. Sirius had gone very quiet, and James busied himself with talking as they headed to their first afternoon class, feeling pretty pleased with himself as well as relieved. They had definitely made progress, and Sirius didn’t even seem to be mad at him.

Half way through Charms class, Sirius suddenly excused himself and bolted from the room. James was caught up in trying to make detailed notes for Remus and didn’t notice until the door slammed. _Damn,_ he cursed to himself, wondering what the hell was going on now.

Sirius ran to the closest bathrooms, praying they would be empty. His stomach felt horribly full and he knew he just had to sort it, to fix it. The place was deserted and he slammed into the nearest cubicle, bending forward over the toilet. _Why does it have to be so hard?_ he thought in frustration. He reached towards his mouth, but his hair was in his face, and he took a moment to deftly tie it back before plunging his fingers down his throat, triggering his gag reflex. After a few attempts, each more unpleasant than the last, he managed to vomit, forcing himself to continue until he was spitting nothing but clear bile. Then he fell back against the cubicle wall, whacking his back unpleasantly, and slid down to the ground.

Sirius didn’t know how long he sat there. He felt simultaneously relieved and horrified. His mouth tasted awful and he wiped his face on his sleeve, glad his hair was at least out of the way, caught on the back of his head in a frantic and messy bun. His robes draped around him, pooling on the floor. _Why are you so fucked up?_ A small voice asked him. He shrugged, then began to laugh manically to himself. His life was so fucking ridiculous. He couldn't believe he'd done _this_ again.

*

Sirius spent the rest of the afternoon in bed. James tried to wake him up for dinner, but Sirius refused to move. Reluctantly James let him sleep, holding on to the fact that Sirius had at least eaten a proper lunch and sleeping more now would make the night ahead easier.

“Sirius,” James gently shook his friend as the time to go the Shack grew closer. Sirius slowly stirred, his face covered by his hair. He yawned as he sat up, taking in the time. He was surprised that he’d slept so long.

“I got you some dinner,” James whispered, a little furtively. He pushed another hearty sandwich towards Sirius, who blinked at it. His head pounded and his mouth tasted of sick. He felt almost hungover. If I pretend to eat it, it’ll keep James off my back, Sirius told himself. “Thanks,” he said, and took the food across the covers.

“Sorry sorry sorry!” At that moment Peter burst into the dorm, apologising profusely for being late. James chided him for cutting it so fine, as it was less than an hour till moonrise. Sirius took advantage of the moment to vanish some of the food with his wand, then nibbled on a little bread that was left as James turned back to him. Food repulsed him now, the textures and tastes seemed so unpleasant, but he forced down the remainder.

Later, as the full moon rose and Moony let out a deafening howl in the poorly lit Shack, Padfoot regretted not eating dinner. He was so dizzy, even in dog form, that he could barely walk, let alone fight off a full-grown werewolf. Colours and shapes were simpler through the eyes of a dog, but when his human brain was dizzy as well, everything he could see began to blur together. As Moony hulked above him, the dog whimpered and lay down on the ground in complete submission, a contrast from the usual tussle and to-and-fro between them before Padfoot inevitably submitted. Moony sniffed him warily, as though suspicious. Then he nuzzled Padfoot delicately with his snout. Padfoot flopped into a ball at Moony’s feet.

The wolf was gentle with him that night, leaving Padfoot alone where he was curled but returning regularly as though to check that he was still breathing. Padfoot occasionally would stir and creep around Moony apologetically. Even in his dizzy dog brain, Sirius felt guilty that he wasn’t any help whatsoever to Moony tonight. Prongs and Wormtail had to take on Padfoot’s usual role of satisfying Moony’s boisterous side; a role which took its toll on James, as Peter was unable to do much except avoid being eaten. By the time Moony had transformed back, James ached all over, but was relieved he didn't seem to have any proper injuries. Padfoot staggered onto all fours and changed into Sirius, but the effort proved finally too much for his weak mind and body. As soon as Sirius became fully human, he passed out neatly into James’ arms.

“Peter!” James yelled. The rat changed quickly and ran to him across the dingy room.

“What happened? Did Moony-” Peter didn’t dare finish his sentence but James shook his head.

“Moony was so gentle with him all night, did you see? Almost as if Padfoot was ill. Oh fuck! What if the wolf could tell something we couldn’t? What if Sirius is ill or… dying?” James felt himself drifting into panic at the thought. He forcibly shook it off and checked Sirius for a pulse. He was pale and clammy but definitely breathing.

“Peter, check Moony for injuries,” James commanded, standing and taking Sirius in his arms. “Then follow me down the tunnel. We’ve got to get to the hospital wing.”

*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again for all the feedback, it's giving me the motivation to keep going! x


	7. Chapter 7

Before he opened his eyes Sirius slowly became aware of two things: that he was lying in a bed, and that someone was arguing very loudly nearby. Heavy sleep pulled at him, keeping his eyes shut. He became aware of his body bit by bit. Wiggling a finger, then a toe. After a bit of time he tuned in to the conversation.

“No. I’m not leaving. Absolutely not. Not until I know what’s wrong with him,” a familiar, stubborn voice announced hotly. The stern voice of Madam Pomfrey responded, “I assure you, Mr Potter, he’s in no danger. You can see him as soon as I have spoken to him and performed some tests. But for now, you need to wait outside.” There was a pause and Sirius could picture James standing with his arms firmly crossed and a look of determined focus. Madam Pomfrey must have been giving him the steely look she reserved for troublemakers. Sirius himself had often been on the receiving end of one of those looks in his incessant demands to see Remus in the hospital wing, back when they’d known he was a werewolf but before they became animagi, back when the moons were really bad. Sirius tried to patch together what had happened last night. He’d been in the Shack, but his memories were blurry. Had he been injured? He didn’t feel any pain, just a familiar weighty tiredness in all his limbs.

A resolute slam suggested that James had finally been evicted, and just as Sirius opened his eyes Madam Pomfrey appeared at his bedside.

“Good morning Mr Black,” she said, moving forwards to hand him a glass of water.

“Morning,” Sirius mumbled as he took a deep sip.

“Do you remember what happened?” Madam Pomfrey asked, a little sternly. Sirius shook his head.

“You passed out in the school grounds. I’m not impressed that you boys were out there after curfew, planning some kind of mischief I assume. But Mr Potter and Mr Pettigrew sensibly brought you straight here.” She informed him, before softening her expression. “I’m going to do some tests, just regular ones, to see if we can find out why you passed out.”  Sirius grunted in assent and sat up as the nurse waved her wand over him a few times, muttering different diagnostic spells, pausing to take a few notes. She took his blood with a needle, and waved her wand over the vial.

“Would you mind stepping over to the scale, Mr Black?” she asked, indicating where it stood in the corner. Sirius crossed over and stood on it as she had asked, feeling curious. Had he lost any weight since last term? He hadn’t known what he weighed to begin with, though.

Madam Pomfrey made a tiny noise of surprise in her throat and Sirius’ head snapped up. The weights were facing away from him, so her reaction was all her had to go on. She said nothing, her face impassive, as she wrote something down. Sirius climbed back into the bed.

“You’re quite underweight, Sirius,” she informed him solemnly. Sirius kept his face straight but raised his eyebrows. “Really?”

“Really. You weigh less than nine stone. For your height, that’s underweight. It’s not too significant a problem in itself, but it could definitely be linked to why you were brought here unconscious. Have you been ill recently?”

“No,” said Sirius, then immediately regretted not picking up on this excuse she’d practically handed to him. Madam Pomfrey frowned. “Have you been eating regularly, Sirius?” He grimaced slightly at her use of his first name; it made the conversation feel much more important. “Yes,” he told her firmly.

“Do you exercise a lot?” He had the distinct sensation that she was testing him.

“…Yes,” he admitted, “I’m on the Quidditch team. And I go for runs. Sometimes,” he felt oddly nervous and forced himself to resist scratching his wrist, a nervous habit he’d developed.

She looked at him for a long moment then sighed. “Okay Sirius. Your tests all look fine, except that your blood sugar is very low, so I think that’s probably the reason you passed out. Your electrolytes are slightly out of balance, which is unusual, but I can give you a potion for that right now." She moved across to her desk, taking a bottle from a cabinet underneath.

Sirius stared up at the ceiling. Her words replayed in his head. _For your height, that’s underweight. It’s not too significant a problem in itself._

Madam Pomfrey handed him the potion and he drank, pulling a face at the taste. “I’ll keep you here for a few more hours, so that I can test whether the potion has taken effect. Then you’re free to go, but I want you to make sure you’re eating healthy, regular meals, especially with all the exercise you’re doing. Increasing your calorie intake should help you get to a healthier weight. You should be eating more to compensate on days that you play Quidditch, especially. I know how passionate your friend Mr Potter feels about that sport, so I can imagine he works you pretty hard in practices,” she smiled. Sirius smiled back, relieved to have been let off with no more than a potion and a lecture.

“Speaking of Mr Potter, I believe he’s anxious to see you. If you’re happy, I’ll let him in?”

Sirius nodded. As Madam Pomfrey moved over to the door he wondered what to say to James.

“Padfoot!” James bounded over, followed by a slightly more wary Peter. Sirius remembered guiltily how unpleasant he’d been to be around that week and made sure to smile gently at Peter.

“What on earth happened to you?” James cried in exasperation. He seemed about to leap on to the bed and hug Sirius but Madam Pomfrey gave him a stern look and he sat down in a chair instead. Sirius watched Madam Pomfrey cross to a bed on the other side of the hospital wing, presumably to check on a patient who lay there behind closed curtains.

“I think that’s probably Remus,” James said to Sirius in a quiet voice, nodding across.

“Shit!” it all came back to Sirius suddenly, how bloody _useless_ he’d been last night. “What happened? Is Remus okay?”   

“Yes, he’s fine,” James informed him, with a sigh. He didn’t say _no thanks to you_ but Sirius looked down at his duvet guiltily.

“I’m sorry Prongs,” he muttered. “I let you all down, I feel terrible about it.”

James grinned and slapped Sirius’ leg in a matey way. “Padfoot honestly, you’re in the fucking hospital wing, there’s no need to apologise. We managed fine, didn’t we Pete?” Peter nodded quickly.

“What happened anyway? Did Pomfrey tell you why you passed out?” James asked.

Sirius squirmed a little. “It’s nothing,” he said, “just my blood sugar was low.”

“What does that mean?” James frowned.

“Muggles know about that stuff,” Peter chimed in. “It’s what you get if you haven’t eaten. You get all wobbly and sometimes you faint.” Sirius shot him a glare and Peter shut up immediately.

“You can get it even if you do eat,” Sirius told James quickly. “Some people just have low blood sugar.” He didn’t think he was making it up entirely, he could have sworn he’d picked that up somewhere. James looked slightly disbelieving.

“Yeah that’s right,” Peter agreed with Sirius, as if trying to undo the glare he had just received. “My mum has to get hers checked sometimes. ‘Cos it’s low. I had to get mine checked too, in case its inherited.”

James seemed convinced by this. “Is that why she gave you that potion?”

“Yes,” said Sirius firmly. He didn’t see any point worrying James with the other stuff Madam Pomfrey had said. _Nine stone._ It sounded quite a lot, really. And he didn’t feel like he was underweight. Nothing to worry about.

*

Sirius went to dinner that evening, feeling that to do so would be a good step towards fixing things with his friends. He had been such terrible company the past week. He made sure to ate what he considered a pretty big portion though he noted, with some relief, that it wasn’t anywhere near as much as Peter and James ate. Remus reappeared in the dormitory as they were getting ready for bed. Sirius moved without thinking and wrapped Remus in a huge, long hug as soon as he entered the room. Remus blinked in surprise but held Sirius tightly, deliberately avoiding looking at James, who was smirking.

After a standard Marauders evening – which came as a relief to everyone after the events of the past week – they all went to sleep. Sirius lay awake, feeling relieved but still a little guilty. He heard Remus tossing and turning in the next bed. He wondered if Remus couldn’t sleep because of the pain of his aches and bruises. Quickly Sirius threw off the covers and moved to Remus’ bed, sitting on the end and crossing his legs underneath him. Remus sat up in surprise. “Sirius, what-”

Sirius put a finger to his lips and closed the curtains around Remus’ bed with a swish of his wand. Silently he cast a silencing charm, not wanting to wake the others. Remus watched him, gold eyes gleaming ever so slightly in the darkness. It reminded Sirius of the wolf.

“I’m really sorry about last night, Rem,” Sirius said softly. Remus’ eyebrows furrowed.

“What happened last night?” Remus asked, looking worried.

“I let you down,” Sirius admitted.

“What did you do?” Remus sounded really worried now.

“I- I wasn’t on form. Padfoot didn’t do much to help you, Prongs had to do everything. Padfoot just lay there.” Sirius confessed.

Remus put his head on his side, looking at Sirius with concern. “Are you okay?”

“What? Y-yeah, I’m fine.” Sirius didn’t want to admit to Remus that he’d passed out, though he suspected the others would probably mention it anyway. Remus looked at him suspiciously. “There’s something you’re not telling me,” he stated. Sirius hated how well Remus could read him.

“When I transformed back I – I might have – er - passed out,” Sirius said haltingly. “I’m fine!” he added quickly as Remus sat up properly in alarm. “Madam Pomfrey checked me over and I’m fine.”

“Why did you pass out?” Remus asked quietly.

“Er… low blood sugar. Or something,” said Sirius. He felt odd, talking about it to Remus. He didn’t want Remus to think he was an idiot, or weak, for not being able to just eat like a normal person.

Remus leant forward and touched Sirius’ hand where he was absent-mindedly scratching his wrist.

“Are you feeling better now?” He asked. Sirius nodded. He prayed Remus wouldn’t mention food or eating, though he didn’t doubt he would have made the link, he was so smart. Instead, Remus leant forward and wrapped him in a hug. Sirius breathed deeply, relaxed. He drew back slightly so that his face was close to Remus, and gently pressed their foreheads against each other.

“Sorry for being such a git this week Rem,” Sirius said softly, his eyes closed. He could feel the breath of Remus chuckling in response.

“It’s okay,” said Remus, “you’re allowed to be a git sometimes. Especially if you’re not feeling good. But I wish you’d let us in.”

Sirius felt the crease as Remus’ forehead frowned against his own. He opened his eyes. Remus was _so_ close to him. The air felt fraught, tense. This level of intimacy was like nothing Sirius had known before, not even with the many girls he’d kissed last year. He liked it. It felt right. He wanted this intimacy with Remus, he _needed_ it.

Before he could overthink, Sirius acted on pure instinct. He reached forward and found Remus’ lips with his own. They moved together, mouths in sync, in a deep kiss, pressing back and forth. It wasn’t like kissing a girl; Remus’ lips were soft but his movements were harder, firmer. Sirius’ hand automatically pressed Remus’ back, drawing their bodies closer. Remus still had his hand on Sirius’ wrist. Sirius felt slightly high from the shock and excitement of the situation. It was all so new, and yet at the same time familiar and comforting.

They kissed for what felt like ages, but also nowhere near long enough. Remus pulled back finally. Sirius laughed out loud in shock, “wow.”

Remus smiled a little sheepishly. “My thoughts exactly.” His thoughts were completely still, actually, content.

As they kissed a little more, Remus began to move more slowly, his kisses growing clumsier. Sirius became vaguely aware of how tired he must be after the moon the night before.

“Let’s sleep, Rem,” he said softly and Remus nodded. He lay back and Sirius indicated the bed. “May I…?” he asked, oddly formal.

“Please,” Remus caught Sirius’ hand and pulled him gently forwards. Sirius climbed in, wrapping one arm round Remus, his body pressed flush against him. They slept like that and, for once, Sirius slept well.

*

Remus felt deeply, wonderfully content when he awoke the next morning to the gentle press of Sirius’ body against his own. He just lay for a moment, blissed. He couldn’t believe what had happened last night. All the times he’d imagined what it might be like to kiss Sirius – and he had imagined it frequently, despite all his attempts not to – hadn’t even come close to the closeness they’d shared. His thoughts woke up properly and his familiar, anxious brain started to analyse. He prayed Sirius didn’t regret it. He even dared wonder if it had meant anywhere near as much to Sirius as it had to him. It certainly had felt reciprocal. But it would be best not to get his hopes up. He prayed it wouldn’t be awkward with Sirius today.

Rolling over in bed to check the time, Remus realised they were running late. He tucked a stray curl behind Sirius’ ear then gently touched his shoulder. “Sirius.”

Grey eyes sleepily opened and Sirius smiled. “Moony… I slept so well.”

Remus chuckled lowly. “I’m very happy for you, Siri. But we’re going to be late for class if you don’t get a move on.” Sirius made a good-natured noise that suggested he wasn’t happy about the idea of moving. Remus reluctantly climbed out of bed to use the bathroom, prodding James and Peter awake on his way past. Sirius stretched his limbs out and arched his back like a cat, taking up the whole bed. Remus’ bed. It gradually filtered in to his brain that he’d kissed Remus last night. He’d _kissed_ Remus. And Remus had kissed him back.

Sirius lay looking up at the red canvas in shock. He grinned slowly, remembering. It had felt so good, to kiss Remus, to finally act on that strange urge he’d had a few times but had always brushed off, never even considered giving in to. It had felt different from all the girls he’d kissed. Perhaps because I’m so close with Remus, he thought. I never felt close at all to any of the girls I dated. Remus knows me better than I know myself.

He swung his legs out of bed and pushed back the curtains. James gave him a look from across the room, comically caught in the exact same action like a mirror image, and raised his eyebrows. Sirius stuck his tongue out but said nothing, grabbed his robes from by his own bed and retreated back behind Remus’ closed curtains to get changed. The scars on his back were still there, as was the ugly burn his father had left him, not to mention his own contributions to his forearms. Nope, he was definitely not letting James see any of that, even if it meant his friends thinking he was weird for changing in private.

Sirius called to the others to go down to breakfast without him and spent a while contemplating himself in the bathroom mirror, especially his lips. He wondered if he was a good kisser. He’d always assumed so. Remus bloody well was. He drummed on his collar bones absent-mindedly, lost in his thoughts.

James had a distinct impression that Sirius emerging that morning from Remus’ bed meant slightly more than it had the last time it happened. All through breakfast Remus looked… well, for want of a better word, _moony_. When James had pointedly asked “nightmares again?” Remus had blushed to his core. And when Sirius suddenly appeared and sat down at the bench with a flourish, dropping a sweet kiss onto Remus’ cheek as he did so, Remus became so flustered he spilt his pumpkin juice. James looked at Sirius, silently demanding answers. In response Sirius smirked at James. _I’ll tell you later._ The rest of breakfast passed like usual, but the air seemed to have changed. Sirius and Remus glanced and smiled at each other more than usual, both seemed animated and cheerful, and Sirius didn’t hesitate to flirt with him, though kept it toned it down, oddly respectful. James got the distinct feeling of being a third-wheel, even with Peter there too.

James fully intended to confront Sirius after breakfast but when he found himself walking alongside Remus instead, he decided to take the opportunity to get an explanation out of someone. James fixed him with a warm but determined gaze as they headed to Herbology.

“Did something happen with you and Sirius last night?” He asked, with characteristic bluntness.

Remus blushed and looked down at his feet. “What makes you think that?"

James merely quirked one eyebrow. "Oh, alright," Remus huffed. "He – er – I – we – kissed.”

James’ eyebrows rose so high they nearly vanished under his messy mane of dark brown hair. “What?! Wow! Who – initiated?”

“He did, I think…” Remus slowly admitted, not quite trusting himself not to have imagined that bit.

“Wow! This is… wow.” James declared incoherently. He wanted to say “I knew it!” but resisted. Instead he asked “Have you talked to him about it?”

Remus looked slightly uncomfortable. “No… but he seemed… er… friendly at breakfast. I hope he doesn’t regret it.”

James laughed. “Yes he did… I’m sure he won’t regret it Moony. I don’t think Sirius ever regrets anything to be honest.”

Remus sighed. “I suppose that’s the other thing… even if he doesn’t regret it, it doesn’t mean he considers us more than friends. Sirius just does what he wants, takes what he wants, impulsively. I… I don’t know.”

James felt frustrated. Remus could be so anxious, so negative, and he just wanted to smooth out his friend’s worry and remind him that this was a _good thing._

“I’m going to talk to Pads about it, so I can see where he stands on it all, if you like?” James offered.

Remus looked alarmed. “No no, please don’t! I really don’t want to push it. It’s all... I mean everything’s fine. I just want to leave it, see what happens. Even if things just go back to normal, that’s okay. Sirius has his own stuff to deal with at the moment anyway.”

James pulled a face at the reminder, but grudgingly nodded. “Okay, I understand.” He deliberately didn’t promise that he wouldn’t talk to Sirius about it in general, for his own sake… he was his best friend, after all.

Sirius and Peter had realised the others were lagging behind and paused to wait for them. As they got closer James said quickly “you know it will be fine, Moons. Don’t stress, enjoy it.” Remus nodded, hoping he could act on James’ words.

*

Sirius was on top of the world again, but it never lasted. Over the course of the day he got back the results of several tests and although his marks were better than usual they were nowhere near the perfection his parents had demanded. He spent the rest of his lesson in a scowling funk, trying not to imagine their reactions when he inevitably saw them again. He skipped lunch to sulk in the library. He’d run out of cigarettes and the cravings only added to his bad mood. By the time James finally caught up to him before dinner, the return of Sirius’ week-long stormy mood seemed to be threatening.

When James inquired about his night, Sirius frowned. He didn’t know whether to tell James what had happened with Remus. He wouldn’t have a problem with it, Sirius supposed, but it might make things weird between them all. Then again, the way James was looking at him suggested he had already guessed what had happened, and it might be pleasant to talk about it with someone.

Sirius sighed, “I went to talk to Remus, to apologise for what happened in the shack. And we…er… well. I kind of kissed him.” He found himself smiling, remembering it again. James didn’t look nearly as surprised as Sirius would have expected. I forgot how well he knows me, Sirius thought.

“Wow, okay. Er… how was it?” James asked, curiously. Sirius grinned boastfully. “Surprisingly good, actually. Weird though. Kissing a bloke, I mean it was different.”

“So, does that mean… do you like Remus, in that way?” James inquired, seeing no point in beating around the bush. Sirius, however, reeled back in shock.

“Er… I mean… I hadn’t thought about it.” He wasn’t lying. Sirius had grown very good at not thinking about things he didn’t want to think about, things that were unpleasant, demanding or just plain confusing. And the feelings he may or may not have for Remus definitely came under that third category. “I just wanted to kiss him, to see what it was like. So I did,” Sirius admitted.

James was frowning. He did not look impressed, and Sirius had the sinking sensation that he might have done something wrong, that he might be about to be told off and quickly asked “what is it, Prongs?”

James seemed to be suffering some kind of internal battle.

“Just… I think you need to be careful, Sirius. It’s not right to mess around with people in that way. Especially not a close friend. Remember we talked about how Remus might be gay? You can’t just use him like you did all those girls.” James said, very honestly. Sirius felt a wave of guilt and panic building in his diaphragm.

“ _Fuck_ , Prongs. I’m not just using him, it wasn’t like that… I -” Sirius stopped, realising he couldn’t really explain what he had been doing, kissing Remus like that. Maybe he had just been using him, taking advantage of a friend to get what he wanted. Seemed like something he would do, to be honest, since he was such a bad friend, since he was a Black…

James was speaking again, bringing him out of his spiralling, self-hating thoughts.

“It’s _fine_ Sirius, I didn’t mean to sound like I was accusing you… just, be careful okay. Maybe have a look at your own feelings before you just go around kissing people,” James said lightly, trying to keep his promise to Remus while still warning Sirius to be careful. He hoped Sirius might take a look at his own feelings and realise he fancied Remus, but he knew he couldn’t voice this to anyone.

Sirius shrugged moodily, not wanting to have to think about anything right then, and made to move away, but James caught his arm.

“Where are you going? Dinner’s starting and you skipped lunch; you must be hungry.” Anger spiked in Sirius.

“Why don’t you just _fuck off_ and mind your own business,” he spoke hotly, without thinking. James looked shocked and pissed off at the unexpected attack.

“No need to be so fucking rude when all I’m doing is watching out for you,” James hissed.

“I don’t need anyone watching out for me!” Sirius found himself yelling. “I can fucking take care of myself.”

“Oh, yeah cause you’re really doing well at that aren’t you?” James retorted. “You’re skinny and exhausted, we can all see it.” He took a moment to calm his voice. “You know I’ve got your back Pads, whatever’s going on, we can help -”

Sirius cut him off, his eyes narrowed to slits. The voice coming out of him sounded cold and commanding, just like his parents. “I don’t remember ever asking for your help, _Potter_. What I eat is my. Fucking. Business. _And_ who I kiss.” And with that he stormed off.

James exhaled loudly in frustration, causing two frightened first years to jump as they scurried past on their way to the Great Hall. He really didn’t want to have sent Sirius into another bad mood. They’d only just got him back.

*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I found the kissing the hardest thing to write in this story so far which is why it was described so briefly. I'd love some feedback on potential improvements, or any tips you guys have for writing that kind of stuff!


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: self-harm

Sirius was too distracted to stay mad at James for long, however, or to think properly about what had happened with Remus. By the next morning he’d all but forgotten his outburst towards James, and James had been careful not to remind him of it. His parents’ warning about his marks played increasingly on his mind. His classes felt stressful that day and that evening he found himself pressing his razor blade once more into the tight skin of his wrist, this time creating a bead of blood which ran slowly down his pale wrist and dripped onto the floor. It became something of a ritual after that; most evenings he would find himself there in the bathroom, a cut for every less-than-perfect mark he’d got back, a cut for every poor performance during Quidditch practice, cuts to block out his father’s face or voice. He lost himself in these moments, completely focused on the pain. It gave him a kind of high, a more intense version of the lightheaded feeling of bliss he got when he hadn’t eaten, or when he ran too hard, too fast, too much.

To his relief he’d managed to get his hands on some more cigarettes, during a moment of genius. He’d been passing the corridors near Filch’s lair when he had the inspired idea of attempting to summon some of the cigarettes Filch would no doubt have confiscated from other students at some point. After glancing round furtively he had whispered _accio cigarettes_ , almost falling over in surprise as numerous packets of cigarettes flew at him out of nowhere, hitting his face as he tried to bat them away. He had been right, but had underestimated the capacity of Filch’s confiscated collection. It would be enough to keep him going for weeks, maybe months, if he cast a charm on them to stop them from going stale (not that he really cared – he’d smoke them anyway). James still didn’t know he smoked. Or, if he did, he hadn’t challenged Sirius about it yet. Sirius wondered if he was biding his time.

He began to notice an odd watchfulness from his friends at meals, a tension as if they were building to challenging him about eating again. Sirius decided that really what they all needed was a prank. There still hadn’t been a proper one that term, what with one thing and another. From such a renowned gang of pranksters this was, frankly, shocking. Sirius thought it was time to take matters into his own hands. He utilised a skipped lunch break to research the necessary spells and by the time Monday morning rolled round, he was ready.

The target of his master prank was none other than Severus Snape, of course. Sirius toyed with other victims but all other Slytherins who tempted him were somehow connected to his family, and he couldn’t risk it getting back to his parents. Snape was an ideal target, really, as James had never forgiven him for calling Lily a mudblood back in third year. He’d be pleased with Sirius’ choice of target and, if Sirius was being completely honest, this prank was really for James.

As the class took their places in Transfiguration, Sirius waved his wand under his desk and silently recited the spells he’d memorised the previous day. It was tricky magic and required all his concentration. Remus glanced over, catching Sirius’ focused look and watched him suspiciously.

No effect was noticeable until half way through the lesson when McGonagall asked a question and Snape raised his hand to answer it.

“Yes, Mr Snape?” McGonagall prompted.

Snape opened his mouth, “Gryffindor,” was all he could say, “Gryffindor Gryffindor Gryffindor.”

Everyone stared in shock. Snape looked utterly horrified and protested loudly, “Gryffindor! Gryffindor Gryffindor Gryffindor Gryffinddor!” He clamped a hand over his mouth but the damage was done. The class roared with laughter. McGonagall attempted to quieten them but to no avail. Snape tried to resist the urge to speak but once the spell had begun to take effect it couldn’t be silenced. “Gryffindor!” he began to yell. “Gryffindor Gryffindor Gryffindor!” James had tears running down his cheeks as he turned to Sirius, who sat looking immensely smug, presiding over the chaos he had created.

“That,” James informed Sirius solemnly, “was first-class.”

Sirius glanced over at Remus who had a smile tugging at his lips, despite his best attempts to maintain a smooth Prefect face. When he met Sirius’ eyes he couldn’t help but laugh outright at Sirius’ victorious expression. Unfortunately, McGonagall seemed to have spotted it too. She swept over to Sirius’ desk and said in a low voice “see me after class please Mr Black” before passing over to Snape’s desk to attempt to quell the disruption.

It took McGonagall a full ten minutes to work out the correct counter-spell, which in Sirius’ eyes more than made up for the inevitable detention. Overall, he was thrilled with the success of the prank. James had loved it, Peter almost wet himself laughing; even Remus had found it funny.

When he received a week’s worth of detention from McGonagall he just shrugged. He’d expected more, to be honest, and he wondered if McGonagall might have secretly enjoyed the prank. She’d let slip a comment that it was impressive magic he had performed, but had added quickly that it would be better if he would apply those talents to his classes instead. She even kindly let him off detention on the evening of Slughorn’s party next week. He saw no reason to tell her that he actually wasn’t planning to attend the party.

*

Sirius had managed to more or less erase James’ warning comments from his memory and was looking forward to skipping Slughorn’s party in favour of hanging out with Remus. He decided the polite thing would be to let Slughorn know that he wouldn’t be attending – god forbid he should deprive the party of its star guest.

“I’m afraid I won’t be able to make it tonight, Sir,” he mentioned casually in Potions as Slughorn came over to his table to check on the progress of Sirius and Lily’s Draught of Living Death. James and Remus glanced up from the next table.

“Oh? That’s a shame, Mr Black, I was really rather looking forward to your attendance, with such a _renowned_ grandfather there’s many other students I was hoping to introduce to you…” Slughorn rambled in his pompous manner.

“I do apologise,” Sirius interrupted, “but you see I have a prior commitment.” At this he winked at Remus, who blushed bright red. This was unnoticed by Slughorn but observed by both James and Lily, who exchanged glances.

Slughorn looked genuinely forlorn. “I understand, Mr Black. A gentleman such as yourself must be in high demand, no doubt. Perhaps next time?”

Sirius gave him a winning smile. “I’ll do my best Sir.”

As Slughorn took a moment to look at their potion Sirius overheard James quizzing Remus on what they were doing tonight. Remus responded “I have no idea”, at which James glanced at Sirius suspiciously.

*

That evening, James and Peter left the dormitory for the party, dressed in their best robes. James turned at the door. “See you later lads. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.” He gave Sirius a pointed look.

Sirius sighed as they left, then moved over to where Remus lay finishing his Ancient Runes essay and threw himself down onto the end of the bed. “Moooooony,” he whined monotonously.

This went on for a few minutes before Remus accepted defeat and folded away his things. “Finally going to tell me what you have planned for us to do tonight, Padfoot? The suspense is killing me.”

“All in good time, my friend,” said Sirius airily. “But I promise you it will rival Slughorn’s stupid party. First things first…”

With great laziness he waved his wand, _accio_ -ing a bottle of Firewhiskey from under his bed. Remus stared. “Where on earth did you get that?”

“Honeydukes cellar,” said Sirius proudly. “You won’t tell on me will you, _prefect.”_

“I think I’ll turn the other cheek, just this once,” said Remus, gladly reaching for the bottle.

As they drank they talked vaguely, cheerily, about general things. Once he judged it a safe time to venture out and not run into any of the Slughorn party-goers, Sirius stood and beckoned Remus to follow him, grabbing James’ cloak from his trunk and stuffing it into his robes for later that evening. “Bring the bottle,” he instructed Remus.

They passed through the deserted hallway, reeling slightly from the alcohol. Once Sirius nearly crashed into a suit of armour and veered to one side, grabbing Remus’ hand. Remus tensed, praying his palms weren’t clammy, but Sirius didn’t seem to care. They came to a halt in a deserted corridor and Sirius finally let go of Remus’ hand.

“What… where are we?” Remus asked, slightly out of breath.

“Shh…You’ll see.” Sirius paced up and down, forehead tense in concentration. He needed this to be _just right_ , just as it had been the first time he’d walked past. After a moment, a dark wooden door appeared in the wall. Sirius stepped forward and opened it, holding it open for Remus to pass through.

Remus had thought nothing else could surprise him about the castle but clearly, he’d been wrong. The room beyond the door was just perfect, gorgeous. Richly coloured draped hangings on the wall made it immensely cosy, as did the candles and quirky, old-fashioned gas lamps everywhere. Several squishy deep-red leather sofas were situated around the edges of the rooms, little antique pieces of furniture - tables and chairs and lamps - scattered everywhere. In the middle of the room was an open space, illuminated by a skylight window (which Remus was _sure_ was impossible, as they were nowhere near the top floor of Hogwarts.) Moonlight fell gently onto the warmly carpeted floor.

Remus hadn’t realised he’d been holding his breath until he let it out. As soon as he did he tuned in to gentle music. One of the corner tables held a gloriously complicated-looking Muggle record player. As he watched a song ended, and with it the record, but the record player somehow rearranged itself so that a new record took its place. Remus watched this in awe. The music was wonderful, lively but gentle, perfect for the atmosphere. How had Sirius found this?

He turned to Sirius to find his friend’s grey eyes watching him intently. Remus felt his breath catch again at the sudden intensity and struggled to splutter out “ _Sirius…_ where… how on earth.”

Sirius chuckled and stepped closer to Remus. “Incredible, isn’t it? I discovered it the other day. It’s not always like this though. The room changes according to your… requirements, so that it always matches what you’re looking for. I walked this way the other day thinking how much I wanted to find somewhere interesting to go with you instead of the party. The door just appeared and I opened it and it was perfect. I’ve been back a few times, with different thoughts going through my mind, and the room was different each time.” Remus looked bowled over. Sirius watched his amber eyes taking in every detail of the room and felt the strange urge to move forward and kiss Remus again. Instead, he reached down to Remus’ hand and gently teased the bottle from his grip. Then he moved forward to the table where two ornate goblets sat and poured them two more glasses of firewhiskey. Turning back around he saw Remus had noticed the enormous bookshelves which took up the left wall of the room. Remus stepped forward automatically to examine the titles – he could never pass books without doing so, particularly such old, musty-looking ones as these – and ran his fingers over the spines appreciatively.

“Wow,” said Remus excitedly, “there’s some books here I’ve struggled to find for years!”

Sirius came up behind him and handed him a goblet. “Yeah, I had a glance and thought they might be your sort of thing… I even took one, last time, to give to you. It vanished as soon as I took it out of the room though. I think everything in here only exists in the room.”

Remus looked disappointed but Sirius grinned, “guess we’ll just have to come back here again so you can read them all.” Remus smiled back at him. They moved over to the sofa, whiskeys in hand. They talked for a long time, something about the room’s atmosphere making them open up more, leading them on to more personal topics. They talked tentatively about what careers they might do after Hogwarts. Sirius asked Remus some probing questions about what his transformations were like. Sirius even told Remus a little about his relationship with his brother, steering narrowly around the topic of his parents’ abuse. Sirius confessed he’d love to leave his parents’ house, move out somewhere on his own, but for the two problems that he was still underage, and that he didn’t want to leave Regulus, even if they barely talked anymore.

Suddenly Sirius’ head snapped up. The music had changed once again, it had become mad and loud and energetic and Sirius was pretty damn drunk so he leapt up to dance. Remus watched him for a moment before putting down his glass with a distinct ‘fuck it’ gesture and moving to join him. Their dancing was ridiculous, Sirius throwing his messy hair back and forward, leaping around. When the record finally finished they crashed down onto another squashy sofa, breathing hard, infectious grins firmly on their face.

“What’s that?” Remus gestured behind Sirius, who turned to see a dark chestnut closet which seemed to have just appeared. “Why would we need a closet?”

Sirius was obscured from Remus’ view for a moment as he yanked the door opened, returning triumphantly with what looked like two muggle tuxedos. “What the fuck are these-” asked Sirius, baffled but intrigued. Remus considered. Into the silence the new record suddenly came on. It was slow and rhythmic and… moony. Remus felt himself blush from his head to his toes.

“Sirius… I think the room wants us to dance.”

Sirius laughed happily, throwing his head back. “Wow, okay. I mean, I was trained in ballroom dancing practically as soon as I could walk so…”

“Show off,” Remus batted him on the shoulder. Remus was a little drunk, and it was great. He knew he couldn’t possibly deny himself the pleasure of seeing Sirius in a Muggle suit and asked “which is mine?”

One of the tuxedos was a deep rich red, almost brown. The other was jet black. Sirius didn’t have to think twice about passing Remus the red one.

“So these are like…Muggle dress robes?” he asked.

Remus nodded. “I’ve never worn any as nice as these,” he admitted. “I tried my dad’s old suit once but it looked terrible. But these look amazing.”

“Let’s get them on then!” Sirius exclaimed enthusiastically. They politely turned away from each other to change. Remus laughed, “honestly I feel a bit like a kid again, playing fancy dress.” He marvelled over the delicate quality of the dark red blazer as he attempted to knot his tie.

“I love it!” Sirius declared then, whirling round. Remus turned, still clasping his undone tie, to see Sirius effortlessly posed, one hand on his hip. He looked like a model, tie perfectly knotted, the suit hugging him perfectly. The Muggle tuxedo suited him more than any robes Remus had ever seen him in, and the black material made his skin stand out strikingly and his hair shine glossily against his shoulders. Even his lips looked redder, and Remus quickly closed his mouth. He felt like a mess in comparison but Sirius let out a strange, quick breath.

“That colour looks amazing on you, Remus,” Sirius said, moving forward to help him with his tie. The dark red brought out the copper tones in Remus’ hair, emphasised his unusual eyes and drew attention away from his rough, scarred skin (not that Sirius minded Remus’ scars; in fact he thought they made him look interesting).

“Thanks,” said Remus, “you… that really suits you,” he said vaguely, finding it impossible to get his words to do justice to how incredible Sirius looked.

 Sirius looked amused. “Why thank you.”

They were still standing close together as Sirius finished Remus’ tie. Remus was still wondering if they were actually going to dance when Sirius slipped his hands gently down to Remus’ waist. Time froze for Remus as a surge of feelings swelled through him. When he came back to the present, the two of them were moving gently to the music, bodies close, Sirius’ hands a little firmer to keep them moving the same direction.

“Mind if I lead?” Sirius asked softly. “It’s what I learnt, and it’ll be easier for you.”

“It’s fine,” Remus agreed. Sirius pulled him slightly closer. Remus’ breath hitched as their chests brushed against each other. Sirius had his head facing over Remus’ shoulder, gazing out across the room with an expression of contentment, his feet moving to the music effortlessly. Remus rested his arms over Sirius’ shoulders as they moved. He couldn’t resist glancing at Sirius’ profile. He didn’t think he had ever studied someone this close up before. He thought to himself, a little drunkenly, that Sirius’ good looks came down to his perfect bone structure. His cheeks and jaw were much sharper than most people’s, guiding the eyes in to focus on vivid silvery eyes and surprisingly dark lips. There were other things too that he’d never noticed: the two tiny moles exposed on Sirius’ neck as his hair fell back, like dainty vampire bites.

Remus got a little lost in his staring and was just getting round to praising (in his mind) Sirius’ elegantly arched but well textured eyebrows when Sirius turned his head and met Remus’ gaze. Remus flushed deeply but didn’t look away. Sirius glanced down at his lips, then looked back at Remus as if asking for permission. Remus smiled, silently assenting, no, _pleading_ to be kissed.

Then the two of them were kissing, still moving to the music. It was a different kiss from last time, a slow, _thick_ kiss, open-mouthed, almost in time to the same slowness of the music. They pressed so closely it was as though they were one body and Remus tangled his fingers through the ends of Sirius’ long hair desperately.

*

James was having a wonderful time at Slughorn’s party. It was insanely brilliant to have Lily Evans on his arm and she was just as intelligent and interesting and charming as he’d always known she was. However, this was the first time she’d ever directed these qualities at him and he revelled in it. She looked glorious in a green muggle dress which fell to her knee, with a halter neckline revealing her dainty clavicle and shoulders. They got on well, it seemed, now that she had decided to give him a chance, and the conversation flowed endlessly as they helped themselves to the unlimited champagne and laughed at their fellow party-goers.

The only problem with the party really, was the enormous number of Slytherins who were attending. Several nasty comments were made nearby about Lily’s muggle dress and James would have responded in violence, except for the fact that Lily seemed not to have noticed. She was having such a lovely time and more than anything James didn’t want her to have a reason not to. So he stayed silent and gritted his teeth, deftly manoeuvring Lily away from the worst of it.

Regulus Black was at the party too, which surprised James, as he was only a second year. He supposed Slughorn had decided he simply must have at least one Black for his collection. James had never really met Regulus. Sirius had pointed him out at the station during Regulus’ first year, gritted his teeth when Regulus was inevitably sorted into Slytherin, and then changed the subject every time he was brought up since then. It was surprising, James considered, to think how good Sirius had always been at deflecting away from stuff he didn’t want to talk about. Or think about, perhaps.

When he had finally built up the courage to waltz Lily across the dancefloor Slughorn had conjured up, he found himself with a direct view of Regulus. He was waltzing with a blonde Slytherin girl, who James just about recognised as one of the Greengrass daughters. They were dancing with greater success than James and Lily, having no doubt been trained in ballroom dancing from a young age. Sirius could probably dance like that too, James realised. He found it fascinating to observe the similarities and differences between the two brothers. They had the same elegance and grace, but Regulus still just looked slightly ordinary. Something about Sirius’ looks or charisma elevated him above his brother. In theory they had the same features but in practice they didn’t quite. Regulus was slim, like Sirius, but looked healthier, James realised with a sad shock.

“Are you alright?” Lily leaned in to ask him. James looked back guiltily. “Sorry. I was just thinking about Sirius.” He wondered if he’d put his foot in it by admitting this, but Lily looked sympathetic.

“It’s odd, seeing his brother up close like this. You’d never mistake him for Sirius, would you,” she commented. James nodded in agreement, glad she understood.

“What’s he up to with Remus tonight anyway?” she asked. James shrugged as they moved away from the dancefloor for another drink.

“Who knows,” scowled James. “I just hope he’s not being an inconsiderate prick.”

Lily looked surprised, then seemed to put two and two together and raised her eyebrows expressively, though she didn’t say anymore.

*

Later Lily excused herself to use the bathroom, leaving James alone by the drinks table. He moved to observe Slughorn’s huge wall of fame, which seemed to contain photos of him with every wizarding celebrity James had ever heard of. _What a suck up_ , James was thinking vehemently when suddenly he felt someone come up beside him.

“Potter?”

He turned, surprised to see who it was. Sirius’ brother stood awkwardly, smoothing back his slicked, neat hair with the exact same manner Sirius had when he swiped his longer, curly hair out of his face. “Regulus.”

“Sirius didn’t come then?” The younger boy sounded nervous, on edge, and James frowned. “No, he didn’t, he was… busy.”

“Busy avoiding us Slytherins,” Regulus muttered. James felt surprised at how well he seemed to know Sirius. “Would you mind giving him this?” Regulus hastily shoved an envelope at James, who assented and shoved it in his robes.

“Thanks,” said Regulus. “Oh, and Potter? Can we please keep this between us?” A note of desperation had crept into his voice.

Again surprised, James nodded. Regulus disappeared as subtly as he had appeared, leaving James to wonder what on earth that had been about.

Later, when they finally left the party, James walked Lily back to the Gryffindor common room alongside Peter and Marlene, who were gushing excitedly about Slughorn’s wall of fame. After bidding Lily good night he quickly kissed her hand before leaving her blinking in surprise.

When he and Peter returned to the dormitory, James was surprised to find Sirius and Remus’ beds empty. He considered just leaving the envelope on Sirius’ pillow for him to find, but he couldn’t help wondering about it. He pulled it out. Regulus’ handwriting, which was as neat as Sirius’ was messy, simply said ‘Sirius’, giving nothing away.

James contemplated. Peter was in the bathroom. Before he could change his mind James quickly opened the envelope and scanned the parchment within.

_Sirius,_

_Mother and Father spoke to me over the Floo last night. They’re angry about a prank you played on a Slytherin the other day, charming his mouth so he could only say ‘Gryffindor’, or some such thing. I believe Lucius told his parents, who told them. Needless to say, they were not impressed._

_I don’t know what happened with you and them over the summer but they’ve been even more angry than usual since we returned to Hogwarts. They kept ranting to me about your grades as well as the usual issues with your house and choice of company. I’ve gotten the impression that Father is under a lot of pressure at the moment to keep our family reputation spotless. He's hoping to move even higher through the ranks of that purist movement he’s so involved in. They more or less asked me to keep an eye on you and report back on your behaviour. Even if I don’t there are others who will, as Lucius has already proved._

_The reason I’m telling you this is because you really need to watch out. Father’s under a lot of stress and you know what that will mean when you come home. You may find it hard to believe, but I'm worried about you.  
_

_Regulus_

 

James folded the parchment back up and carefully resealed the letter with his wand, hoping there would be no indication he had read it. His mind was whirling. So something _had_ happened that summer with Sirius’ parents, although even his brother didn’t seem quite sure what it was. And this letter pretty much told Sirius he was in danger. James bit his lip anxiously. Perhaps he could persuade Sirius to come home with him for Christmas, or even that they could all stay here? But then he’d have to admit to Sirius he’d read the letter, and Sirius would definitely be mad, like he had been about all the other stuff, like he had been for a lot of this term.

James groaned and climbed into bed. His head hurt too much for this. And the room was spinning. He’d worry about it in the morning.

*


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: self-harm

*

For hours they danced and kissed to the revolving records, only pausing to pour themselves more firewhiskey. Their suits were rumpled and both were flushed from the alcohol and it didn’t matter a bit. When the record was fast and upbeat they leapt about, laughing at each other, spilling firewhiskey onto the carpet. When the record was slow they drew into each other. Gradually, Sirius taught Remus how to dance properly, twirling him under the moonlight. _The moonlight._

Remus stopped suddenly under the skylight and looked up. The huge, impossible moon gazed impassively down onto them. Remus had never seen the full moon, not in his human form, not that he remembered. Sirius had stopped too, and was watching Remus gaze at the moon, his amber eyes turning a pale yellow in the strange, almost fluorescent moonlight. Part of Sirius didn’t want to interrupt, but the other part worried he might lose Remus to the great sublime force that seemed to be emanating down upon them.

He gently rubbed his nose against Remus’ shoulder, like a dog. Remus turned to him in surprise, the connection broken.

“You’ve never seen the moon before,” said Sirius and it was somewhere between a statement and a question.

“No…” said Remus softly. “It’s so beautiful.”

“It is, Moony.” Sirius gazed up at it too. He struggled to reconcile the moon’s beauty with the pain it caused Remus each month. He started to explain this to Remus but fell over his words. “I think I’m too drunk for philosophy,” he said solemnly and Remus laughed.

They were both getting to that point of being too drunk to do much moving, so flopped onto either end of one of the sofas. Sirius absent-mindedly rubbed Remus’ side with his feet and Remus absent-mindedly petted the feet.

“Thank you for this Sirius,” said Remus. He indicated the room in a sweeping gesture. “For all this. And for showing me the moon.”

Sirius just smiled softly. “Remus, you are so very welcome.”

*

Sirius stirred slowly when something prodded his side. It was Remus’ foot, he realised as he opened his eyes. They were still on the couch and the moon was still spilling down into the room so they couldn’t have been asleep long. Though it wasn’t the real moon, Sirius remembered. They might have been here for hours. He certainly felt a lot soberer now. He felt sick, he realised, holding his stomach. They’d drunk a lot, and he hadn’t really eaten before. No wonder he felt so nauseous.

Gently he nudged Remus with his own foot. Remus stirred and looked confusedly at him. “Huh?”

“Hey,” said Sirius, “we should probably go. We fell asleep.”

Remus sat up, then lay back down when the room spun around him. “Yeah that’s probably a good idea. But I don’t think my body agrees with my brain right now.”

Sirius fidgeted. He really felt like he might be sick and wanted to get back to the dorm. The room would probably conjure up a sink or toilet for him to be sick in if he thought about it hard enough, but he had absolutely no desire to do so in front of Remus.

Remus must have seen something in Sirius’ face because he asked “are you okay?”

Sirius nodded but admitted, “I feel a little sick.”

“Ah.” Remus made his way to his feet a little unsteadily. “Let’s get back then.” He smiled at Sirius, who felt guilty.

“I don’t want to… bring this to an end,” said Sirius.

“I know,” said Remus softly, “but it’s okay. I feel a bit unwell too to be honest. I could do with my bed.”

They staggered to their feet and made their way towards the door before Remus realised. “Er, Siri. We should probably change out of these clothes. Didn’t you say things vanish if you take them outside of the room?”

Sirius laughed at the idea of him and Remus having to walk back naked through the corridors of Hogwarts. “I’m bloody glad you remembered that.” Remus quickly found their clothes which had been hastily strewn across the floor near the closet. They turned away from each other to change, pulling on their own trousers again.

Once he’d finished Remus couldn’t resist glancing over at Sirius changing his shirt. What he saw froze him to the core. He felt instantly sobered, as if he had stepped out a freezing cold night. Sirius had a slender but strong back, tendons pulling tightly over his prominent shoulder blades when he moved his arms. Against the pale of Sirius’ bare back, however, were angry, dark red slashes, as though someone had furiously lashed paint against a creamy white canvas. The slashes were at least an inch thick. Remus slowly registered, with horror, that they must have been done by a cane or something similar.

“…Sirius?” His voice was full of fear, but also a need to comfort, to help. 

Sirius froze. Then he quickly yanked on his faithful long-sleeved black top, before slowly turning to face Remus, trepidation and distress in his eyes.

“Your back…” Remus breathed quietly, struggling for words.

Sirius wanted to die, right there. Remus knew, he _knew_ , he’d _seen,_ and he was going to treat Sirius differently now and look at him with pity and maybe he’d think he had to tell someone, James or even a teacher –

“Sirius look at me,” Remus commanded. Sirius was breathing quickly and his eyes were flickering anxiously, not focusing. Remus reached forward to hold him but Sirius flinched away as though he’d been hit. “Shit, it’s okay, Sirius. It’s me, Remus. You’re here, you’re safe. You’re okay.”

Sirius eyes gradually focused on the room, then on him. He looked distraught. “Moony?”

“I’m here.” Sirius closed his eyes in relief.

“Can I… can I hug you?” Remus asked tentatively. Sirius nodded, eyes still closed.

Remus slowly approached him and wrapped his arms round Sirius, who forced himself to relax. Maybe it would be okay, Remus knowing. At least he wouldn’t have to lie anymore. Maybe Remus wouldn’t push him to talk about. He hadn’t with the eating thing.

“Sirius, do you want to talk about it?” Remus asked. Sirius cursed himself inwardly for getting his hopes up and shook his head vigorously.

Remus tried to mask his frustration. “Okay, but Sirius. This is…” Remus skipped over the word ‘serious’. “You need to tell someone. Madam Pomfrey, or Dumbledore even. They’ll be able to help, they can get you out of that house-”

Sirius was out of his arms in an instant, leaving Remus feel whiplashed. He looked livid.

“This is why I didn’t tell you, because I _knew_ you’d be like this. Make me talk about my feelings and _shit._ Have you ever thought maybe I just want to forget about it? Do you know how fucking hard it is to have reminders all over your body, when you just want to forget?” Sirius’ voice gradually rose.

“Yes. I do.” Remus said angrily and Sirius stopped short. “I know exactly what it’s like to have scars, reminders, of things you’re ashamed of.” Sirius looked extremely guilty.

“I’m sorry Rem, I didn’t mean-”

Remus sighed. “It’s okay Sirius.” There was a long pause and both lost their steam, anger deflating. Remus watched Sirius, who seemed to be struggling to stay in control of his emotions.

“Will you…” Sirius began in a small voice. “Will you promise me you won’t tell James? Or anyone.”

Remus felt so frustrated he wanted to cry. How the fuck was he meant to help Sirius without breaking his trust? But Sirius looked more than a little broken now, standing there in that black top he always wore, running his fingers against the insides of his wrists in frantic motion, faster and faster. Remus couldn’t bring himself to say no.

“I – oh, fine.” Sirius’ body melted with relief. Remus moved forward quickly and grabbed his wrist, stilling his hand. “But Sirius. Please tell someone about it. I’m _begging_ you.”

Sirius looked away. “I – I can’t, Rem. I can’t talk about it. I don’t have any words.”

*

They had crept back to the dorm under James’ cloak, just in case. Neither had said much more to the other but they exchanged a long, deep hug when they finally reached the dormitory where James and Peter lay snoring. As they draw back Sirius cupped Remus’ jaw and gave him a soft kiss on the lips. Then he silently moved to his bed and closed the curtains.

Remus found it hard to sleep, of course. He couldn’t get the image of Sirius’ back out of his mind. He couldn’t believe someone could do that to another person, let alone to their child. Well, Sirius hadn’t actually confirmed it was his parents. But he hadn’t denied it either. Remus wished he could talk to James about it, and cursed himself for having promised Sirius that he wouldn’t tell anyone.

Remus sighed. It had been the most incredible evening. Why did real life have to intervene? Why had this shit happened to Sirius in the first place? The universe was such a cruel place. Or perhaps it was just that Sirius’ parents were cruel people.

Eventually Remus grew sick of lying in bed and decided to tackle his anxious thoughts head on. He climbed out of bed, pulling on some robes over his pyjamas and headed down to the common room armed with parchment and a quill.

Remus sat down heavily in a comfy armchair by the fire. The Gryffindor common room reminded him a little of the incredible room Sirius had taken to him. No, more than that, Sirius had _created_ it for him, or at least willed it into existence. Remus sighed and began to scratch out his thoughts with the quill. Words would help him, they’d bring him a solution.

_Unusual behaviours exhibited by S this term:_

  * _Nightmares_
  * _Not sleeping well (linked to nightmares?) /Getting up extremely early_
  * _Skipping meals_
  * _Not eating much when at meals_
  * _Claiming not to be hungry_
  * _Never talking about home/family_
  * _Claiming to be fine all the time even when clearly not_
  * _Crying_
  * _Scars on back_
  * _Bruises on first day of term? Also broken nose (was this definitely from mugging?)_
  * _Smoking?_
  * _Anger/irritability_
  * _Kissing me…_



Remus stopped after the final bullet point, unable to go on. It felt too obtrusive, to sit and map out Sirius’ problems in this way. Though it was useful to see it all laid out like that, logically. He’d never really considered that all the separate issues and things he’d noticed might be linked. It kind of made perfect sense if there was a major issue overriding it all. The list also seemed to indicate what it might be.

Remus took off his glasses and rubbed his tired eyes in exasperation. None of this got him any closer to working out how to help Sirius, especially now he’d promised not to mention the marks he’d seen… But perhaps there was some way he could get some advice about these things, someone he could speak to? If he kept it hypothetical, maybe someone he trusted could advise him about what to do.

After wiping the parchment with a spell to make the words invisible, Remus folded it up and retired slowly to bed. He felt a slight weight off his chest now that he had resolved on what to do next.

*

Lily had been friends with Remus for years, despite not spending much time with him outside of their shared Prefect duties. She valued his opinions and admired him both for his cleverness and for the calm way he dealt with things. She had figured out a couple of years ago that Remus was a werewolf, and admired him all the more for the way he fought not to let it hold him back, always working even harder to make up for his missed lessons. She also admired the way he dealt with problems. He had a logical, realistic way of thinking and she had asked for his advice several times over the course of their friendship, even about personal matters such as her relationship with her sister Petunia.

It was for these reasons that she was surprised when it was Remus who asked for _her_ advice one night as they were patrolling the corridors – surprised that there was any problem in the world that Remus couldn’t work out how to solve.

“Lily, I… I really need some advice… confidentially, mind you,” Remus began slowly as they ambled down the third floor corridor. Trying not to show her surprise, Lily assented.

“So I have a friend, a hypothetical friend,” began Remus.

Remus had chosen to ask Lily’s advice because he respected her opinion more than anyone else’s. She was sensible and kind and just seemed to easily understand _people_ in a way he could only ever understand books. She also had his absolute trust as she was the only one outside the Marauders who’d guessed his secret, and she’d never told anyone else. He’d had to weigh up the probability of her working out the identity of his hypothetical friend, with the more important knowledge that even if she did work it out, she would never betray his trust by telling anyone. He’d initially considered asking Professor McGonagall or even Madame Pomfrey for advice, but he knew they would be very concerned and didn’t want to accidentally break his promise to Sirius if they managed to work out who he was referring to.

“I have a friend who I think might be being abused by their parents.” Remus stated, clearly, both horrified and relieved to be able to openly express his fears.

Lily was shocked. Her thoughts automatically jumped to Sirius, though she didn’t quite know why. The more she thought about it, the more she realised it _was_ most likely to be him, out of all Remus’ friends. She remembered what she’d seen at the station, and that time he’d had a panic attack after his parents wrote to him about his grades. She quickly pushed these thoughts out of her head. It shouldn’t make a difference who it was. This wasn’t gossip; Remus was asking for her advice, and she was determined to be logical about this, as logical as Remus.

“I-” Lily thought about it carefully. “That’s really tough, Remus. Have they told you this?”

“No,” admitted Remus, “but I’ve discovered… er… signs of abuse. Physical abuse I mean.”

Lily made a conscious effort not to remember Sirius’ broken nose at the start of term, the blood spattered on his t-shirt, the way he crouched over the cauldron as though he was ashamed.

“They really don’t want anyone to know,” Remus continued. “I considered going to a teacher, but I can’t risk breaking their trust.” Lily nodded.

“I think… that’s good. It’s important that you’re there for h- them, and that you stay in a position where they can open up to you if they choose to. They might be in a really horrible place, mentally.” Remus nodded grimly at this. “But I think you should encourage them to seek help. I did a project, actually, on some of the legal issues that surround abuse in the wizarding world. Well, it was about crime in general, but I ended up focusing on crimes towards children and minors. It was pretty intense stuff, but the laws aren’t dissimilar to the Muggle ones. In a case of abuse, you have to provide a statement and some kind of proof to the court - almost definitely a detailed statement from the minor that is being abused. And I hate to say it, but the signs of physical abuse you discovered might be really useful if they decide they want to pursue a case, as photos of injuries or scars would constitute proof.”

Remus looked a little overwhelmed. “I see. I hadn’t thought of it like that. What would be the outcome of a successful case?”

“If it was successful, the minor would move into the custody of another adult or family member. They also might be able to get a restraining order for the abuser or abusers, preventing them from coming near them again.”

Remus mulled this over. He knew Lily had been the right person to ask – though it was pure luck that she’d done a project on just the topic he needed information about. But he couldn’t imagine how Sirius would receive this information. Would it help him see he should report it?

There were other complications too, of course. There was no guarantee that Sirius’ family wouldn’t be able to bribe the court or something, or perhaps just their family name would be enough that they would never be convicted. Plus, it might mean everyone finding out about the abuse, if the newspapers heard about it. Remus felt strongly that this was the last thing Sirius would ever want.

“Remus,” Lily squeezed his arm gently but firmly. “The most important thing you can do is be there for him. Encourage him to open up and report it, definitely, but remember that you’re also doing a great service as a friend by just being there, letting him speak to you about it, when he wants to.”

Remus let out of a low growl of frustration. “There’s more, Lily. I don’t know how to deal with the other stuff that I think is caused by… the abuse. I’ve just been ignoring it, treating him like normal so he feels he can still trust me, but it doesn’t seem to be working?”

Lily thought about how worn and thin Sirius was looking, the fact he often skipped meals and the occasions she’d heard James nagging him about eating.

“Those issues aren’t really something you can solve, Remus,” she told him sadly. “There are things you can do to help, but ultimately people only really face their issues when they want to, when they’re ready to. Just make sure he knows you’re there for him. Help him have reasons to get better.”

Remus nodded, and spontaneously pulled Lily into a hug. “Thanks, Lily. I knew you’d have some good advice about this.”

Later in the dormitory Remus ran over what they’d discussed for the millionth time. He kept coming back to those final words, _help him have reasons to get better_. He realised suddenly that the general ‘they’ pronouns had become ‘he’ half way through their conversation. Of course Lily had realised it was Sirius he was talking about.

*

Sirius couldn’t avoid thinking about his feelings for Remus anymore after that night. When James had finally stopped gushing about his night with Lily he had begun to badger Sirius incessantly about what he and Remus had been up to. Sirius eventually told him, skipping over some of the details, such as the dancing and the kissing. James seemed intrigued by the room and made Sirius promise to take him there. Nevertheless, as Sirius went on, James began to frown in a very familiar way.

“Sounds kind of like a date,” he said, when Sirius was finished.

Sirius stilled. He could see exactly why James thought that. If he was being completely honest with himself, he wasn’t certain that it _hadn’t_ been a date. But he had no desire to receive another lecture by James, and shrugged off his comments quickly before changing the subject.

When he was alone later, smoking by the castle wall but tucked behind a parapet so no stray teacher would spot him, Sirius slumped to the ground and really _thought_ about things for the first time in a while. What had he been thinking of, taking Moony on some kind of date? And kissing him again – it was bad enough that it had happened once, but _twice_!?

 _You have no self-control,_ the voice in Sirius’ head berated him. _Remus deserves better than someone messing with his feelings._

Another, more hopeful part of Sirius’ mind pointed out that Remus had kissed him back. This made Sirius feel slightly better. It made him wonder if Remus could possibly like him like _that_ , but he pushed away those thoughts. Remus would never waste his time liking someone as shitty and messed up as Sirius. Especially as – _oh fuck –_ Remus now knew exactly how messed up he was, after seeing his back.  

Sirius scratched his wrist angrily, making his newer, scabbed cuts start bleeding again. He needed to get over this right now, whatever this was. Some kind of weird urge that came over him when Remus was around, a desire to kiss him… No, he knew what it really was. A desire to take advantage of Remus to satisfy his every whim, not thinking about his friend’s feelings, whether he even wanted it. It was typical Black behaviour. How had he ever imagined he was different from them?

Sirius flicked the ask from his cigarette straight onto his arm to stop these thoughts. It sizzled there for a second, sending a jolt of pain through his body. As he smoked another cigarette he did the same, focused on the pain, adding several more tiny burn scars to his collection by the time he had run through what remained in the packet.

Shakily he stood. The ground pitched and swayed as his brain buzzed with light-headedness and he had to steady himself against the tower. It was still probably lunch, but that was the last thing Sirius deserved right now. He made his way slowly back to his dorm instead, having to pause occasionally, holding onto the railings every so often.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll be doing NaNoWriMo now so won't be updating this for a month or so. I'll definitely be back though, so keep an eye out in December!

*

The weeks slipped past; October fell away into November. The days grew shorter and the world outside the castle grew colder. Sirius felt cold all the time now. But he wasn’t unhappy; everything seemed to have fallen into a pleasant equilibrium. For once, everything in his life felt balanced.

The Marauders were closer than ever and had fallen back into pranking, with gusto. Remus, surprisingly, was the most wholeheartedly involved. There was barely time for the Marauders to fondly look back on their most recent prank before he was suggesting another, or shamelessly encouraging Sirius and James’ enthusiasm. Sirius was grateful for the endless distractions. Pranking stretched his mind and engaged him, keeping his straying thoughts away from unpleasant memories. It also brought him closer to James.

(One of the unpleasant memories Sirius was very much not thinking about was the letter from Regulus which James had given him the day after Slughorn’s party. James had been watching him read it, so he had kept his face a careful blank, then tucked the letter away in a drawer where he never had to think about it again.)

Sirius had managed to reach some kind of balance in terms of food as well. He’d tried to be logical about it, pushing aside his instinctive repulsion to the idea of eating more. He’d realised that he couldn’t carry on eating as little as he had been – it was making him dizzy a lot of the time, and sick, and he had even started to struggle with his magic. He was eating slightly more now and making a point of attending all meals, mainly because they were ideal times to plan pranks. He kept a careful note of what he was eating, making sure he didn’t eat too much, which meant that he still felt in control. And he suspected that he was still gradually losing weight, as his clothes felt looser, though he didn’t seem to look any difference. As long as he stayed in control, it was okay to eat a bit more. As long as he didn’t ever eat more than he planned, it was okay. He was exercising a lot more as well, running every day and pushing himself harder than ever during Quidditch practice. They won their first game of the season, which made Sirius happy to think that his hard work was paying off.

James stopped nagging Sirius about eating, which contributed to the distinct improvement in their relationship. James recognised that his friend was still eating a lot less than him, but he was at least eating, even breakfast. (Strictly: one piece of fruit and a handful of nuts, _or_ a very small bowl of oatmeal and a glass of juice). But the very fact he was present and eating was enough to satisfy James, who he hadn’t got a lot of spare brain space for worrying, what with pranks and classes and Quidditch and Lily. James had managed to take Lily on several other dates and she had started to spend more time with the rest of the Marauders as well. Sirius found he didn’t mind Lily’s new presence at meals as much as he’d thought he would. She’d never once commented on his eating habits, though he occasionally caught her watching him carefully spooning out vegetables onto his plate, his lips twitching as he counted out his portion. But she was good to talk to, and funny, and James seemed so happy.

Most enjoyably of all, Sirius felt he was growing closer to Remus than ever before. Sirius was on his best behaviour, resisting the strange urges he had around his friend, though he couldn’t stop himself relishing the moments of physical intimacy they often shared. He’d even found himself opening up a little about his home life. (Just a little, never enough to let the memories surface. Never enough to set his brain spinning with buzzing, anxious panic.) They would spend most nights holed up in one of their beds, behind closed curtains and a silencing spell, just talking. Occasionally Sirius would drop in a new piece of information, about his family, his relationship with his brother, even about his parents. Remus absorbed it in that particular way he had – a calm, considered way of listening, which made Sirius feel that it might just be okay, to let it out in small doses. Like inoculating yourself against a disease.

“My mum did that to my back,” Sirius finally admitted one day. They were lying on his bed with the hangings open, watching the stars through the misty glass of the window. He didn’t know why he was saying it out loud, after all this time. He didn’t know why he suddenly felt a compulsion to put it into words.

Remus kept his body still. Sirius’ head was on his lap and Remus was running his fingers through the dark curls that splayed out across his legs. They hadn’t kissed, not since they’d been to the Room, but they often found themselves being intimate now, as if it was second nature. Often Remus imagined he could feel the potential to kiss lingering in the air between them. It felt like it was only a matter of time.

“Thank you for telling me,” Remus said slowly. Sirius let out a breath he hadn’t known he’d been holding. This was why he found himself opening up to Remus; he didn’t judge, or interrogate, or demand answers to impossible questions, like James would have done. He just listened and was grateful and glad every time Sirius shared a bit more of his soul.

“She used a belt,” Sirius continued slowly. He felt so far away from it now, curled up in bed with Remus. He wanted to see if he could tell it like a story, disinterestedly, with no emotion, no pain. “It was a punishment for something, I can’t even remember what. My father was out, at a meeting. He usually deals with that stuff. I can’t remember what it was, but it made her so mad, she didn’t wait for him. She ordered me to turn around. When I refused, she pinned me in place with her wand. Then she just started hitting me. With the belt.”

He stopped for a few moments. Window pane. Curtains. Stars. Reminding himself where he was, keeping himself grounded.

“I think she got… carried away. She didn’t stop. Not for ages. It wasn’t controlled, like my father. She just lashed out, blindly. I felt blood running down my back, into my trousers. When I finally made a noise, she stopped. It felt like it had been hours.”

Remus wondered how Sirius could have only just made a noise at that point. He could see the scene vividly. He squeezed Sirius’ shoulder tightly with his hand. Sirius reached up and took the hand in his own, winding their fingers together.

“I underestimated her,” he told Remus. “I always just thought it was him I had to worry about. But I was wrong.”

Remus wanted to hold Sirius tight and squeeze him, to keep him safe and make him happy, always. He settled for squeezing Sirius’ hand reassuringly.

“I’m sorry Sirius,” he said, soberly. “I can’t believe you went through that.” (He resisted the urge to beg Sirius again to tell someone. He didn’t tell Sirius how hard it was to hear about things he couldn’t do anything about. How useless he felt.)

Sirius squeezed back. He felt fully present. He’d done it – he’d told the story. The memories couldn’t hurt him.

*

The next Quidditch match was fast approaching: Gryffindor vs Slytherin. James stepped up the training even more, to the point that Sirius was beginning to feel unwell again, his mind and body reeling after each practice. James caught him being sick a couple of times in the changing rooms, and worried his star keeper was getting ill. Sirius did his best to reassure him that it was nothing.

Remus was increasingly on edge about the possibility of having to play as Beater, despite his friends’ reassurances. When he let himself go in practice he found he could whack a Bludger distinctly further and harder than anyone else. He didn’t often let himself go for this very reason.

James became obsessed with game plans and techniques to the point where Lily refused to sit with them at lunch or dinner anymore until after the match. She was surprised to find she genuinely enjoyed the Marauders’ company, but not when the conversation consisted entirely of Quidditch. Even Remus, who she could usually rely on to be the voice of reason, seemed to be affected by it, fretting about his own performance. Lily had hoped for an ally in Peter as he didn’t play Quidditch but, unfortunately, he worshipped James so much that he was happy to encourage James’ analyses of famous Quidditch matches for the entire meal. Sirius also joined in enthusiastically when he could get a word in edgeways, but Lily suspected this was mainly to draw attention from the food he chopped up and pushed around his plate but didn’t actually eat. She was planning to mention this observation to James after the match, actually.

Lily still hadn’t gotten over her surprising discovery that she actually really liked James. Since they’d been spending more time together she’d seen more of the kind, caring, generous side that he reserved for his friends. He had an awareness of each of his friends’ particular needs and was subtle but effective in helping them. Peter hated being laughed at and genuinely feared being left alone in close proximity to Slytherins – so James always accompanied him to classes and made sure to bolster Peter’s confidence every so often by appreciating his jokes and prank suggestions. Sirius’ problems seemed to be much more complex, but Lily knew James was aware – to some extent, at least – that Sirius had issues with eating. She spotted the _well done, mate_ looks James gave Sirius on the rare occasions he finished everything on his plate and Sirius’ relieved little smiles in return. 

As for Remus, well, Lily wasn’t quite sure, but she guessed Potter knew about him being a werewolf. He and Sirius were careful and considerate with Remus around the full moon, never pushing him to do too much, even carrying his heavy, book-filled bag for him sometimes, while managing to never make him feel coddled or pitied. There was something else too, Lily suspected. She sometimes saw James casting knowing looks at Remus, though Sirius didn’t seem to be included in these. Lily had a vague, hopeful suspicion what it might be about, but nothing concrete, and it would be far too embarrassing to mention in case she was wrong. Whatever it was about, though, it always made Remus blush profusely.

*

The morning of the Quidditch match dawned bright and blue, tinged with November cold. Sirius was up early, as usual, but resisted the urge to go running. He still felt exhausted and drained from last night’s practice; James would kill him if he overdid it before the match. Instead he propped himself in bed and worked on yet another sketch, rather than the homework that he really needed to be doing. Drawing calmed his anxious morning brain and he had nearly filled the whole sketchbook with his series of moonlight pictures.

He still felt calm as he forced down half a bowl of oatmeal for breakfast, plus a glass of juice to give him a burst of sugar. (He felt calm when he threw it back up in the toilets straight after.) He felt calm as he gave Remus a quick hug in the changing rooms, whispering “don’t worry, Moony. If you have to play, you’ll do great. You’re stronger than the wolf, you’re in control.” He felt calm as they walked out onto the pitch alongside James who was running over and over their game plays again.

He felt calm as he took his position at the goalposts. He felt calm even as he looked into the eyes of his cousins on the opposite team.

Madame Hooch blew the whistle and suddenly – **bang** – the game began, every player throwing themselves into the action. Adrenaline coursed through Sirius and he almost fell off his broom as the Quaffle began to approach his goals, but it was headed off quickly and made its way up the Slytherin end. Sirius felt his heart racing and flew anxiously back and forth, trying to channel all the jittery energy he was suddenly feeling.

It worked. He saved goal after goal, including some which were very close, one which forced him to somersault over and over on his broom. His sensitive stomach protested and he was very nearly sick again. He could hear James cheering madly after every goal he saved, even over the uproar coming from the Gryffindor stand.

A bludger soared towards him and he spun his broom again, using the handle to whack it straight back down the pitch away from him. _Nice move there from Black,_ the commentator was saying, _where on earth are those Gryffindor beaters when you need them?_ Just a second later, Sirius’ bludger careered straight into one of those Gryffindor beaters. Madame Hooch blew her whistle.

“Shit, I’m sorry, mate!” Sirius called to his injured teammate, who waved a hand to say “it’s alright!” as he traipsed off the pitch clutching his arm to his chest. A pale, nervous looking Remus was substituted on.

“You’d better not have done that deliberately,” chided Remus as he flew near to Sirius, but he had a joking tone to his voice. Sirius just winked at him.

Remus excelled himself for the rest of the match. The Quaffle, unfortunately, spent far more time by the Gryffindor posts than at the other end of the pitch, meaning Sirius was run off his feet trying to keep it out of the goal. Remus’ vigilance was constantly required to keep the Bludgers away from Sirius as he caught the ball again and again. They made a good team, but Sirius couldn’t help the few goals that begun to slip in. He was starting to get extremely light-headed, much to his alarm, and made frantic eyes at James, who began to search for the snitch with a new level of desperation, realising that their luck couldn’t keep holding out.

Everything came to a head as a heavy-set Slytherin lobbed the Quaffle straight at the goals from just a few metres away. Sirius threw himself in front of the posts, catching the Quaffle but enduring a heavy blow to his torso. Winded, he lobbed the Quaffle away and blinked in alarm as his vision began to wobble and fade. He couldn’t breathe properly. His heart began to pound and the wind roared in his ears; he barely registered the triumphant scream resounding around the stadium as James finally caught the snitch.

 _Just hold on_ , he told himself, as he began his descent to the ground. _Just hold on,_ but his knuckles were turning white where his hands were gripping the broom, urging it forwards. He could hear his father’s voice in his ears now: _worthless, weak. Why don’t you just let go now and save me the trouble._

His vision was fading to black and he was pitching sideways but he put a last burst of effort into staying upright and clasping the broom until finally, with relief, his feet hit the ground. He didn’t hear Remus shouting his name. Sirius drowned in blackness, sliding from his broom on to the hard, cold Quidditch pitch.

*

When James caught the snitch, Remus flew excitedly back and forth, completely unable to believe that his team had just won and he had - he hoped - contributed to the win. He looked for Sirius and saw the dark-haired player zig-zagging quickly downwards. Something was wrong: Sirius was weaving, off-kilter, as if he was flying drunk.

There was no time to panic. Remus turned his broom and urged it forward with every ounce of his werewolf strength. He felt a part of the wolf rise within him as he pushed his broom faster than he’d even known was possible, giving himself over to the animal instinct which was even stronger than adrenaline, even more powerful. He could sense Sirius, somehow, even with all the space between them, and the wolf knew that the weak thrumming of Sirius’ heart was wrong.

Remus hit the ground just a few seconds after Sirius and leapt forward but couldn’t stop his friend hitting his head as he slumped to the ground, eyes half-open but unseeing.

“Sirius! Sirius, wake up,” Remus found himself saying – no, shouting, insistently. There was a horrified silence in the stadium closest to them, but the rest of the pitch was still wholeheartedly cheering for Gryffindor, or loudly muttering and scowling to each other. Madame Hooch suddenly appeared at Remus’ side.

“Let me see him,” she commanded. Remus moved aside silently as she checked Sirius’ pulse and breathing. “What happened?” she barked at Remus.

“I – I don’t know. He landed on the ground then just collapsed,” Remus said shakily.

Madame Hooch ran her wand over Sirius. “He seems fine physically, though his blood pressure is extremely low,” she informed Remus and Professor McGonagall, who had rushed over from the nearest stand. “That’s most likely why he passed out. He’ll need to be taken to the hospital wing.”

Sirius began to stir, his eyelids fluttering.

“We’ll take him.” James had appeared at Remus’ side, his eyes wide and shocked. Before Madame Hooch could refuse, Sirius gasped back into life like a reanimated corpse.

“W-what happened?” he asked weakly.

“You fainted, Sirius,” said Madame Hooch. “Thank Merlin you made it to the ground in time, or you could have died. Did you hit your head?”

Sirius rubbed the back of his head absent-mindedly and winced. “Yeah…” he said softly. His eyes finally identified the figures of his friends in front of him, but their shapes seemed to shift and blur whenever he switched his focus. Madame Hooch exchanged glances with Professor McGonagall who with a flick of her wand sent a quick message flying up towards the hospital wing in the form of a glistening feline Patronus.

“Can you stand, Sirius?” asked Madame Hooch. Sirius got to his feet, shaking so hard they could see his whole body trembling. Instinctively James and Remus moved in to support him on either side. Madame Hooch frowned and conjured a stretcher with a wave of her wand.

“I don’t need that,” said Sirius firmly. He took a tentative step forward, kept upright by his friends who flanked him closely. “I can walk.”

Madame Hooch and Professor McGonagall exchanged glances, but seemed to silently agree that arguing would only waste more time. “Very well, Mr Black, Mr Potter and Mr Lupin will accompany you. Madame Pomfrey is heading down to meet you now anyway.”

The three Marauders made their way slowly off the pitch, away from the anxious eyes of their team and house. Lily and Peter joined them, having quickly fought their way from the stand through the throng of spectators.

Sirius was embarrassed by all the fuss he had caused. He tried to move quickly, but found it very difficult to stay upright as his head was still reeling. It was a little like the sensation of apparating, a sort of senseless spinning feeling that didn’t correspond with the world around him and made his eyes slip off objects when he tried to focus on them. He felt nauseous too and had a pain in his side where the Quaffle had hit into him. Even through his embarrassment at how weak he must seem, he was grateful and comforted by the press of James and Remus either side of him. Remus, in fact, was subtly taking a lot of Sirius’ weight, so he felt like he was gliding effortlessly. His brain felt kind of peaceful now. It was almost like being Padfoot: just a series of sensual impressions of colour and light.

*

Madame Pomfrey was concerned, once again, by the arrival of Sirius Black in her hospital wing. At least he was conscious this time, but barely, needing to be supported by his two friends who staggered through the door and deposited him on a bed with surprising gentleness. Sirius looked like he was about to slip back into sleep and Madame Pomfrey hastily handed him a pep-up potion, anticipating that his blood sugar had probably bottomed out again. She ran her eyes over him, assessing. He looked thinner than last time she’d seen him, his Quidditch robes hanging off him. No wonder his body had struggled with the pace of the game. He looked pale too, with dark circles under his eyes. He didn’t look healthy: perhaps he had been ill?

“Right, out you go,” she attempted to shoo out his friends. James set his jaw and stubbornly refused. To her surprise, Mr Lupin, Mr Pettigrew and Miss Evans did the same. She was about to insist when she realised it might not be such a bad thing if they heard what she was about to say to Sirius – even if it was a slight lapse in patient confidentiality.

“Very well,” she said, “but you must wait over there while I examine my patient.” She indicated the waiting chairs arranged by the hospital wing door. The Marauders trooped over and sat heavily. James angrily scuffed his shoes back and forward against the floor, leaving black marks. Lily frowned at him. Peter nibbled his lip like an anxious rodent. Remus was thankful for his acute wolf hearing as Madame Pomfrey moved in to where Sirius was sitting on the bed and pulled closed the curtains behind her.

“A surprise to see you here again, Mr Black,” she said. “I suspect you didn’t take my advice after last time.”

*

Sirius didn’t understand what had happened. He’d been eating, he _had_. Okay, he had been doing a lot of exercise, and maybe he didn’t always eat more on days he had practice. But he made sure he ate _something._

Admittedly, the something he was eating had been getting less and less recently. And okay, maybe he often found himself pushing his food around his plate instead of eating it.

But any time he ate anything it felt like too much, so what was he supposed to do? Plus, he’d been stressed about the upcoming match. It wasn’t his fault if being stressed made it harder to eat.

Eating made him feel sick, actually, so it wasn’t his fault if he helped it along a bit after meals, surely?

Sirius tuned back in to his friends’ conversation, smoothing out the frown between his brows. James’ relief and anger had now dissipated and he was excitedly planning the victory party they would be holding that night in the Gryffindor common room. Sirius tried to look enthusiastic, despite wanting nothing more than to sleep.

Remus caught his eye and gave him a calm smile. _You’re ok_ , he seemed to be saying, _I’ve got you._

In truth, Remus was slightly in shock from the whole ordeal. He’d been terrified when Sirius had collapsed, relieved when he woke up, and was now simultaneously worried and relieved with equal intensity. He’d overheard Sirius’ conversation with Madame Pomfrey and couldn’t help but fret over what she’d said. Sirius’ weight was even lower than last time he was here. His blood pressure and blood sugar levels were low too and Madame Pomfrey had asked if he had been feeling dizzy often? Remus wasn’t sure what Sirius replied to this, but it had made Madame Pomfrey tut. She’d quizzed him about his eating and Sirius had lied through his teeth about how much he was eating at meals. Remus almost wanted to go over there and tell her the truth, but Sirius would never forgive him. It didn’t sound like Madame Pomfrey believed him either. She told him he needed to start gaining some weight before he became ill. She even threatened him with weight gain potions.

When the Marauders were finally allowed over to see him, Sirius looked lost, his thin frame propped up against the pillows. He quickly schooled his features into a pleasant calm as James dropped loudly into the chair closest to the bed.

“What happened?” James demanded. Sirius flinched.

“She… er… I…”

“Did she say you haven’t been eating enough?” James didn’t want to tiptoe around the issue anymore: his best friend was in the hospital wing, _again_. Something needed to be done.

Sirius shrugged, a little defiantly. James looked pissed off.

“Pads, I don’t know what it going on with you, but you _need_ to start eating normally again. Look at you. You’re getting really fucking skinny.” James dropped his voice. “You really scared me when you collapsed earlier. If you hadn’t made it to the ground you could have died! We’re not going to let this happen again.” He spoke resolutely and Sirius looked down at his lap. Lily reached out and squeezed Sirius' arm and he let out a deep breath.

“I’m sorry,” he said quietly. “I didn’t mean to worry you all. I guess I’ve been overdoing it, with the running and Quidditch… I’ll work on it, I promise.”

James sighed. “Will you eat?” There was a tense pause.

“Yes,” said Sirius. _It’s not as easy as that_ , he thought.

“Okay,” said James. “Okay. I’m sorry for pushing the Quidditch so hard recently. I know I've probably made this" - he waved his arm vaguely at Sirius - "worse. But at least we’ve won now!” Sirius looked happy again at the reminder and the conversation turned into party planning.

Remus sat back and watched Sirius gesticulating wildly with James. He loved Sirius. James was right: they couldn’t let this happen again. Remus couldn’t bear the thought of losing him; he couldn’t even comprehend it. But Sirius could have died today.

Lily watched Remus watching Sirius. She smiled to herself. Remus loved Sirius; it was so obvious now.

Sirius was going to be okay, Lily decided. He had the most amazing people watching out for him. Surely that would be enough?

*


	11. Chapter 11

After the Quidditch incident, the Marauders unanimously agreed that they simply couldn’t let Sirius just carry on in the same way. If he was getting so dizzy from not eating that he had almost fallen from his broom mid-air, something was clearly very wrong. Remus felt a distinct sense of guilt that they had let it get that bad. Especially as he himself had made excuses to avoid talking to Sirius about it.

Once they had seen him in the hospital wing James led Lily, Remus and Peter outside to walk around the lake, despite the freezing cold outside. They needed to talk and they needed privacy. James seemed slightly frantic, angry and frustrated by the whole thing. He broke the silence as they rounded the furthest corner of the lake, throwing his hands in the air and exclaiming to the heavens, “I don’t understand this! Why can’t he just eat normally?! It’s not bloody hard!”

Lily and Remus exchanged glances. Remus felt another pang of guilt, wondering if he should come forward and tell them about the abuse. But he didn’t doubt for a second that James would then confront Sirius about it. If Sirius saw it as a betrayal of his trust, it would bring an end to their late-night conversations and confessions... Or was he just being selfish, thinking about that? Wanting to be Sirius’ main confidant, wanting him for himself? His feelings for Sirius seemed to muddle the whole situation.

Remus looked down at his feet instead of answering, narrowly avoiding an icy puddle. He could feel James’ eyes on him, as if Remus held all the answers. Instead, it was Lily who responded, tentatively.

“It’s not that easy for him, James. I mean, he has… an eating disorder, doesn’t he?”

A wave of cold shock flooded Remus’ body, from his head to his fingers and toes. He knew there was something wrong with Sirius’ eating habits, of course he did. But he’d never thought about it in those terms. He glanced over at James.

James was stood like a statue, his eyes huge. For once he was utterly silent. Peter, beside him, wore a frown of deepest confusion.

Remus didn’t know much about eating disorders. He knew what they were, of course. He remembered a conversation he’d overheard between his parents when he was younger, about one of his Welsh cousins he didn’t know very well, who had been admitted to hospital because she wasn’t eating.  _Anorexic_ , that was the word his parents had used. And during his second year of Hogwarts he’d been vaguely aware of a Ravenclaw girl in his class who’d left suddenly because she was too ill to continue studying. Rumours had gone around the class that she had an eating disorder, though he’d never bothered to establish the truth of this. But he couldn’t relate either of these situations to _Sirius_ , Sirius who was so full of life and energy and wasn’t just a story, like those girls, but someone Remus actually knew and loved…

Suddenly he tasted a metallic, bloody tang and realised he’d bitten his lip hard. The group had stopped, huddling inside their coats by the bank of the silvery lake. James had his arms crossed so tensely, hands under his armpits, that he looked like he might burst. Lily fidgeted awkwardly beside him, blowing on her fingers to warm them.

“I thought only girls got eating disorders?” Peter wondered aloud, breaking the loaded silence.

Lily looked bothered by this, but answered Peter calmly. “No… they’re more common in girls, but boys get them too. Anyone can get them.”

Finally James spoke up, a little sharply. “What makes you think he’s got... that?”

Lily looked down, embarrassed. “I guess I don’t know that he does… just, based on what I’ve seen, the way he acts around food…”

“Well,” James interrupted. “I guess we’ll see. He said he’d eat. He promised.”

James’ words had a finality to them, shutting down the conversation. His jaw twitched as he continued walking. Lily looked taken aback so Remus moved closer to her, squeezing her arm comfortingly.

James wouldn’t discuss the possibility again after that, so they all acted as though that particular conversation hadn’t happened. Remus and Lily talked about it privately after dinner that evening.

“I didn’t mean to be so tactless earlier,” Lily sighed as they stretched out together on one of the Gryffindor sofas, homework spread across their laps, though neither had managed to get much done. The Quidditch party was fast approaching and soon they would be turfed out by enthusiastic students intending to transform the common room. “I’ve never seen James shut down like that before.”

“I’ve never seen him be so rude to you either,” Remus added softly.

“Oh, I don’t mind that,” said Lily. “It was just too much for him to deal with. You know how he worries. I think this thing with Sirius had been bothering him more than he was letting on. The idea of an eating disorder, something scary and alien to him… I think he’s really frightened. I think he’s overwhelmed by it.” Remus agreed with this conclusion, appreciating - not for the first time - how insightful Lily could be. Just a few minutes later Sirius appeared in the common room, having only just been released by Madame Pomfrey. He looked deep in thought as he pushed through the portrait hole, his robes wafting around him.

“Hey, Pads. How are you feeling?” Remus asked Sirius as he walked past, not wanting to startle him.

Sirius looked up in surprise, then a smile of relief lit up his face.

“Hey Moons,” he pulled Remus in for a hug. He bloody well needed one. Madame Pomfrey had kept him back to eat his dinner in the hospital wing, frowned at how little he managed to eat and interrogated him once again before letting him go. She made it clear that she would be intervening very soon if this carried on… She hadn’t acknowledged what ‘this’ was but then Sirius didn’t really know himself. He strongly suspected she knew what he’d been doing though and that scared him. He had to go back to see her in three weeks’ time for a check-up.

Pushing this out of his mind, Sirius focused on Remus’ warmth underneath him, his hand rubbing loose circles on Sirius’ back… and Lily watching him from over Remus’ shoulder with an oddly knowing look.

Sirius pulled back.

“You know you really don’t have to do this party tonight,” Remus was saying, “I know James will probably tell you that you do, but if you don’t feel up to it he would understand.” Lily rolled her eyes and nodded in agreement behind him.

Sirius tried to muster up his most Sirius-like grin. “Nah, ‘course I’m up for it! I’m feeling loads better.” He was lying, wholeheartedly. He wanted nothing more than to retire to bed and never get out. But he knew that enough damage had already been done; if he ever wanted his friends to treat him normally – not as if he was made of glass – he had to start now. Remus gave him a Look that suggested he knew Sirius wasn’t feeling great, but that he would support him anyway. Sirius quickly squeezed Remus’ hand and the two turned hand-in-hand to walk up to their dorm, discussing the party.

“See you later then!” Lily shouted, shaking her head over the two of them.

*

To everyone’s surprise, it was actually Remus who ended up being not up to partying that night, after made the distinctly un-Remus-like decision to get extremely drunk. The situation with Sirius was gnawing away at him. After one too many firewhiskeys in an attempt to drown out the memory of Sirius collapsing from his broom, Remus had decided he might as well go the whole hog and drink himself into oblivion.

Sirius didn’t notice, to start with. He was too busy losing himself on the dancefloor, riding high on the relieved grins he was getting from Prongs. The Gryffindor common room had been transformed – fluorescent multi-coloured lights lit up a huge dancing space, bodies moving wordlessly to the pounding beat, and there seemed to be an endless supply of booze despite the Prefects’ efforts to control its availability. Sirius didn’t touch any himself. He didn’t want to do anything to jeopardise this wonderful night and suspected that if he started drinking, he might not be able to stop.

Girls were practically queueing up to dance with James and Sirius, much to Lily’s amusement. James was the hero of the match, but Sirius had also performed spectacularly, not to mention his death-defying near-crash at the end. Sirius danced with everyone. He savoured the music as it coursed through his body, guiding his movements. As yet another girl got a little too close, Sirius realised that she wanted to kiss him. Apologising, he quickly extricated himself from the dancers and moved to lean back against the wall near the fireplace. It was nice to be out of the crowd as well, where he could breathe properly. And it was fun to watch everyone. James was bouncing around all over the place (he was a terrible dancer). Sirius laughed as he watched, enjoying being on the outside. Lily came up to him.

“Remus is very drunk,” she informed him. Sirius’ eyebrows raised.

“ _Really_?” He didn’t think he’d ever seen Remus very drunk. He’d seen him drink, of course, but Remus had always been the most controlled by far. No wonder Lily looked concerned.

Sirius let her lead him over to where Remus was sat in the armchairs clutching a bottle of firewhiskey, talking absolute shit to the Gryffindors that surrounded him – something loosely to do with the goblin rebellion they'd studied in history, but he was falling over his words and seemed to be making stuff up. “But what about the _giants_?”

The others were tolerating him, amused, even as they carried on their own conversations. Sirius had to stifle a giggle. He flopped down next to Remus and slung an arm over his shoulder. Remus glanced beside him blurrily and noticed that Sirius’ shirt had ridden up, exposing his very flat, toned stomach and a jutting hip-bone.

“Oh god,” Remus muttered to himself, “no no, you can do it, focus, something else something else. Oh damn. Drink again.” He poured himself another shot and slung it back unceremoniously before Sirius had time to react. Unknown to anyone else, Remus was now playing a little drinking game with himself. Drink every time you have an inappropriate thought about Sirius Black.

Remus’ hand was deftly caught by Sirius as he lowered the shot glass, pulling an agonised face.

“Come on Moons. I think maybe it’s time we took the party upstairs, what do you say?”

Remus was getting quite beyond speech by this point. He was more than happy for Sirius to lead him, half-supporting him upstairs. This proved something of a challenge as Remus was uncoordinated at the best of times and weighed more than Sirius, who struggled to hold him up whenever Remus lost his balance on the stairs. Remus started to mumble gibberish again as they entered the dorm. Sirius caught the words “can’t tell”, “too much”, “sick.” With this last word, Remus suddenly hurled himself into the bathroom and began throwing up violently. Sirius followed him, making sure Remus’ blond hair wasn’t falling into his face and massaging his lower back softly.

“Oh god, Pads,” Remus moaned into the toilet bowl once he had stopped. Sirius helped him to cautiously sit up.

“I’m so disgusting…” there was a vague mumbling after this and then “you’ll never want to kiss me again”. Sirius’ heart thudded so much that he felt slightly alarmed. Surely this was not the time to talk about it. He was surprised to discover Remus was even thinking about it. Feeling confident that Remus was unlikely to remember any of this in the morning, he leaned in and gave Remus a gentle kiss on the back of his neck. A shudder ran down Remus’ spine.

“I definitely do want to kiss you again,” Sirius confessed softly. “But not when you’re sick, eh?”

Sirius had just settled Remus into bed when there came a sound like a herd of elephants on the dormitory stairs. James charged in, stopping short when he saw Sirius sitting next to an unconscious Remus, tucking down the covers in a motherly way. He ran his hand through his hair as he caught his breath.

“Ah… you’re here… good good. I couldn’t find you… I was worried,” James admitted, all the energy seeming to fade from him. He sat down in relief on the bed opposite Sirius.

Sirius was deeply touched that James was so worried about him that he’d torn himself away from the army of girls wanting to dance with him. He also felt terrible that he’d given him reason to worry.

“I’m sorry…” Sirius began but James interrupted, “No, no, _I’m_ sorry.”

Sirius blinked. James continued hastily, “I’m sorry I haven’t been supporting you properly. I should have realised you weren’t just being difficult. I didn’t realise how hard… eating is, for you. I want to help though. I want to understand.”

Sirius felt his face flush and wanted nothing more than to lock himself in the bathroom forever and never have to deal with this stuff. But James looked so earnest and kind and concerned. Sirius couldn’t pull away now.

“James it’s _not_ your fault. None of you. It’s just me. I’m fucked up.” Sirius confessed, hanging his head to let his hair cover his face. Suddenly he felt strong, familiar arms around him as James hugged him fiercely. Sirius relaxed into his grip.

“You’re not fucked up, Pads,” James said firmly. “It’s not good that you do this stuff to yourself, but we can fix it, find ways of managing it… better ways.” Sirius nodded against his shoulder, not wanting to speak. James pulled him back and looked into his eyes, holding Sirius' face in his hands. The odd thought came to Sirius’ mind that if James had been Remus, he would have kissed him.

“I really like him, James,” Sirius said suddenly, surprising James with the subject change. It took him a moment to catch up. “…Do you mean Moony?”

“Yeah,” said Sirius. “I think maybe he likes me too. But I don’t want him to get dragged into all this shit, y’know? All the eating stuff. I don’t want him to get hurt by it…”

James hastily tried to process all this, wishing that he was completely sober.

“I think he’s involved anyway, to be honest, Pads,” James said slowly. “We all are. We’re all invested in you getting better, and Remus would be as well even if there wasn’t anything… romantic between you.” He hoped he had explained that clearly. His head was really starting to spin.

Sirius sighed. “I guess. God I’ve messed this all up so badly, Prongs.”

“Nah, you haven’t. It’s not your fault, you know. I – I thought it was, at first. I’m sorry for that as well,” James admitted, casting his eyes down.

“It’s okay, James. Most of the time I think it’s my fault.” Sirius admitted softly.

"Well, looks like we're both wrong then," James said firmly, laughing a little.

They fell asleep on the end of Remus’ bed eventually, despite being incredibly uncomfortable. For the first time in years they slept tangled up together, James’ arms wrapped around Sirius as if he could protect him from everything in the world.

*

Meal times were pretty stressful for the weeks following Sirius’s almost-accident. The first few evenings James dragged Sirius to the Great Hall for dinner and watched him like a hawk throughout the entire meal, eyes narrowed and face tensed, ensuring he polished off everything on his plate. Sirius didn’t protest. He knew he’d gone too far. Nearly falling from his broom like that had shaken him more than he let on. He didn’t want to die. When James complained about his portion size, Sirius added a bread roll without complaint. Something about the vibe emanating from James made him wary. It reminded him a little of his father; he detected not a threat but rather a _tension_ , as if all James’ muscles were coiled like a spring. He knew this wasn’t intentional and James would have been horrified if Sirius had told him how it felt. But he couldn’t. He couldn’t do much more than focus on chewing and swallowing, chewing and swallowing and trying not to panic.

 They ate almost in silence, Lily, Remus and Peter occasionally exchanging mundane comments, as though James wasn’t staring intently at Sirius across the table right beside them.

When Sirius had finished his meal, James visibly relaxed, his whole body losing its tension. He muttered “well done, Pads” with so much sincerity Sirius had to look away in embarrassment. Remus took his hand under the table and gave it a squeeze. Sirius held on tight.

That first night, Remus crept into Sirius’ bed once James and Peter had fallen asleep. Sirius wasn’t even trying to sleep but was lying with his eyes open, gazing out of the window. One hand fiddled with a cigarette, the other with his lighter. His mind was far away, caught somewhere between a brutal memory of his father’s fists and the nagging anxiety of how much he had eaten today and what he would have to eat tomorrow.

“Siri?”

Taken by surprise, Sirius jumped. Remus stood watching him with a curious expression, illuminated by the window. Sirius gave a small smile and moved over to make room beside him. Remus shuffled under the covers, daring to wrap one arm across Sirius as he watched him. After a moment Sirius put his cigarette and lighter on the bedside table and moved down the bed, twisting so they faced each other.

“Are you okay?” asked Remus, taking in the pale, worried face opposite him. Sirius had his eyes closed as if in pain. They were so close he could feel Sirius’ breath dancing across his cheek. At last Sirius whispered “not really” in such a small voice Remus almost didn’t hear him.

Remus squeezed Sirius’ side gently in what he hoped was a reassuring way. He didn’t know what to do. He was worried about doing the wrong thing, even as he hated himself for over-thinking at a time like this.

“Do you want to tell me about it?” he offered softly. Sirius shook his head. He inched further down the mattress until his head was buried in Remus’ chest. It wasn’t until Remus felt the vibrations of Sirius shaking against him that he realised Sirius was crying. Remus drew him tighter, massaging circles on his back and stroking his soft black hair, all worries about doing the right thing gone. He just wanted Sirius to be okay, to feel better and to get better.

After what felt like an age, Sirius found himself unable to cry anymore. He drew back from Remus to take great gulps of air, as though he was resurfacing in a pool of water. Wiping his face on his covers he noticed that Remus’ t-shirt was soaking wet.

“S-sorry,” he laughed up at Remus through a fringe of wet eyelashes. Remus just shook his head and leant down to kiss him, again, at last. Sirius made a smothered noise of surprise as Remus’ soft lips pressed against his, urgent but reassuring. Remus hadn’t forgotten what he’d said to Sirius that drunken night in the bathroom and he hadn’t forgotten Sirius’ reply either.

*

It was getting pretty clear to James that his two best friends were teetering on the edge of something Big. There was an undercurrent between the two of them whenever they were together – which was almost all the time now – which made James sure that a lot of things weren’t being talked about that maybe should be. He noticed the little glances between them, arms or hands brushing as they walked between classes, weighty pauses that gave James the vague impression that it might be best to leave them alone for a bit. James knew Sirius so well, but it was odd at first to see him acting this way, to see proof every day that he felt that intensely about someone. It was a side to Sirius he’d never seen before, and that felt weird.

It frustrated James, to be honest. It frustrated him because he knew from his conversation with Sirius that the two Marauders were being absolutely useless and just dancing around it, rather than openly admitting their feelings for each other.

“It’s obvious to anyone with half a brain that they fancy each other,” James ranted to Lily for the millionth time as the two of them strolled around the castle after another stressful dinner. “Why the hell won’t they just talk about it?”

Lily squeezed his hand. “I know,” she agreed. “But you need to stay out of it. They’ll figure it out in their own time.”

James heaved a dramatic sigh. He did understand Sirius’ reluctance to start anything with Remus when he had his own problems to deal with. But since something was clearly happening anyway, it had to be better for them to be clear with each other about it. Plus, being in a relationship with Remus wasn't likely to make Sirius’ problems any worse. It might even help him.

*

It was Remus’ birthday. Sirius woke up in the bed beside him (after a particularly horrid batch of nightmares), relishing the feel of Remus, _his_ Remus, pressed against him. Slowly Sirius began to run his fingers delicately over Moony’s scarred chest. Remus slept topless sometimes, now that the others had seen his scars, but always wore pyjama bottoms. Sirius slept in his boxers but always a long-sleeved top. He wondered if Remus had noticed this.  _He probably_ _has_ , he realised, _he’s just too tactful to say anything._

Sirius didn’t know what to do about Remus. They had kissed each other quite a few times in the couple of weeks since the party, usually in the middle of the night. And they spent all their time together during the day. Sirius was confident they felt the same way about each other. But what _were_ they? Were they dating? Sirius felt like maybe they were, that they might have just drifted into it. However, he could imagine Remus wanting them to have an official conversation about it at some point. Sirius was nervous about that. The thought of being in an actual relationship with Remus… it both excited and terrified him. He was scared about going further with Remus, scared about Remus seeing his body, seeing his scars or how thin he was, knowing what he did to himself. He didn’t know if he wanted to do anything sexual with Remus, not yet. But he really didn’t want to have that conversation.

Remus was stirring next to him, eyes flickering open as he yawned and stretched. His hair flopped over his face and his nose twitched, which amused Sirius. Gently he moved Remus’ hair out of his eyes. Remus’ scars were particularly emphasised by the morning sunlight. Sirius gazed at them curiously. They were oddly beautiful. Maybe Remus wouldn’t mind seeing his. But Remus’s were mostly a shimmery white, barely noticeable most of the time. Most of Sirius’s own were still angry and red and clearly self-inflicted.

Remus was smiling at him, pulling him from his own mind. “Hey,” he said sleepily.

“Hey yourself,” said Sirius. “Happy birthday!”

There came a groan from beyond the curtain of Remus’ bed where, unbeknown to its occupants, James and Peter had been awake for the last hour decorating the entire room. When Sirius flung back the curtain curiously, the other two Marauders leapt out, covered in silly string and party hats, and positively screamed "HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOONY!!!!!!!!!!!" before launching in to the birthday song. The room around them was covered in red and gold balloons, gaudy decorations and banners.

Remus groaned and covered his face was his pillow, moaning “you guys are ridiculous”. But he was grinning. James berated Sirius for not being available to help them prepare the room, and for wishing Moony a happy birthday before he and Peter could get in there. Sirius just stuck his tongue out and demanded they do presents.

Remus was touched that each of his friends had got him a present – even Lily, who’d sent hers up with James. Peter had got him a box of his favourite chocolates from Honeydukes, Lily had got him a couple of Muggle novels she thought he’d like and James had managed to acquire for him a very rare book about werewolves.

“I had to get my dad to get it for me,” he bragged proudly, “and even he nearly couldn’t manage it. It’s one of the only non-prejudiced books about werewolves and had loads of interesting details about the colonies some of them live in and things they do to help with the full moon.” Remus was so touched he could barely stutter his thanks.

“Here’s mine,” said Sirius, nudging Remus with his nose much like Padfoot would do. He handed him a rectangular shape swathed vaguely in newspaper. It looked as though it had been wrapped by a toddler.

Remus tore the paper off and recognised Sirius’ sketchbook with surprise. “Pads… you can’t give me this,” he said quietly.

“It’s for you, Moony,” Sirius informed him just as quietly. “You’ll see.”

Hesitantly, Remus turned the first page, and stopped. He saw the forbidden forest, but not as he’d ever seen it before. Moonlight danced down and pooled on a small lake in a clearing. A deer stood there, looking as it if was waiting, patiently. It was Prongs.

Scarcely daring to breathe, Remus turned the next few pages. There were different scenes of the forest, some of which – he felt an odd pang as he realised this – he vaguely recognised, as though from a dream. Wormtail and Prongs featured in many. One picture held his attention for longer – it was looking down at the surface of a lake. A black dog glared up from the reflection. _This is what Padfoot has been seeing_ , Remus realised. _I’m seeing through Padfoot’s eyes._

Halfway through the book, he saw himself as a wolf for the first time ever and gave a gasp. Sirius stroked his hair softly, reassuringly. Remus couldn’t tear himself away. He looked so scary, so huge, but also oddly majestic. The final picture in the book was a close up of the wolf, presumably as it loomed close to Padfoot. The wolf didn’t look scary, or angry. It didn't look like a monster. It looked playful.

Remus closed the book and looked into Sirius’ eyes. The expression there took his breath away. Leaning in he kissed Sirius’ lips softly, one hand gentle on the side of his neck. He put everything he wanted to say into that kiss: all his thanks, all his love, all his hopes for them, for the future.

James and Peter watched on in awe.

*


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: vomiting  
> TW: mentions of self harm  
> TW: scars  
> CN: sexy things happen in this ;)
> 
> Sorry for the wait! I'll be updating this sporadically from now on as I'm working on other projects. Really appreciate the kudos and comments, it definitely keeps me motivated :)

Sirius and Remus broke apart eventually, their eyes still fixed on each other even as they drew back. At the same time, both registered that they weren’t alone in the dormitory and that just a couple of meters away sat their two best friends, their two very straight best friends, who had never seen them kiss before. Sirius caught the flicker of panic that crossed Remus’ face as he looked round at them.

James sat, mouth open, staring unashamedly. He’d seen Sirius kissing girls before, but had never ever seen such a tender, gentle kiss as the one he just witnessed. And Remus was a guy! At some point in James’ meandering thoughts he had assumed two guys kissing would be harder and firmer, maybe even aggressive. But this had been soft, so soft. And the way they had looked at each other…

Sirius caught his best friend’s eye and James quickly closed his mouth. He grinned at Sirius, then at Remus. No other reaction was possible after witnessing such a heart-warming demonstration of love.

The first person to speak up was Peter. “Er, guys. Is it just me or am I always the last to know everything?!”

Everyone started laughing at that, including Peter.

“Sorry, Pete,” Remus was the first one to get himself under control. “I completely forgot you didn’t know.” He laced his fingers with Sirius’s on top of the duvet. “We’re pretty new to it ourselves, to be honest.”

Sirius squeezed Remus’s hand in his own. James give Sirius a complex Look that said _are you together then? Like, properly?_ Sirius gave an almost imperceptible shrug.

“So you guys are okay with it?” Sirius felt the need to ask, for reassurance more than anything. “I promise we won’t make out on your beds or anything.” Peter looked scandalised and Sirius laughed.

“I think it’s brilliant,” James announced decisively. “But yeah, no making out in my bed would definitely be appreciated.”

Peter quickly gave his own approval, not wanting to be seen as less accepting than James. He was still a little confused, to be honest, having only ever seen Sirius kissing and dating girls before. He didn’t know anything about gay relationships and had quite a lot of questions about how it all worked… But he realised it was probably best not to mention that right now. Maybe he’d ask James about it in private.

“Lily knows too,” James informed them. “She also thinks it’s great.”

“I _thought_ she might know,” said Sirius. “She kept giving us these smug little looks.”

James laughed. “You owe her quite a lot, mate. She stopped me trying to play matchmaker with you two, said you’d work it out yourselves.” Sirius felt a pang of appreciation for his friends, who were so fine about it that they’d actually been trying to get them together. _Not everyone is like my parents_ , he reminded himself, then found himself wondering just how badly his parents would respond if they were to find out. He pushed it aside quickly. He wasn’t going to let them find out about Remus, not ever.

*

The Marauders adjusted with surprising ease to the fact that two of them were together, probably because nothing really changed. Sirius and Remus slept in the same bed more openly most nights, held hands in the dorm and often kissed, but rarely in front of the others. Since James and Lily were together and Peter, despite romance having fizzled out with Marlene not long after it began, went on dates quite frequently, everyone was too focused on their own love life to pay much attention to anyone else’s.

Peter did ask James about Sirius and Remus casually, one day when it was just the two of them. James was the only person Peter could imagine asking. Despite having a short temper, he could be surprisingly patient. He also trusted his friends absolutely; he would never assume Peter’s questions came from a place of prejudice, as Sirius or Remus might have.

“Sirius used to be such a ladies man,” Peter began, “did he turn gay? Can that happen?” He sounded slightly fearful.

“I dunno,” James responded slowly, “maybe he was always gay and just didn’t realise it till now. But he could be bisexual. That’s where you fancy men _and_ women.” Peter nodded thoughtfully.

“Can I ask you something weird?” he said nervously. James nodded apprehensively, already regretting this conversation. “What do gay guys _do_?”

James resisted the urge to grimace. He did not put much thought into what gay guys do – he had a few ideas, but it sounded so painful he couldn’t bring himself to think about it. Obviously Sirius and Remus weren’t doing _that_. He had interrogated Sirius about how far he’d gone with Moony, just as he would interrogate any of his mates if they were getting with a girl. He knew for a fact they’d not gone further than kissing yet.

“I guess they’d just do… what guys do to themselves… but to each other?” James responded, really not wanting to be some kind of spokesperson for relationships he knew nothing about. He also had no desire whatsoever to think about his two best mates doing anything sexual. James had no problem with gay relationships – frankly, he believed people could do whatever the fuck they liked, as long as it didn’t affect him - but he didn’t know anything about them, if there was anything that made them different. He’d made sure to be as open and curious with Sirius about his new relationship as he would if Sirius was dating a girl. That seemed like a good way to remind his best mate that he didn’t mind it. That was the one major difference - the two of them would probably have to face a lot of prejudice if they ever told other people. Sirius had let slip in a private heart-to-heart with James that his parents would take it particularly badly if they ever found out.

James resolved, squaring his shoulders unconsciously, that if anyone messed with his best mates over this, they would have him to answer to.

*

Sirius’s love life was providing him with a welcome distraction from the usual unpleasant problem in his life: eating. As with the rest of his _stuff_ – the nightmares, the flashbacks, the times where he found it harder than usual to speak or even get out of bed – there were good days and bad days. On the good days he managed to eat enough at mealtimes that everyone looked relieved. They had fun on those days, messing around at the table, planning pranks, just like old times. The distractions helped Sirius quell the familiar anxiety, though it was always present.

Remus had noticed that Sirius often seemed anxious immediately after eating (although he didn’t know the real reason, that Sirius was fighting the urge to run to the nearest toilet and undo all the _damage_ ) and started suggesting they go on walks together after dinner. It was the start of December and the grounds were freezing but Sirius liked the cold – it kept him anchored into his body, safe from getting lost in his thoughts. And it was nice to have time alone with Remus that wasn’t just in the dorm at night. No one else was around, so they could hold hands in the dark as they walked, talking about nothing, or everything.

Some days were harder than others. Some days Sirius’s anxious brain simply refused to let him eat and distractions didn’t always help. He couldn’t block out the internal commentary about how greedy it would be to eat so much, how it would make him feel sluggish and slow and full and uncomfortable. These were the days he sat hunched over the dinner table, biting his cuticles as he eyed the plate James had carefully filled with food. Remus would gently rub circles on his knee under the table, which helped calm him a little. James would urge him in a low voice to eat, reminding him they had Quidditch practice tomorrow and if Sirius wanted to go running, he needed to eat to keep his strength up for that. Remus softly reminded him how scared he’d been when Sirius had passed out, how much he didn’t want Sirius to get ill again.

Finally, Sirius would begin, in silence, cutting his food into tiny pieces and chewing each piece exactly fifteen times. He never managed it all, but by the time he stopped James would be smiling at him encouragingly. Remus would hold his hand under the table and squeeze and Lily looked pleased across the table. Sirius felt nauseous and embarrassed. It was hard to let his friends help, to let them be involved in something so _private_ , but he was trying.

Sometimes, Sirius felt like it would be okay. He’d go walking with Remus after and allow the distraction of quick kisses in the icy air to push his anxiety away.

Other days, it was all just too much. He made excuses not to walk with Remus after dinner and retired to his bed. Remus let him go, not wanting to push him too far. These were the days Sirius found himself staring down into the toilet bowl as he gagged on his fingers again and again. After, he’d crawl into his bed in the dorm and hole up there for the night, trying to study or draw or sometimes just sleeping. These were the bad days.

The worst days of all though were when Sirius was angry. He didn’t want to eat a thing so he flat-out refused to, didn’t even turn up at meal times, snapping at James furiously if he tried to push. It took every ounce of patience James possessed not to snap back, but sometimes he couldn’t help it. They had blazing rows in the dormitory – Lily and Remus never let them go at it in the Gryffindor common room – which always resulted in one or the other storming out. They made up the next day through the mysterious, almost-telepathic connection they had. One minute they’d be glowering at each other, the next, Sirius’s face would twist expressively in various ways and they’d be laughing together again. It was always a relief to Lily and Remus when they made up. Remus had the vague suspicion that what they’d seen of Sirius’s self-destruction was only the tip of the iceberg. He prayed him and James never fell out properly, or god knows how bad it might get.

*

James finally decided to write to his parents for advice about Sirius. He’d been putting it off, not wanting to embarrass his best friend if he ever found out James had told his parents, who had met Sirius quite a few times over the years and heard even more about him from James. But he needed confirmation that he was doing the right thing. Most, well,  __some of the time Sirius was coming to meals and eating. But James didn’t doubt that if he wasn’t there watching over him, Sirius wouldn’t eat a thing. James was starting to feel the stress of the situation, the amount of pressure that was on him personally. Lily had pointed it out to him after he’d spent a few sleepless nights awake and worrying. It had been her who had suggested he write to his parents after he opened up and confessed to her how stressed he was about it all.

It was a good suggestion. James wanted more than anything to _understand_. His mum was a Healer, so it was likely she might know something about eating disorders. And he hoped that letting an adult know might take the weight off his shoulders a little bit, even if there was nothing that they could do about it from so far away.

_Hi Mum and Dad!_

_School’s great, thanks. Working hard etc. Things are going really great with Lily, I’m going to ask her to our new years party so that you can both meet her!_

_There’s something going on that’s worrying me a bit though. It’s kind of hard to explain but its to do with Sirius. He’s being really weird about food and eating (has been for most of the term I think) and he’s been in the hospital wing a few times because he passed out. We’ve all been helping him, trying to get him to eat and stuff, but Lily suggested he has an eating disorder?_

_I don’t really know what to do and I was wondering what you think, Mum. He seems to be doing better since we’ve been making him eat regularly, but sometimes he barely eats and sometimes he just gets so mad at us all, I can’t tell if we’re really helping. Anyway, I wondered if you have any advice._

_Also, Quidditch has been going well and my marks are pretty good. McGonagall said she thinks I’m on track to become an Auror (I know its ages away but its exciting to think about). Hope you’re both fine, looking forward to seeing you over New Year._

_James_

_PS.Very exciting news – Sirius and Remus are dating now! It’s a secret so I’m not supposed to tell you but I know you won't judge them or think it's weird (I think that's what they were worried about).  
_

Before he could doubt himself anymore, James had sealed the envelope, tied it to his owl and released her from the Astronomy tower into the cold winter air.

*

Remus wanted to take Sirius on some kind of date, but didn’t know how he could even begin to measure up to the incredible evening they’d had in the Room of Requirement. Sirius had thought of everything: the setting, the music, the alcohol… it had all been perfect. Remus didn’t want to just copy Sirius’s ideas for their second date. It had to be something completely different.

The idea came to him when he stopped off in the Prefects bathroom whilst on patrol one evening. The bathroom was extremely luxurious and only open to Prefects. There was one enormous bath spanning the entire room, almost the size of a swimming pool, bordered by rows and rows of gilded taps and with several exquisite golden fountains in the centre.

Sirius had spent some of their late-night conversations reminiscing about how he used to swim in the sea with Regulus during their family holidays as a child, despite his parents’ disapproval. Remus had decided he wanted to take him swimming and the Prefects bath was actually more than adequate. None of the other Marauders had seen it either, so it would be a surprise. He hoped they’d be able to have fun, relax and unwind and just forget the rest of the world for a bit.

That weekend, James was spending the evening with Lily and Peter was busy, so Remus arranged to meet Sirius after dinner. Remus had a free period during the afternoon and snuck into the Prefects bathroom to make sure everything was set up. Sirius knew Remus had planned something but had no idea what. He was too distracted to give it much thought, thanks to the constant lingering stresses of food and anxiety.

Remus couldn’t help but be excited. It was all this; the little romantic things. Surprising Sirius, taking him on an actual date (even if it was essentially just to an extravagant bathtub). Remus loved it all. He knew couldn’t admit it to Sirius, let alone to anyone else, in case they realised how soppy and romantic he was. But it was okay, because he could show Sirius his feelings without actually telling him. Like Sirius had on his birthday, by giving him his sketchbook. There were no words for how much that had meant to Remus. The only time he’d been so moved had been when he discovered the other Marauders had become animagi for him. It was the complete acceptance of him as a werewolf that meant more than anything, that had made him so touched on both occasions.

Leading Sirius to the third floor that evening, Remus considered blindfolding him to increase the surprise, but decided that was definitely a bit much. He laughed out loud when he thought it and Sirius looked at him questioningly but Remus just grinned and shook his head. Sirius let Remus take his hand as they reached the third floor. Nerves fluttered in Sirius’s stomach, but it was not an unpleasant sensation. He was very surprised when they reached the Prefects bathroom. Remus had mentioned before that it was a really nice bathroom, but Sirius was confused about what they were doing there tonight. Did Remus want them to have a bath together? Oh god. That meant he’d see Sirius, see his body… Sirius felt his hands growing clammy at the thought.

“Okay?” Remus smiled at Sirius as he went to open the door. Sirius nodded, trying to mask his nervousness. Remus pushed the door open and they stepped inside. The bathroom was glorious, with huge ceilings and the enormous gilded tub spanning the entire room as far as the eye could see. Remus had arranged candles around the edge, balanced on the intricately decorated tiles, which illuminated the surface of the bath with a rich golden colour. Faint golden smoke hung hazily below the dark cavern of the high ceiling, forming a wispy canopy. Sirius couldn’t help but smile. It looked more like a magical pool than a bath and it felt like stepping back in time, a bath the Romans might have bathed in.  

He moved forward, fully intending to hurl off his clothes gloriously and plunge in. Before he could do so, he registered that he still faced the problem of Remus seeing his body. The thought was enough to stop him.

“Do we just wear our robes?” he asked Remus hopefully.

“Um…” Remus looked confused. “Well I guess we could, but they’d probably get in the way.” Embarrassed, Remus produced two pairs of Muggle-looking knee length swimming trunks. He hadn’t quite had the confidence to suggest they just go in naked.

“Sorry, these are the only ones I could get hold of, I hope you don’t mind?” Remus was starting to realise that Sirius might have reasons for minding; in the Room of Requirement, he’d seen the harsh red scars on Sirius’s back and Sirius had freaked out. He might be self-conscious. _Fuck_ , maybe this hadn’t been such a good idea.

But it was too late now. Sirius took one of the pairs from Remus and turned away, shrugging out of his robes and trousers. He pulled on the trunks, which were far too loose, and cast a quick altering spell so that they fitted. He’d had the brainwave of transfiguring his long-sleeved black top so that it was waterproof. Remus might think he was weird for not wanting to be topless, but it couldn’t be helped.

Remus turned back around, wearing just the trunks. Sirius ran his eyes over Remus’s sculpted chest, carved all over with silver-white scars, down to his abs and stomach. Sirius flushed, embarrassed. Remus stepped closer. Acting on instinct, and the hot rush of heat down his body, Sirius pulled him in for a kiss. There was a lot of tongue and it left them both breathless.

“Like what you see?” Remus’s voice had a slight growl in Sirius’s ear. Sirius let out a strange breath and admitted “you know I do.”

“I want to see you,” Remus replied, but it was more of a question than a command. Sirius shook his head quickly.

“Okay.” Remus didn’t sound put off at all, in fact he sounded gentle and understanding, but it was enough to bring back Sirius’s fluttering nerves. He grabbed Remus’s hand and pulled him towards the water.

Any anxiety Sirius felt quickly dissipated. He swam lengths, falling into a rhythm easily. He remembered why he used to enjoy swimming, the amazing way it emptied his mind of thoughts and worries. He could lose himself in the underwater world, nothing but him and his breath and his body. And Remus. They raced each other across the pool, but Sirius always won. It reminded Sirius of the swimming races he used to have with Regulus. At one point, Remus splashed Sirius, grinning, and Sirius retaliated. They had a huge water fight, Sirius surprised to see Remus so relaxed, letting go. But neither really felt like themselves anymore. It was as if all their defences were down, washed away. Sirius felt purged by the water, all his major worries forgotten – and his everyday, mundane ones too. This was what it was like to be a kid.

*

Time passed quickly in the bathroom – by the time Sirius and Remus realised they were both shivering, their hands had wrinkled like prunes.

“This is what we’ll look like when we’re old, Rem,” Sirius announced, examining his hand with wonder. Remus watched him, taking in Sirius as a whole as if he’d never seen him before. That was the pleasure of losing yourself, he thought – you get to rediscover the world as you come back to it. Sirius was shivering quite violently now, but still grinning in a loose, relaxed way Remus hadn’t seen often, or at least not recently. His black hair was getting long; it hung in wet ringlets down his back. The black top Sirius had never taken off was soaked, skin-tight, emphasising his toned (though worryingly slender) torso, his slim waist, down to where his wet swimming trunks hung off his hips… Sirius looked obscene like this, slick with water, his clothes clinging to him, and Remus felt the colour rising to his cheeks. Sirius looked at him then, his eyes fluttering to Remus’s and his tongue running out across his still-wet lips

They were kissing then, with all the passion of months of waiting and tension and building. They kissed like a collision of forces, all childishness long forgotten.

One thing led to another. The hard, tiled floor of the bathroom wasn’t ideal, but neither cared. At one point they found themselves back in the shallower end of the bath, half submerged, still kissing, entwined almost aggressively. Remus, who was better at wandless magic, cast a couple of spells, making them both slick, making their clothes disappear. Sirius took them both in his hands under the water and found a rhythm which moved their bodies in time to each other. Remus twisted and played with Sirius’s wet hair, pulling it every time he wanted to cry out. Remus came first, head thrown back as Sirius kissed and sucked at his throat. Then Remus touched Sirius until he came as well, whimpering into Remus’s mouth. They held each other close, shuddering in the aftermath. Both were so wet Sirius didn’t realise he was crying at first.

“Siri? Are you alright?” Remus asked him softly.

Sirius laughed, letting the tears run down into the water. “More than alright.”

*

They got changed and returned to the dorm, wandering the corridors in a daze. It was far later than they’d imagined, but James was still awake, rolling over in his bed when they re-entered the dorm hand-in-hand. “There you are!”

“Aw, were you waiting up for us Jamie?” teased Sirius.

“Actually, I just got back myself,” James announced, a little too proudly. Sirius moved a little closer. James looked slightly awestruck.

“Did you and Lily…” Sirius waggled his eyebrows expressively. James chucked a pillow at his head.

“ _No_. Anyway, a gentleman would never kiss-and-tell,” James declared. Remus and Sirius caught each other’s eye. They didn’t need to wait more than a few seconds before James burst out, “well actually we did some _stuff_ , oh my god, it was insane Pads, you can’t imagine -”

Trying to conceal his laughter, Remus stepped over to his bed. “Mmm, well, on that note, I think I’ll be going to bed. Night, guys.”

“I’ll join you,” Sirius protested quickly, “Prongs, let’s talk about this tomorrow… maybe.”

Sirius shut the curtains of Remus’s bed on a slightly disgruntled James. He didn’t need to worry though, as a few minutes later came a hearty snore. Sirius and Remus giggled at this as they pulled off their robes by the light of Remus’s wand. Remus wore just boxers, Sirius wore boxers and that damned long-sleeved top, now dried. Remus plucked at it with his fingers.

“You know I don’t mind that you have those scars on your back?” He mentioned, tentatively.

Sirius froze, then slowly relaxed. “Yeah… I know. I just hate them. I don’t want to be reminded of them, you know. I prefer just to wear this.” It was as good an explanation as any.

Remus sighed. “Okay, well, whatever makes you comfy. As long as its not for my sake. I think you’re beautiful.” They lay for a few minutes in silence. Remus remembered their brilliant evening, playing with Sirius’s hair in a much gentler way than he had done earlier. Sirius wondered if Remus would still think he was beautiful if he saw Sirius’s ghostly ribs, his concave stomach, his scarred arms.

“I had an amazing night,” Remus said happily, still stroking Sirius’s hair.

Sirius sighed contentedly, letting the worries float away in favour of reliving the night.

“Me too, Rem. Thank you.”

“That was our second date,” said Remus thoughtfully.

“Uh-huh,” Sirius wriggled in to kiss Remus’s neck.

“I guess we’re properly dating now… I mean, if you like?” Remus mumbled, a little shyly.

“I like that very much,” Sirius turned Remus’s head gently to find his lips and give his assent.

*


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: vomiting  
> TW: blood

It was a Monday morning, just two weeks from the end of term and Sirius was nervous.

He had two reasons to be nervous. He had to visit Madame Pomfrey that lunch time for the follow-up appointment she’d forced him to make after their last encounter. He thought he had probably put on weight – as she’d instructed - since he’d last seen her, as he’d been letting his friends help him to eat most days. But this in itself was something that made him nervous. He didn’t want to have put on weight. Just the thought of it was enough to make him feel sick.

The second reason for his nervousness was the approach of Christmas. James had proposed an elaborate plan that all the Marauders stay at Hogwarts until the 24th December, because the full moon was the night of the 23rd. Then they’d return home to their respective families for Christmas Day and the days after, before all meeting up again at the Potter’s annual New Year’s Eve party. James had suggested that Sirius come back home with him on the 24th, but Sirius had shook his head sadly.

“They won’t let me, Prongs. Your family are ‘blood traitors’, remember?” Sirius pulled his face into a grimace.

James looked distressed. “I don’t want you to have to go back there!”

Remus was sat on his bed nearby, listening while pretending to read a textbook. He didn’t want Sirius to have to go back either, especially now he knew the extent of the Blacks’ cruelty. Remus thought desperately for a way to stop Sirius going back.

“Why don’t you and I stay at Hogwarts, Pads?” he proposed. “My parents will understand, they know I hate travelling when I’m recovering from the moon. And we can floo out from Hogwarts to James’s for New Years Eve – I bet McGonagall will give us permission.” He tried to sound casual, not wanting to make Sirius feel like Remus was changing his plans for him, not wanting him to feel like a bother.

Sirius glanced up, hopeful for a moment, before a shadow darkened his eyes. Remus’s plan sounded amazing, but he couldn’t imagine his parents allowing him to escape punishment by staying at Hogwarts. They’d summon him back, he knew it.

 Just the thought of it made him shake. His dad would definitely use the belt. Maybe they’d lock him in the cellar - that was pretty likely. It would be fucking freezing down there in December. At least he could probably eat as little as he liked; even if they picked up on it, they’d be glad he was starving himself. Sirius let out a bitter chuckle at this and Remus looked questioningly at him. Sirius just shook his head. How could he explain the questions in his head, which he could only answer with a bitter twisted laugh? Why did he have such terrible parents? Why the fuck couldn’t he just have a decent Christmas for once, like his friends?

Nevertheless, he followed Remus to the Entrance Hall that Monday morning to sign his name on the sheet of students who would be staying over Christmas. They were the only two Gryffindors, so far. Sirius couldn’t help but grin at the idea of being able to lounge around the whole tower, just him and Remus.

“I’d better go speak to McGonagall about New Years Eve,” Remus said quietly to Sirius. “You’d better go have breakfast.” Remus wanted to kiss Sirius but thought better of it, even though the entrance hall was deserted. Subtly, he gave Sirius’s hand a squeeze instead. Then he nodded Sirius towards the Great Hall, before disappearing.

Sirius waited a beat, then headed to the main door of Hogwarts for a cigarette instead. He felt a vague sense of sickness and dread at the idea that their Christmas plans might not work out. Not when he was such a disappointment, not when his grades still weren’t perfect. His mum had sent that letter – he was going to be punished. He didn’t think he could bring himself to eat anything.

Sirius had just settled himself in his favourite crook of the outer castle wall to the left of the main door, where he was invisible from every direction with a view of glorious grey mountains stretching ahead out beyond the grounds of Hogwarts. He’d only taken a drag when his brother appeared from nowhere with a formal “Sirius.”

Startled, Sirius almost choked on a mouthful of smoke. He almost dropped the cigarette on instinct before realising that there was no point now - his brother had seen.

“What the fuck do you want, Reg,” he hissed, his eyes watering. He held his cigarette in front of him, defiantly.

“Smoking, now? Mother and father _will_ be disappointed,” said Regulus, looking disgusted.

Sirius gave him the finger. “Is that all you came out here to say to me?” he inquired. Regulus sighed a long-suffering sigh, as if to express the pain of having to deal with such a disastrous sibling.

“I was merely wondering why you signed your name on that list when you know perfectly well Mother _won’t_ allow you to stay here over Christmas,” Regulus pointed out. His tone – though still formal and sarcastic, as it was whenever Sirius spoke to him at school - held the slightest trace of worry. “Especially if it is just you and _that boy_.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Sirius demanded, icy paranoia creeping through his veins.

“Don’t you think I’ve noticed, brother? The way the two of you look at each other. I’ve seen the way he touches you. Even holding your hand, just now! _I saw you._ It’s disgusting,” Regulus looked repulsed now and spoke with vehemence, as if encountering something incredibly distasteful.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Sirius said coldly but the hand holding the cigarette was shaking now. Regulus shook his head.

“You’ve gone too far, Sirius. I can’t believe I was ever _worried_ for you. Now I see that it’s all your fault, you push everything too far, you _debase_ yourself continually. You need their punishments, it’s the only way to help you. Maybe they don’t go far enough, since it seems to have had no effect.” Regulus spoke with complete sincerity.

“What the fuck,” Sirius pushed off from the wall and advanced menacingly towards his brother, backing him towards the main door of the castle. “You think the _cruciatus curse_ isn’t far enough? I’d like to see you fucking come downstairs and take it when father gets home angry and pissed. But it doesn’t happen to you, does it? Because I make bloody sure they do it to me instead of you.” He was so furious he could barely see straight.

For a moment Regulus’s eyes flickered in shock, before conviction returned.

“You’re lying. They wouldn’t do that to you. It’s just the cane, and that’s nothing. You’re pathetic.”

Sirius saw nothing but sneering disapproval in Regulus’s eyes and flew at him. Taking his brother by surprise, Sirius managed to get in a few blows before Regulus pulled out his wand and blasted Sirius back against the stone steps where he hit his head, hard. The world spinned and Sirius groaned, fell back, dizzy.

“Get the fuck away from him!” came a voice, followed by “Padfoot!” Remus, James and Peter rushed into the entrance hall. Remus bent down to check Sirius, while James and Peter trained their wands on Regulus, who raised his hands mockingly.

“It’s alright, I’m going. See you at Christmas, brother dear.” Regulus smirked down at Sirius again before turning and walking away.

“What the fuck was that about?” James wondered aloud.

“Prongs!” Remus lifted his hand away from the back of Sirius’s head to find his palm bloody. Sirius groaned, trying to sit up.

“Shit. Right, hospital wing it is.”

*

“Much as I’m thrilled you were so keen to see me again, our meeting was not until lunchtime Mr Black,” said Madame Pomfrey as the four Marauders entered the hospital wing. Remus had cast a spell to stop Sirius’s head bleeding, but he still had a nasty gash beneath his hair.

“I fell,” he muttered sulkily, taking a reluctant seat on the bed nearest to Pomfrey. She examined the back of his head briskly.

“Oh for Merlin’s sake, I wish you boys would be more careful! Now, off to class with the rest of you. Mr Black, I will fix that cut and then I suppose we might as well get your other appointment out of the way.” James mouthed _what appointment?_ to Remus, who shrugged.

Sirius groaned but didn’t complain as his friends trooped out. Madame Pomfrey cast a spell on his cut, knitting the skin together and applied an ointment to stop the scarring.

“All done. Leave that on for an hour, then you can wash it off and there shouldn’t be a scar. Now, on the scale if you please Mr Black.”

Sirius stepped onto the scale apprehensively. The nurse gave nothing away this time as she read how much he weighed. She also took his blood again and ran some diagnostic spells over him.

“Good, Sirius. I can see you’ve listened to my advice last time and your weight is returning to a healthier range. Generally, your bloodwork is fine but your electrolytes are a little out of balance again, which is curious.”

Madame Pomfrey considered, head on one side, before deciding her suspicions were unfounded. Sirius lay back on the bed feeling panicked and queasy, trying his hardest not to show his emotions on his face as the horrible little voice which sometimes spoke to him – sometimes it was his own voice, sometimes the voice of his father – berated him. _Worthless. Lazy. Fat. Weak. Pathetic._

Sirius was given another potion but not made to stay in the hospital wing this time; instead he was sent to class with another parting lecture about nutrition. He did not go to class. Instead, his feet carried him back to the dormitory where he made himself horribly sick. As he’d skipped breakfast, all that came up was the potion.

He couldn’t believe he’d put on weight. He yanked off his clothes and stood naked before the bathroom mirror. He looked disgusting. How could he be so gross, when in theory he should be slim and toned from Quidditch? How was it that he looked both too skinny and too fat? He poked his stomach, his arms, his thighs.

Sirius raised his eyes slowly to his face and met his own gaze. He looked tired and sad. He felt a long way from the heartthrob, the Ladies Man, the hottest boy in the school (as he had heard himself referred to on several occasions).

It wasn’t good enough. He had lost control. He needed to come up with a plan. He needed to get the old Sirius back.

_*_

Sirius found himself resenting his friends greatly over the dinner table that evening. _How dare James think he can tell me what to eat_? he thought angrily. But on the outside, he kept calm. It took a great effort of will.

The first part of the plan was, he needed to take back control from James.

“Let me,” he said when James moved to put a portion of chicken onto Sirius’s plate. James handed over the spoon in surprise. Sirius placed small portions of food on his plate slowly, ignoring the others watching him. He put as many vegetables and as little of anything else as he could get away with, subtly spreading it around so that it looked like more. Then he began to talk enthusiastically about the prank, all while chopping his food up as small as possible, moving it around, but actually eating very little. He dropped some onto the floor with a slip of his wrist when the others were looking away.  

No one noticed. Sirius was in a good mood, so they all relaxed. After dinner (of which Sirius had consumed about half, he estimated) Remus suggested studying together. The weather had turned horrible, rainy and dark, preventing their usual after-dinner walk. Sirius agreed.

“In the dorm?” Remus asked. The dormitory meant they could kiss and hold hands and lie around together whenever they got bored of work.

“Nah, there’s some books I need in the library,” Sirius said quickly.

“ _Boring_ ,” whined James. “Moony, you’re corrupting my best mate! Padfoot’s turning into a bookworm and I don’t like it. Me and Pete will see you later.” Remus rolled his eyes in response.

Remus and Sirius made their way to the library. Sirius found himself tuning out what Remus was saying, despite it being about what they could do together over Christmas. His own voice was back in his head. _It’s still too much._ He could feel the food sitting in his stomach, tainting him. He wished he could go for a run, try and burn some of it off, but the weather outside was too bad. _Get rid of it._

“I’ll see you in there, just got to use the loo,” Sirius interrupted Remus as they passed the toilets.

“Okay,” said Remus, blinking a little at the interruption.

Checking the bathroom was empty, Sirius slipped into a stall and bent over the toilet. He had got a little better at this by now. He gagged once, twice, three times and it happened.

Afterwards, he had to lean against the cubicle door for a moment, re-adjusting himself to the dizzy, swirling world. Then he moved to the sink, splashed water on his face, took in his reflection. He looked terrible, pasty and sweaty, his eyes red. He felt disgusting too.

This was only the beginning. It was going to be hard to keep this from his friends. But he had to.

Sirius cast a mouth freshening charm and then a glamour charm over his face. He watched his skin smooth and brighten, his eyes clear. Then he left the bathroom and continued to the library.

*

James skived his first lesson the next day in order to sit in the dormitory and read the letter which had arrived from his parents during breakfast. He knew he should definitely go to Charms – it wasn’t his best subject – but the neat white envelope which had arrived on his table at breakfast had seemed far too important to ignore.

He scanned the contents again. His mum expressed concern about Sirius and offered again for him to join them over Christmas. She provided an official medical list of eating disorder signs and symptoms, which James couldn’t help but match up with Sirius’s own behaviour. He definitely ticked quite a lot of the boxes. James’s mother had also admitted that there weren’t really any clear reasons why a person would develop one, but there were several theories. Genetics might play a part, and personality traits. If someone was prone to perfectionism, high pressure, low self-esteem, or came from an unstable or abusive home life they might be more likely to develop one.

His mother had also reassured him that he was doing a wonderful job if he was helping Sirius, but if he thought he did have an eating disorder he should really let a teacher or someone else know, especially if it looked like it was getting bad. James pondered. He thought maybe Sirius’s eating wasn’t particularly bad at the moment. He didn’t look as skinny and ill as he had done, he seemed to be trying at meals, even taking more responsibility in actually deciding to eat.

James felt a bit embarrassed. Maybe he had just overreacted.

As James shoved the letter away deep in his trunk the door opened and Sirius came in. He looked flustered when he saw James.

“Er, hey,” he said a little awkwardly. James grinned at him.

“Skiving off too are we, Pads?”

Sirius pulled a face then spoke enthusiastically, “I didn’t realise you were here too! How about we go on an adventure? We could sneak to Hogsmeade under your cloak!”

“Yeah, fuck it, why not,” agreed James, grabbing his invisibility cloak and moving towards the door.

“I’ve just gotta use the bathroom, I’ll meet you down there, mate,” said Sirius quickly. James rolled his eyes and headed down the dormitory stairs, calling over his shoulder, “always the last to be ready, Padfoot, you’re so vain, I swear!”

It was odd, he thought as he waited for Sirius by the fire, how none of those potential causes his mum had listed in the letter seemed to apply to Sirius. _Low self-esteem_?? Padfoot!? The thought was laughable. Then he remembered _unstable and abusive home life._ He suspected that did apply to Sirius, though he’d never worked out to what extent. He bit his lip. Was that why Sirius had stopped eating, because of his shit family?

He was gutted that Sirius had refused to come back with home with him over Christmas, but at least he was going to stay here with Moony. He wouldn’t have to face his parents. It would be okay.

Sirius appeared, looking a little red and sweaty, and James cheered up instantly. He wanted to sneak into Zonko’s, the joke shop, for some supplies for their next prank. They set off under James’s cloak to Hogsmeade, talking loudly, having to remind each other to whisper every few yards.

*

Unfortunately, it turned out that Regulus was correct. A haughty eagle owl swooped down to the Gryffindor breakfast table later that week, dropping a letter rudely into the remains of the breakfast Sirius had finished pretending to consume. Sirius flinched when the letter fell in front of him. Before anyone else could get a look at the Black family crest leering up from the parchment, Sirius had whipped the letter towards him and ripped it open. Across the table, James craned his neck to see but was easily distracted by the Black family owl stealing his sausages.

“Oi! I was eating that!” James addressed the owl, insulted. The owl defiantly swallowed, maintaining beady eye contact with him. Peter watched in amusement, quickly scarfing down his own sausages.

“Who’s the letter from?” Remus asked Sirius quietly, ignoring the others. Sirius was just staring straight at the parchment, not seeming to read it. His expression was utterly blank. Suddenly he stirred, slamming the letter onto the table and knocking his fist straight down onto his glass of water which smashed in the process.

“My _fucking_ parents,” Sirius spat, venomously. “They want me to come home for Christmas.”

He gave the letter one more vicious thump for good measure, cutting his hand on the broken glass. Before Remus could react to the quick, sharp scent of blood, Sirius was gone, letter left strewn among the broken glass.

Remus and James caught each other’s eyes. They seemed to have become much better at telepathic communication recently, but only a particular kind which concerned Sirius.

 _Shall I go?_ James asked. _Let’s both go. This might be bad,_ Remus replied and they wordlessly left the table. Peter scrambled to his feet, not wanting to be left behind. Remus grabbed the letter, not wanting anyone else to find it and they headed out of the great hall.

_Sirius,_

_You are required to return home this coming holiday. This is an order: do not think you can evade us by staying at school. Your father will be having words with you about your grades and the filthy company you are keeping. As you will soon be aware, traitorous actions will have severe consequences._

_Walburga Black_

The letter was cold, dictatorial and threatening. James read it to Remus in a hushed whisper as they walked swiftly back towards Gryffindor tower. Peter made excuses and turned off before they got there, too scared of encountering a potentially angry Sirius. James shook his head in exasperation, but couldn’t bring himself to blame Peter.

They found Sirius in the dormitory bathroom. Well, the door was locked, but they could tell that Sirius was on the other side of it, crashing around. Remus could still smell blood.

“Sirius? Please let us in. Your hand’s bleeding, let me fix it.”

Remus waited a moment. There was suddenly a very loud smash and a sharp “Fuck!”

“Oh Jesus Christ,” James rattled the doorknob. “Padfoot! Open this door now!”

“Fuck off, both of you,” came Sirius’s voice, but he sounded oddly breathless. Was he crying? Remus went straight to work unlocking the door. It took a minute to undo Sirius’s hasty locking spell.

The sight that greeted them was enough to make James’s head spin. Sirius leant haphazardly against the sink, clutching a hand which was pouring with blood. Red streaks spattered the wall and floor. The bathroom mirror lay in splinters around him, refracting light back onto the ceiling in crazy kaleidoscopes.

“Shit, Pads,” Remus breathed, moving towards him. Sirius was pale, breathing deeply, his eyes wavering. Remus gently guided him down to the only patch of floor he could find which was free of shards of mirror.

“Should I get Pomfrey?” James asked Remus, deferring to his judgement without even thinking about it.

“ _No,_ ” shouted Sirius. He started to laugh a little manically, wincing through the pain. “She’s going to think I’m fucking mental if I go in again. Do you?! Do you think I’m fucking mental!?” He was looking at Remus desperately, demanding an answer, but it was James who spoke.

“No one thinks you’re mental, Pads. Your mum’s the mental one. That letter would piss anyone off!”

Sirius felt surprised by this response. Maybe it wasn't mental to hurt yourself when you were angry. Maybe James understood.

Remus cast a spell to stop the bleeding, before examining Sirius’s hand, biting his lip.

“There might be glass in it Pads, I don’t really know what to do,” he looked at Sirius imploringly but Sirius was adamant.

“No hospital wing, Rem,” he said firmly.

“Lily’s done a first aid course,” suggested James suddenly. “Maybe she can help.” Sirius looked reluctant but the pain in his hand made up his mind. It wasn't like the pain of the precise, delicate cuts he carved on his skin. He wasn't in control of this; his hand felt like it was on fire.

“Fine. Go get her.”

*

Lily was shocked at the state of the bathroom and the state of Sirius when she arrived on the scene clutching the first aid kit her parents had made her pack in her trunk at the start of the term. They’d been proud of her when she'd completed her first aid course over the summer (a course she’d loved as it had combined Muggle _and_ wizarding methods). She’d not really imagined actually having to use it, let alone imagined this situation. All James had said in whilst begging her to come was that Sirius had gotten angry, punched a mirror and now had glass in his hand. She hadn’t imagined the bathroom to look like a bomb had gone off.

Sirius looked shell-shocked, actually, though Remus was talking to him, trying to keep him present and communicative. Remus explained worriedly that he had to keep renewing the blood-stopping spell, which concerned Lily at first, before she tried a different spell which seemed to have more effect. Opening her first aid kit she extracted a pair of tweezers and slowly began to remove the glass from Sirius’s hand, ignoring his wincing. Remus kept talking to him, distracting him. He sat slightly behind Sirius, who was between his legs, helping keep him propped upright.

Lily was impressed by how little noise Sirius made; he must have been in pain.

When it was over, she bandaged his hand and gave him some cream to apply and fresh bandages for later. As she stood to leave Sirius grabbed her hand with his own non-bandaged one.

“Thank you,” he said sincerely.

Lily felt oddly shy. “It was nothing.”

“Nah, it wasn’t,” said Sirius. “Thanks. I mean it.”

Lily smiled a little in embarrassment. Remus grinned gratefully at her, visibly relieved.

She left the room, followed by James. Behind them, they could hear Sirius and Remus speaking in soft voices with the particular tone they had when talking just to the other.

“I just can’t believe you knew how to do all that stuff,” James burst out as he walked her down the stairs. He was bowled over by discovering yet another talent of Lily’s. Just when he thought she couldn’t get any more amazing.

“I’d love to be a Healer, maybe,” Lily confessed as they stood on the bottom step. She’d not told anyone this; not even her closest friends. She didn't kow why she was telling James now. But it was nice, to confide in someone. Someone who was so confident in her talent.

“I can imagine that,” James smiled softly. “I think you’d be amazing.”

Lily felt herself blush and cursed (not for the first time) her hair colour and pale skin, which made her embarrassment so much more obvious. But she was glad James thought that about her. It felt wonderful, to be loved.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: mention of self-harm

“Are you feeling any better?” Remus asked Sirius ten minutes later. They had relocated to Remus’s bed and were lying down on their sides, Remus plaiting Sirius’s hair. Sirius gave a contented hum.

“Yeah, I feel calmer,” he said quietly, eyes still closed. There was a moment of pause and then, “feel a bit embarrassed you all had to see that.”

Remus scoffed. “You’ve all seen me a lot worse, Pads. It’s okay. I don’t blame you for getting angry. Though I do wish you hadn’t hurt yourself in the process.” Sirius replied with a vague “mmm”.

Remus continued plaiting but his brows were knit, thoughtful.

“You didn’t do it… on purpose, did you?”

“Yeah, I mean, I smashed the mirror on purpose. I was angry.”

“Did you mean to hurt your hand like that? Did you… hurt yourself deliberately?” Remus clarified, his hands stilled as he waited for the answer to a question he wished he didn’t have to ask. Sirius didn’t answer for a long moment.

“I was angry,” he finally repeated, stiffly. “I lashed out. I didn’t know what I was doing.”

Remus wanted to believe it. But there was this side of Sirius that scared him, a darkness. Not a darkness like the rest of his family – and Remus had seen some nasty stuff from Sirius’s cousins during their time at Hogwarts – but a sort of hidden internal darkness. A darkness aimed inwards towards himself, as though Sirius had internalised the badness that his horrific family usually turned outwards at the world. A badness that Sirius truly believed he possessed, although Remus had never seen proof of it in anything but self-hatred.

It scared him. He’d seen pain in Sirius’s eyes. He’d seen the anger and self-loathing and fiery fury too, like on the days where Sirius wouldn’t eat anything. The worst days. He never wanted to underestimate what Sirius might be capable of, what that darkness might do to him, by him keeping everything pent up inside.

“If you did,” Remus continued softly, his hands resuming their plaiting. “You could tell me. You asked if I thought you were mental. Well, my answer is no. I’d never think that. I wouldn’t judge you. You could tell me anything and I wouldn’t judge you.”

Sirius wanted to believe that. He wanted to open his mouth right there and tell Remus everything. _Yes. Yes, I was angry but I smashed the mirror because I wanted to hurt. Badly. I needed more than the cutting. More than making myself sick, more than making myself hungry. I hate them_ so _much and they just won’t leave me alone. And the worst thing is that they’re in me, in my veins and my genes and my mind. I’m made of them. The pain pushes them away. It makes it just me and my anger and it makes me feel strong enough to push them away._

But Remus wouldn’t understand; how could he?

 _He hurts himself each month,_ another part of Sirius’s brain pointed out, _he becomes a monster. Maybe he would understand._

Sirius started to shake. He felt the quivers in his limbs first, then pass through to his chest. He knew Remus could feel it too from where he lay behind him. Firm hands rubbed Sirius’s back gently, grounding him. Remus was waiting patiently for him to answer.

“’m fine, Rem,” he mumbled, “I wasn’t trying to hurt myself.”

Remus didn’t want Sirius to lie to him anymore. But he let it go.

“Okay. Hey, what was your appointment about with Pomfrey yesterday? You’re not ill, are you?”

Sirius didn’t think he had the energy in him for another lie.

“It was… er… my follow up appointment. From, you know. Last time I was in there.” He said euphemistically.

It took Remus a moment to realise what he meant. “Oh?... Oh! About your… eating and stuff?”

“Mmm.” God it was hard to say out loud, even just to Remus. Sirius hated having to think about that appointment. He’d been doing well since then though, taking steps to fix the problem. He’d eaten half-portions or less at every meal and what he hadn’t got ridden of afterwards, he’d tried his best to burn off through running or press-ups in the dormitory (his new favourite activity). And the best thing was that his friends hadn’t noticed a thing.

Remus was still waiting patiently for Sirius to continue, still playing with his hair.

“She said my bloodwork is fine now and I’ve… gained weight. To a healthier amount,” Sirius said, trying not to grimace. When he glanced over his shoulder at his boyfriend, he saw that Remus looked genuinely thrilled.

“That’s great, Sirius. Well done!”

Sirius did his best attempt to smile back. _At least it won’t be for long_ , he thought determinedly.

*

The last two weeks passed rapidly, particularly for Sirius who was dreading the end of term. It seemed especially cruel and torturous that time seemed to have sped up when he least wanted it to. His days had become very full all of a sudden, what with last minute work to finish, keeping his friends distracted and off his back and most importantly, having time for runs and Quidditch practice on top of his tiring new meal routine.

He found himself avoiding Remus, which he felt bad about, but it was easy to disguise amidst everyone’s general busyness. Remus kept asking him what he was doing about the holidays, trying to talk to him about the fact he might have to go home. Sirius didn’t want to think about it. He wished Remus had never seen the scars on his back.

At night, he couldn’t avoid Remus. He couldn’t even pretend to be asleep; Remus had once admitted that his wolf senses meant he could tell when the others in the dormitory were asleep, based on their breathing and heartrates. James had decided this was hilarious and teased Remus profusely for hhis ‘creepy wolf power’ before clapping him on the back and saying “no wonder we’ve never accidentally overheard you wanking Moony! I wish Wormtail had wolf senses.”

And so, every night when they inevitably ended up in bed together and Remus tried to ask Sirius about Christmas, Sirius resorted to the world’s greatest distraction technique: seduction.

Sirius had been nervous about sex stuff to start with. After their strange date in the Prefect’s bathroom they’d done similar stuff - touching themselves or each other - and it had gotten easier for him, but only with the lights fully off, not even a hint of light through the drapings of their bed. One time, Remus had asked if he could put his wand-light on, so that they could see each other. Sirius had asked him not to, saying that he found it much more exciting when it was completely dark. He wasn’t lying, but that wasn’t the real reason.

The first time Sirius went down on Remus was when Remus had been running his fingers delicately all over Sirius’s body, as though he was tracing him, coming dangerously close to the puckered burn scars on his lower arm. Sirius had quickly stilled Remus’s hands by sucking down hard on his neck - eliciting a gasp - then slid down his body slowly with a trail of kisses. Remus’s fingers tangled in his hair as Sirius suddenly found himself face to face with Remus’s cock. He breathed hard, fighting panic. What if he didn’t know what he was doing? What if Remus didn’t like it?

“Sirius?” asked Remus softly, as if he could hear Sirius’s hesitation. “You know you don’t have to do that. You don’t have to do anything if you don’t want to.”

In response, Sirius ran his tongue inquisitively around Remus’s tip. Remus gasped in pleasure, hips bucking. Sirius wanted to give more of that pleasure. He pushed aside his anxiety and just focused on the sensations he was giving Remus, the noises Remus was making in response to him, the way his own cock twitched every time Remus let out a gasp, a pant. He liked it a lot, giving himself over to someone else’s pleasure. He liked losing himself in it.

When they were curled up in bed afterwards, Remus ran his fingers over Sirius’s face, brushing his cheek and sharp jaw. Sirius pretended to preen like a cat.

“Your face is so beautiful. Please can I see you, sometime?” Remus asked softly.

“I’m right here, Moony,” Sirius grinned, rubbing his nose against Remus’s fingertips.

“I mean the rest of you. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you properly naked.”

“Can’t a man have some mystery, Moony?” Sirius joked, trying to quell the tickling anxiety he felt in his ribs. Remus laughed.

“I don’t want to make you uncomfortable, Siri. But it worries me a little that you won’t let me see you. You know I think you’re beautiful?”

Sirius was still beneath Remus’s fingertips.

“I know, Moons. I just… it makes me anxious,” he admitted.

“Is it because of the scars on your back?” Remus asked. Sirius stayed silent, letting Remus take that for assent.

“Those scars…” Remus pushed on, feeling like he was making more progress towards understanding than he ever had before. “They make me worry about you going back there. What if they do that to you again? Or worse? The other stuff you told me about, the punishments, the cellar?”

Sirius wished he’d never opened up to Remus about what went on at Grimmauld Place.

“I’ll be fine,” he said confidently. “That stuff doesn't happen often. Only when I've done something  _really_ bad. My grades were decent. I’ll be fine.”

“That letter, though,” said Remus thoughtfully. Sirius felt a wave of anxiety, followed by a corresponding flash of annoyance. He didn’t _want_ to think about any of this.

“Look, I _have_ to go back,” said Sirius, a little harsher than he intended. “They’ll come to Hogwarts if I don’t and make a scene. So there’s no point thinking about it until I have to – _if_ I have to, which I probably won’t. There’s no point fucking _talking_ about it all the time either. I just want to enjoy the rest of term.”

Remus was quiet for a moment. “But if you told someone,” he persisted stubbornly, determined to finally get through to Sirius now that he had the chance, “Dumbledore or someone. They could protect you, if your parents came and made a scene.”

“Don’t be stupid,” Sirius hissed, sitting up angrily. “They’re not going to be able to just stop my parents taking me home, a lot of stuff would need to happen for that. Proper stuff, like legal shit and court cases. None of which would work, not against my parents. _And,_ I’d have to tell Dumbledore or McGonagall _everything_. And the judge and the courts. Fuck all that. I’d rather die.” He crossed his arms with finality.

Remus felt tears of anger and frustration pricking his eyes. “I’m _sorry_ , okay, Pads. Please don’t be angry. I’m sorry. I just don’t want you to get hurt.”

Sirius felt his anger fading. “I know, Rem. But it’s okay. I’ll be okay. Please just understand why I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want them at Hogwarts. It’s my own.”

Remus nodded. He felt awful for pushing Sirius like that. At least he finally understood the situation. But he hated what he’d discovered.

*

Remus wasn’t the only one worried about Sirius returning home. James cornered Sirius on the last night of term and presented him with what looked like a shard of mirror.

“Here’s your Christmas present from me, Pads,” said James. Pulling out his own half of the mirror he proceeded to demonstrate how they could talk to each other through it. Sirius was touched, even more so when James demanded that he call him every single day of the holidays.

“Nothing’s gonna happen, Prongs,” Sirius mumbled in embarrassment but James fixed him with a stern gaze.

“Doesn’t matter, I still want to hear from you either way. And if I don’t hear from you I’ll bloody well come to London and find you!”

Sirius smiled, knowing this was impossible but still moved by his best friend’s insistence.

“It’ll be better than owling at any rate. I don’t trust the ones at home, they’re an evil pack of bastards,” Sirius agreed.

“The owls or your family?” Remus piped up and Sirius laughed. "Both. Definitely both."

Remus approached him with what looked suspiciously like a pile of books wrapped neatly in brown paper.

“You might as well have my Christmas present now too, Pads,” said Remus a little shyly, handing them over. Sirius kissed Remus briefly, “thanks Moony!”

“Oi, where’s my thank you kiss?!” James demanded dramatically, pretending to be affronted. Sirius raised one eyebrow at Remus. Remus smirked and before James knew what was happening he was pinned to the bed and having his entire face licked ferociously __by his best friend.

“Oh god, Padfoot you’re terrible!!” James bellowed when he finally managed to heave Sirius off him and onto the floor, frantically wiping his face on his sleeve. “It’s bad enough when you’re a dog but when you’re a human it’s just… it’s unacceptable, that’s what it is!!”

Remus and Sirius fell about laughing at James's attempts to sound stern. Peter and Lily came in then. “What did I miss?” Peter asked, while Lily looked at her boyfriend who was now flopping on the bed like a fish as he moaned dramatically. She rolled her eyes and sat down on the floor next to Sirius. She poked him lightly in the shoulder.

“Hey you. Want to sit together on the train tomorrow?”

“Course,” said Sirius. The reminder was enough to wipe the smile off his face but he tried not to show his feelings. He couldn't believe the term was actually over.

His nightmares were about to become reality.

*

The train ride passed far too quickly as well. Lily and Sirius chatted and ate sweets (well, Lily did) for most of the journey. Sirius rarely spent time with Lily alone; he had forgotten how much he enjoyed her company. She was intelligent and quick, with a different sort of humour from James, more like Remus but less sarcastic and with a blunt honesty unique to Lily. Sirius appreciated the conversation in itself, as well as for the distraction.

Nevertheless, as the train drew nearer to London, Sirius found himself falling silent and staring out of the window, desperately pleading with any gods who were listening for the train to break down, for his father to have decided Sirius no longer needed to be punished after all, for his brother to talk to him like he used to. As his reflection stared back worriedly in the compartment window, he noticed Lily had also fallen silent. Glancing across he saw her biting her lip, twiddling her long red hair round her finger anxiously.

“Are you worried about going home?” Sirius asked her curiously. She looked like how he felt – nervous and on edge.

Lily jumped a little, then gave him a wry smile. “Yeah, I guess. My sister… we used to be close but now… she hates magic. Which means she hates me.”

Sirius didn’t say anything but nodded in understanding.

Lily chuckled bitterly. “It’s just the way she looks at me that really gets me. Like I’m different, a freak – that’s what she calls me. She looks at me like I disgust her. But it’s also like… like she’s scared of me?” she blinked rapidly, fighting back tears. A surprisingly gentle hand wrapped over hers. Sirius gave a reassuring squeeze then sat back.

“I understand,” he confessed. “My brother… Reg and I used to be inseparable, as kids. Even when I was sorted into Gryffindor we still had a kind of… understanding. Then the other day he told me our parents had been right about everything. And he implied that he knew about me and Remus and thought it was disgusting. I’ve never seen that look on his face before. It was fucking horrible.”

Lily looked closely at the boy opposite her. When she’d first met James and Sirius they’d been all bravado and swaggering confidence. But she’d seen the gentle, caring side of James and she’d been increasingly getting to see that vulnerable side of Sirius that he only showed to his friends. She felt honoured, but also sad that he'd had to go through so much. James had speculated to Lily in private that he didn't think Sirius's parents treated him right.

“Fuck family!” Sirius declared, making an obscene gesture out of the window in the direction of London, his face passionate and lively again. Lily laughed. Sirius never stayed vulnerable for long, always returning to his bold, energetic self. Lily admired that about him.

But the moment Sirius stepped off the train and saw his family waiting for him, that all changed. He seemed to close in on himself entirely, hunching over, his face drawn and pale. Despite their presence he helped Lily with her trunk and gave her a hug before they parted.

“Won’t your family hate it if they see you with me?” Lily whispered, even as she hugged him back tightly.

“Fuck family,” Sirius whispered back, but he didn’t sound convinced. Lily felt his body starting to shake under her hands.

“You’ll be okay,” she said, more confidently than she felt. “James wants you to call him every day. And he hopes you’ll come to new year.”

“I will if I can,” Sirius promised. “Take care, Evans. I'll see you soon.”

He made to turn but Lily stopped him with a quick hand on his shoulder.

“Sirius – I – you’ve done so well, this term. Keep looking after yourself, please.” Lily gabbled quickly before she lost the nerve, though she couldn’t quite bring herself to refer to his eating disorder directly.

Sirius nodded slowly, before shooting her one last grin and sloping off towards where his family waited, fussing over Regulus who had already joined them.

Lily ducked away from the daggers Sirius’s steely-eyed mother was shooting her from across the platform. The father was even more menacing, towering almost a head above Sirius, who was fairly tall himself. She couldn’t help worry as Orion Black gripped his son’s arm firmly, saying something sharply to him. Sirius’s arm looked fragile with that massive hand wrapped around it.

Her last impression of Sirius before the family apparated away deeply unsettled her. She'd never seen Sirius look scared before. Almost like a trapped animal.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: graphic descriptions of violence  
> TW: vomiting

*

 _“Sirius!!!”_ the voice shrieked again. Sirius sighed, quickly tying his shoelaces with a flick of his wand and smoothing his formal robes. He descended down three flights of ornate staircase, wincing with every step. His stomach cramped, causing him to pause once or twice and catch his breath. When he finally made it down the stairs the threatening figure of his father had appeared in the hallway.

“What is wrong with you, boy? Your mother had to call you three times. I will deal with your insolence later.” He grabbed Sirius by his loose hair, causing Sirius to yelp in pain, and used his other hand to cast a glamour charm over the bruises which lingered on Sirius’s face.

“And this hair is disgusting… I will make sure your mother cuts it later. Now, will you just _behave_ for once. If I hear a word about mudbloods or that traitorous House come out of your mouth, you won’t be able to speak tomorrow. Do you understand, boy?” Orion said in his deep voice through gritted teeth, still holding Sirius by the hair. His eyes were smarting with tears, much to his humiliation.

“Yes father,” said Sirius quickly. He’d learnt it didn’t do to prolong these encounters. His father released his hair and moved into the drawing room without a word. Sirius followed behind.

They were four days into the Christmas holidays and the Black’s various and numerous formal engagements began today. As Sirius was technically Heir, his presence was required at dinner, as it would be at all the forthcoming dinners and events. Sirius honestly didn’t know how he would make it through.

 

The first two days of the holidays had been hell. Sirius had been beaten comprehensively by his father as soon as they had arrived at Grimmauld Place, for having the audacity to be seen with a mudblood at the station. Sirius had been left with a black eye and badly bruised jaw, which had stayed with him for days, and most of his body was black and blue beneath his clothes. Even the tight hold his father had on him as they apparated home from the station had left finger-shaped bruises. After that first beating, he’d been forced to clean the house by hand, as punishment for his general insolence and imperfect grades. He’d had to work through the night and finally finished in the early afternoon of the next day. Just when Sirius thought he might collapse and die if he didn’t lie down, his father had arrived home early from work, furious again. He’d beaten Sirius even more viciously, using his belt this time. Sirius hadn’t even managed to ascertain why – but he guessed this was what Regulus had meant about his father being under pressure at work.

Sirius wasn’t sure if he passed out when his father had finished, but when he came to, he was lying on the floor of the study with bloody lash marks seared across his back. He managed to stagger slowly up the stairs and into the bathroom where he vomited. Nothing came up; he hadn’t eaten since he’d been back. He looked into the mirror. He looked dead. His face was bruised and sweaty, his hair hanging limply over his black eye. He slunk to his bedroom and collapsed onto his bed, relieved to finally lose himself to unconsciousness when he heard James calling him through the mirror.

“Prongs?” He picked the mirror up but kept it tilted it away from his face.

“Padfoot! Where have you been? Are you okay? Did something happen?” James’s face demanded through the mirror.

“No! I’m fine, everything’s fine. I’ve just been busy.” Sirius lied. There was a tense pause.

“Where are you, Pads? Why won’t you show me your face?” James asked, his voice fearful now. Sirius kept the mirror tilted firmly towards the ceiling.

“I’m fine, James, honestly. I don’t really want to talk right now, I don’t… I don’t feel too well. think I’m coming down with something. I’ll call you properly tomorrow, yeah?” Sirius said quickly. He knew James wouldn’t believe him but he was so exhausted he couldn’t get his brain to think of anything better. He really needed sleep. Placing the mirror face down on the table beside him he closed his eyes and slept.

Sirius slept like a log straight through till the next morning. He hadn’t realised how exhausted he’d been, but when he woke up, he didn’t feel refreshed. His whole body ached now and his bruises were even worse than they had been the previous day. He sighed. He couldn’t be bothered to do anything, even to go to the bathroom. He just lay there, making a mental note of everything that hurt. He found it oddly soothing to do so, even if it didn’t help lessen the pain. He watched the feeble light trickling in through the one tiny window in his room. His room was his own, sort of, but it still shared too much of the darkly elegant decor of the rest of Grimmauld Place for his liking. He’d covered the walls in posters years ago but they barely took the edge off the gloom that emanated throughout the entire house.

Finally, the pressure on his bladder became too much and Sirius tentatively padded into the hallway to the bathroom. He pissed, washed his face and thought about taking a shower but couldn’t bear the thought of standing up for long enough to wash himself.

He ran into his brother when he stepped outside the bathroom. Sirius hadn’t seen Regulus since he’d got back and had assumed his brother was being kept away from him so he didn’t get tainted with Sirius’s blood traitor tendencies.

“Sirius?” Regulus looked taken aback by the state of his brother. Sirius ignored him and made to move past back to his bedroom. He couldn’t be bothered to deal with anything right now.

“Sirius, are you alright?” Regulus stepped in front of him, stopping him.

Sirius growled. “What do you want, Reg?!”

Regulus looked surprised at the hostility. Sirius wondered if he had forgotten their last encounter?

“Just wanted to check if you were alright. Do you want me to get you some food? I haven’t seen you at meals.” Regulus stammered slightly under Sirius’s glare. He clearly had no idea what had happened to Sirius since they’d got back.

“I’m fine, Reg,” said Sirius firmly, moving past Regulus and closing his bedroom door behind him. His stomach growled loudly. He was starving. But he was used to that sensation and it felt oddly familiar and comforting compared to his other aches and pains. Instead he focused on casting a strong glamour charm over his face so he could call James again and convince him that nothing was wrong.

 

Now, though, at the formal dinner, he would have to eat. His stomach was cramping agonisingly, having not been fed for almost four days and now that he was standing up he felt distinctly lightheaded. He’d been left alone since that last beating and hadn’t attempted to go downstairs. Regulus had left food outside his door but Sirius had ignored it. He regretted it now. His stomach was bound to react badly to the rich food, even more so after fasting. But he had no choice.

The dinner was terrible. Sirius was largely ignored, but his father snapped at him several times to stop playing with his food. Sirius quickly took a mouthful then, but his father still glared at him furiously. He knew he’d be in for it later. The conversation was mainly about politics, namely, how mudbloods should ideally be banned from various spheres of the wizarding world. Sirius kept his mouth tightly shut. One of his father’s colleagues sat across from him, a terribly slimy bald man with a face like a potato. He seemed to take delight in bringing Sirius into the conversation, asking him what he thought. His tone was sycophantic, clearly sucking up to Sirius because he was the Heir. Sirius kept his answers as non-committal as possible, but still his father glared.

Sirius thought he was doing a good job of pretending to eat and had managed not to vomit on the table despite the pain in his stomach. His father did not agree. When the others were talking animatedly, he bent close to Sirius. “If you don’t stop picking at your food, boy, it will be the belt again.” Sirius ate properly after that, as much as he could manage.

After the meal, he was excused and he ran up the stairs to make himself sick in the bathroom. It didn’t take much, but he kept trying long after he had thrown up everything, just to make sure. When he finally sat back and wiped his fingers, he felt dizzy. Sirius flushed the toilet and staggered to his feet. He felt so unsteady he grabbed the door for support, but it wasn’t enough. His view twisted sharply and then he was on the floor, slipping briefly into unconsciousness.

“Sirius?” he woke to Regulus knocking on the other side of the bathroom door.

“Just coming, Reg,” he tried to say, sitting up, but his voice was so hoarse he had to clear his throat and repeat himself. He stood again, more cautiously this time, and unlocked the door.

Regulus looked at him worriedly. “Were you sick? Do you need a hand?”

“No, I’m fine,” Sirius shrugged him off and made his way into his bedroom where he shut the door firmly. Time for another glamour charm, time for his daily chat with James. Sirius was so damn tired of it all; he hated that he wasn’t even looking forward to speaking to his best friend, because of all the damn lying he had to do.

*

The days before Christmas passed in a seemingly endless stream of formal engagements, both within and away from Grimmauld Place. After almost every single one, Sirius was beaten for not saying the right things, or for not having the right attitude, or for not finishing his dinner. He could feel his physical state deteriorating after every beating and his body never fully recovered between them. Sirius inspected himself in the bathroom mirror on Christmas Eve. His hair had been cut right down to the scalp, which made him barely recognise himself (even James had done a double take when he’d seen Sirius’s new hair during their nightly phone call). His cheekbone bore a sharp cut from his father’s signet ring. Worst of all was his torso: his ribs were bruised black, his back covered in lightly scabbed cuts. He had given up trying to heal himself, which he knew was stupid because they could get infected, but he just couldn’t bring himself to care. His legs were bruised from where his father had kicked him. His arms looked as scarred as they’d always been, but at least he hadn’t cut himself since he’d been back. There was no point hurting himself when his parents were doing such a good job of it.

The friendly, comforting part of Sirius’s brain tried to remind him that there was only a couple of weeks of holiday left until he could go back to Hogwarts. That wasn’t long at all – he could definitely make it through.

Sirius knew that, technically, this was correct. But the days were so agonisingly long and the bleak, cloying atmosphere of Grimmauld Place so pervasive that he couldn’t help feeling there was no chance of him ever leaving.

Maybe if he carried on not eating, he’d die and that would be a kind of escape. Sirius pushed away that thought as soon as it came. Jesus bloody Christ, he thought angrily (a favourite Muggle expression of his). I may be fucked up but I’m not _that_ fucked up.

It was hard to speak to James every day, to be reminded of what things were like outside of the Black family. In some ways it was useful, inspiring him to keep going, to get back to his friends. Mostly it just made him feel like he was playing a part, acting the role of Sirius Black in all his former glory. He got the impression he wasn’t really convincing James, but at least he wasn’t letting on how bad any of it actually was. The conversations left him drained for hours afterwards.

Sirius tried a few times to read some of the books Moony had given him for Christmas, but he couldn’t really focus. Instead he spent a lot of time sleeping, or lying in bed, trying to preserve his energy for the next family event.

The 23rd of December was a full moon and Sirius thought of Moony as he gazed at it out of his window. He thought of the two of them dancing under the moonlight in the Room of Requirement. He had to make it through this, he had to get back to Hogwarts. For Remus. He hadn’t received any letters, but then he didn’t really expect to. Last summer he’d figured out that his parents intercepted his mail and they wouldn’t pass on any if it was from a blood traitor.

The only real positive to come out of his time at home was that Regulus _did_ actually seem to care about him again. He seemed particularly concerned that he only occasionally saw Sirius at meals and was always offering to bring him food. More than once Sirius had found him waiting outside the bathroom after he had been sick. Sirius didn’t know if Regulus understood what he was doing, and to be honest he didn’t really care. It was his own private business and no one was going to interfere.

That all changed on Christmas Day.

The day was better than Sirius had expected, to begin with. He didn’t get beaten, he didn’t even get insulted or put down or mocked. He even got presents, though it was only two more sets of formal robes, presumably for all the formal gatherings he’d have to keep attending as heir (Sirius couldn’t comprehend why they all persisted in acting as though he would be heir, when clearly no one actually wanted that). The only unpleasant aspect of the day was that his aunt, uncle and cousins would be coming round for Christmas dinner, but even that just meant there would hopefully be more conversation and distraction, which meant less people focusing on what he ate. Sirius had freaked out in the mirror last night after looking at his reflection. He hated being forced into meals with his family and he was worried that he was putting on weight, even though he knew in _theory_ this was probably the least he’d ever weighed. But that didn’t match what he saw, so clearly he was doing something wrong. He decided he needed to be consuming less at meals - even if the beatings got worse, he could take it.

Half way through the family Christmas dinner, Sirius was just congratulating himself on having slipped under the radar and got away with eating only a few bites, when all of a sudden his cousin Bellatrix addressed him directly from across the table.

“How’s the diet going, dear cousin?” Sirius glanced at her, sure she couldn’t be talking about him. Her grey eyes bore right into him, that horrid smirk on her face. “Yes Sirius, I mean you.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he responded haughtily. The table around them had got quieter. Beside Sirius, Orion was frowning.

“Oh I think you do,” said Bellatrix sweetly in her sing-song voice. “I’ve seen you in the Great Hall, slipping food off your plate when you think no one’s looking. And Roddy here said he overheard someone making themselves vomit in the toilets. He waited to see who it was, and he was most _surprised_ to find it was my little cousin here.” She’d raised her voice this for the benefit of everyone else at the table. Sirius tried his utmost to keep his expression neutral. Rodolphus Lestrange, his cousin’s fiancé and fellow Slytherin, nodded to confirm this story.

Walburga Black interjected. “I _hardly_ think this is an appropriate topic for the dinner table, Bellatrix.”

“Oh I think it is,” Bellatrix smiled slowly like a predator. She gestured to Sirius’s still-full plate. “I’ve overheard dear Sirius with his blood traitor friends. They all think he’s got a _problem_ ” – she whispered it exaggeratedly – “they think he deliberately _starves himself_. Like a little Muggle teenage girl.”

The table descended into gossip and whispers. Sirius denied her words vehemently, hands shaking beneath the tablecloth, but he knew the damage was done. His father was staring down at him assessingly. Across the table, Regulus gazed at him with open mouth, having lost his usual composure. Orion Black stood up, “excuse me,” and dragged Sirius out of the room by the arm.

 In the study, which was protected by a silencing charm, Orion let go of his arm abruptly and Sirius fell to the floor.

“What is WRONG with you, Boy?!!” Orion roared. “Just when I thought you couldn’t embarrass myself or this family anymore!! You’re turning us into a laughing stock. I hope you’re happy now.” He slowly trained his wand on Sirius, who shrank back into the carpet. “No Black man is going to get away with acting like a _Muggle_ _girl_.” He spat the words slowly and with great emphasis before raising his wand. “ _Crucio!_ ”

Sirius was on fire. It was as if every nerve in his body lit up bright red with the pain. His brain had short-circuited, pain was everywhere, even down in the tips of his fingernails. He felt like he was being cooked, the sensation was so much, too much, he wanted to die –

Sirius lost track of his thoughts, lost track of himself, consumed by the fire. Eventually he heard someone screaming. Realising that it was him, he came back to his body, ripped through by spasming aftershocks. Orion was looking down at him with complete and utter repulsion.

“Disgusting. Making yourself vomit? You’re a freak. If you don’t stop embarrassing this family, you’ll be out. Go to your room and stay there.” With that threat, Orion turned on his heels and left, leaving Sirius feeling sick to his stomach. His father had never made his feelings so clear. He had expressed disappointment, anger, but never such pure and utter disgust. It made Sirius feel absolutely tiny, pathetic, worthless.

Dragging himself off the floor, he made his way up the stairs to his room. On the way up, his mother suddenly came up behind him and caught his arm. Sirius flinched, anticipating a slap.

“Foolish boy. You don’t let anyone see those sorts of habits, you understand me? What goes on in private stays in private.” She shook her head, almost in... _amusement_? Sirius was extremely confused.

“It can be a good way to lose weight, however. I know a particularly good potion which quells some of the… negative side effects. If you ever need my assistance,” his mother offered smoothly, releasing his arm. With a sickly attempt at a smile she left him on the stairs trying to process what she had said.

 The kind and caring tone, which Sirius couldn’t reconcile with his mother, made her words even more chilling. Why would his mother be encouraging him to make himself sick? And was she actually offering him potions to help him cover it up??

His first, panicked thought was _oh god it must be obvious I really need to lose weight._ His second, far more unpleasant realisation followed and he knew with hideous certainty that it was true. His mother was encouraging his behaviour because she hoped he would carry on until he was unable to become Heir, either because he was too much of an embarrassment to the family, or because he was too ill, or because he was… dead. Then, her favourite son Regulus could get that honour instead. It all made perfect, evil sense.

Sirius couldn’t deal with the realisation that both his parents despised him _so much_. He felt sick all over and his skin had washed cold. His brain, overwhelmed by emotion, began to shut down. He walked to his room like a zombie, stopping in the toilet to make himself sick. What the fuck did any of it matter anymore? He was just a pawn in his parents’ games – he was disposable.

He got into his bed and vowed to stay there for the rest of the holidays.

*

On New Years Eve, the Black house lay dark and still. Walburga, Orion and Regulus were downstairs eating dinner, the dining room door firmly shut against their eldest son. No one had seen him for days, although Regulus had been both worried and relieved when the trays of food he left outside Sirius’s door would reappear, looking as though as though some of its contents had been nibbled at. He worried about how little Sirius was eating – just the bare minimum to stay alive, it seemed - and about the retching sounds he had heard coming from the bathroom on more than one occasion. He was starting to think that what his cousin had said about Sirius at Christmas was true.

“Regulus! Eat up,” his father ordered and Regulus jumped to attention, catching his wandering thoughts and focusing on the delicious spread in front of him.

Meanwhile on the stairs, a dark figure crept down slowly and silently towards the study, which was just across the hall from the dining room. Sirius reached the handle, praying it was unlocked. It turned easily under his touch. Clearly his father had believed that the threat of what would happen if anyone went in without his permission was more than enough security. But Sirius wouldn’t let himself think about that.

Once inside, he continued to move silently towards the fireplace. The only sound was the gentle swish of the travelling cloak he wore on the polished wooden floor. He barely breathed with the fear his father would somehow hear it, even though he knew there was a silencing charm in this room.

Sirius climbed into the fireplace, the muggle clothes he wore beneath his cloak getting covered with soot in the process. He grabbed a handleful of floo powder and closed his eyes.

“ _Potter mansion_.”


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: hints of non-con (nothing major)

Sirius had never been more grateful for the power of glamour charms than at the moment when he fell out of the Potter’s living room fireplace into a room full of witches and wizards, the renowned Potter New Year’s Eve party already in full swing. Those nearest to him looked at him curiously and someone offered him a hand up as he was crouched, trying to blink dizziness and soot from his eyes.

“Sirius!” Fortunately James had spotted him and pushed through the crowd, enveloping his best friend in a hug just as he was pulled to his feet. Sirius flinched automatically before giving himself over to the hug with more relief and emotion than James had ever experienced. Concerned, James squeezed Sirius tightly. Merlin, was he really that thin? James was certain he could feel Sirius’s ribs even through his muggle shirt and travelling cloak. Keeping one arm round Sirius’s waist, James steered him through the packed living room to the more secluded kitchen.

“Pads, I’m so bloody glad to see you!” James couldn’t resist hugging him again, although yet again Sirius flinched when he did so, and that was worrying. “Are you alright? How were your family? I never expected them to let you come here!”

“They didn’t,” Sirius grinned a familiar cheeky grin. He felt almost ecstatic now that he’d realised he’d pulled it off and couldn’t resist boasting to James. “I snuck out while they were having dinner. They probably won’t even notice I’m gone!”

James looked confused. “How would they not notice?”

“I’ve been in my room for like four days -” Sirius admitted before stopping himself.

“Shit,” said James, running his fingers through his hair and running his eyes over Sirius. “Were they that bad?”

Sirius squirmed under his gaze, praying the glamour charm would hold up. “Nah, they were alright. Like I told you over the mirror. Bit pissed off like usual, but nothing I can’t handle.”

James squinted. Something was off about Sirius’s appearance. He looked so _well_. Even more annoyingly good-looking than usual. He didn’t look as thin as he’d felt when they’d hugged and his skin had a slight shimmer about it. Very peculiar.

“Anyway, what have I missed?” Sirius asked excitedly. “Have your parents met Evans yet?” He judged that this would be the perfect question to distract James, and he was right.

“Yes! They love her – of course – and dad embarrassed me by telling all these stories from when I was a kid, but I managed to shut him up! She’s wearing this amazing dress – hold on, let’s go find her -” James looped Sirius’s arm in his and practically dragged him through the crowded party. Most of the Potter’s ground floor had been opened into one huge dance floor with clusters of adults standing round the edge conversing with cocktails in their hands and groups of wonderfully awkward teenagers dancing in the middle beneath flashing lights.

“Is Remus here?” Sirius asked quickly, more desperate to see him now than anything.

“Yeah, they were together last time I saw them, looking at the books in my dad’s study. Moony said he didn’t think you’d been getting any of his owls?” James said, looking like he might start interrogating Sirius about his summer again.

Sirius frowned. “Yeah, I think Kreacher or my mother must have confiscated them. I warned him not to write anything incriminating though.”

James pulled a face in sympathy. Just as they reached the library – tucked down a long corridor away from the busyness of the lounge - they were waylaid by James’s parents.

“Sirius? We’re so glad you’re here! James didn’t think you’d be able to make it!” Euphemia Potter wrapped Sirius in a hug so huge and warm that it trumped even James’s. She, too, noticed his flinch. Fleamont Potter stood behind her smiling, “we’re thrilled to see you again, son.” He knew James had been worried about his closest friend and when James was worried, he was worried. When his wife let go of Sirius, he noticed something about the boy which made him frown in concern.

After a few brief words of catching-up, James announced they had to dash because Sirius was desperate to see Remus. His parents exchanged knowing smiles and Sirius glared at James. Sirius moved off into the library but James’s dad gestured for his son to stay behind.

“What’s up, dad?” James asked.

“That boy has an extremely strong glamour charm on him, son,” said Fleamont worriedly. “I was wondering if you knew anything about that.”

James bit his lip. So that was why Sirius looked so perfect. He might have guessed it wasn’t because of the healthy, invigorating lifestyle he had been living over the Christmas holidays.

“No…” said James slowly, “but I have a horrible feeling it’s to do with his parents.”

His dad raised his eyebrows, looking deeply concerned. Euphemia looked less surprised – she was descended from Blacks, after all – but her expression was sad.

“Do you think he’d react badly if we asked him about it?” she asked James. “If he’s injured, I can heal him, make sure he’s alright.”

“I think he might react badly,” James admitted, “but I also think we should do it anyway.”  His parents nodded in agreement.

*

“Sirius?!” Remus threw himself into Sirius’s arms and just hugged him. He’d been _so_ worried, especially as Sirius hadn’t answered any of his letters (and he’d sent more than he’d care to admit). James had assured him that Sirius seemed alright when he’d spoken to him over the mirror, but definitely not his usual cheery self. Remus, always the most worried and pessimistic of his friends, had not been reassured.

But now here was Sirius, in the flesh and looking surprisingly well, hugging him back.

“Moons, I’ve missed you so much you have no idea,” Sirius spoke into his ear, kissing him on the lips.

“Oh gods same, Pads,” Remus kissed him back between their words. Behind them, someone cleared her throat. Sirius and Remus pulled apart and Lily gave Sirius a quick hug.

“Glad you made it,” she said.

“God, so am I Lils, you’ve no idea how much I’ve missed you all.” The words tripped out of Sirius almost desperately. It felt like years since he’d had proper, human contact with people he cared about. “I hear you’ve met the parents now, eh?”

Lily blushed bright red.

“Yes! I think it went alright… well, James’s dad was trying so hard to embarrass him that I could have been as weird as I wanted and it wouldn’t have mattered!”

Sirius laughed, even while another part of his mind registered how weird it still was to hear Lily saying ‘James’ rather than ‘Potter’. Yet another part of his brain was observing Remus, thinking how beautiful he looked, illuminated by happiness and relief.

Sirius had room for a lot of thoughts. His mind was racing. He felt positively euphoric to have escaped, even if it was only for a short while. It would be worth the punishment when he went back.

 _Why don’t you just stay here?_ The hopeful voice in his brain suggested. _You could just never go back_.

 _But that won’t work. Reg’s there and I can’t just leave him,_ Sirius pointed out. _Whatever they do to me they might do to him and I need to be there to take it._

“Sirius?” He tuned back in to Remus and Lily watching him questioningly.

“Huh? Sorry, guess I spaced out,” Sirius tugged on his hair sheepishly. Remus’ eyebrows were knit, golden eyes tracing Sirius’ face as if for evidence that he wasn’t okay. Remus opened his mouth as if to say something but James suddenly came in.

“Hey Pads, my parents want a word?”

Sirius looked surprised, Remus and Lily confused.

“Sure!” agreed Sirius, stepping back across the library.

James was trying carefully not to freak Sirius out as he led him to the deserted kitchen where his parents were casually sipping Muggle wine.

“Would you care for a glass, boys?” Euphemia Potter offered. Sirius nodded his head urgently. Nothing sounded more appealing right now than drowning out the memory of Grimmauld Place. James declined, having already vowed to watch his alcohol intake tonight so he could a) not embarrass himself anymore in front of Lily and b) keep an eye on Sirius.

Sirius accepted the glass Euphemia offered him and leant back with his typical, casual elegance against the counter, covering up a wince when his spine came into contact with the surface. Observing this, James frowned. His parents exchanged glances, wondering how to proceed.

“Sirius my boy,” Fleamont Potter stepped forward. “We want you to feel safe here and to know that this is your home too.”

Sirius nodded slowly. It was kind of James’ dad to say that but also made him slightly wary about where this conversation might be heading. He swigged a mouthful of wine. He hadn’t been allowed to join in when his family had drunk alcohol at Christmas. It took every ounce of self-control not to down the entire contents of the glass in one go.

“We want you to feel comfortable with us,” continued Euphemia. “We want you to know you can tell us anything.”

Sirius nodded even more slowly. Oh god. Did they know? About the eating thing? Or about his parents? How could they know?

There was a pause. Euphemia and Fleamont were locked in a silent communication, trying to decide how to say it. James sighed. Someone needed to just do it. Get it all out in the open.

“Mate, we know you’ve got a glamour charm on you and we’re worried,” James said, stepping forward to rest a friendly hand on Sirius’ shoulder.

No one expected the reaction that followed. Sirius flinched violently, dropping his glass in the process and rushing from the room. James and his parents stood frozen, looking at the broken glass on the floor.

Euphemia Potter sighed a deep sigh.

“Well, that went well,” muttered Fleamont.

James leant against the counter, head in his hands. “Fuck! I screwed up.” His chest felt tight and painful.

His dad wrapped his arm round his son’s shoulders. “It’s okay, son.”

“It’s not okay, dad! How is it going to be okay if he won’t talk to us? Did you see the way he jumped? I feel like I just hit him!” James realised he was crying, ugly tears pouring down his cheeks as he choked out the words.

He didn’t cry often and especially not in front of his parents. _Fucking Sirius_.

“We wanted to make him feel safe, and I didn’t. I’ve let him down,” James sobbed, finally letting himself break down, letting all the emotions out that had been building the whole term.

Euphemia moved to join her husband, hugging her son, as if they could solve everything through sheer love alone.

*

Sirius was on top of the world. As he moved through the party his brain was working at a hundred miles an hour, chatting to everyone, dancing, drinking, snogging Remus. Remus kept wanting to _talk_ but Sirius didn’t want that. He thought he might be happy never talking about anything _serious_ – oh dear – ever again. He didn’t – ha! – want to ever be Sirius again!

Remus frowned when Sirius told him this joke for the fourth time.

“Come on, Pads, let’s go somewhere a bit quieter?” he suggested, thinking it would be better to get Sirius away from the living room where he’d been dancing rather flamboyantly with James’ great-aunt (who fortunately found him “most charming and funny”). Along with James, his parents and Lily, Remus was more than a little concerned about Sirius’ mental state. At first, he’d just seemed high-spirited and no one wanted to be responsible for spoiling his evening, especially after the rough time they all suspected he’d had (James had pulled him to one side and informed him about the glamour charm and their failed intervention). But it had been hours and Sirius was still going, more than a little drunk and only seeming to get more energetic as the evening wore on. He hadn’t sat down once or eaten anything, just continued to knock back wine as if his life depended on it.

Remus resolved to finally speak to him and see if he was really alright.

“Shall we go upstairs?” He asked and Sirius’s eyes lit up.

“Yesss Moony!” He grinned and practically dragged Remus upstairs to the guest room where he had often stayed the night.

Remus sat tentatively on the bed while Sirius bounced on the balls of his feet around the room. He seemed utterly incapable of staying still for a moment. Remus watched him, a strange suspicion growing in his mind. It seemed incredibly unlikely, and yet…

“Sirius, have you taken something? Are you high?” Remus asked incredulously.

Sirius laughed uproariously. “Just high on life, my sweet Moony!” He continued pacing with a bounce, moving closer.

Remus found himself feeling wary as Sirius approached him, a glint in his eye.

“So, what did you bring me up here for, my beautiful Moony?” He asked. Remus couldn’t help thinking how predatory Sirius looked, which was disturbing to even think about. He shook off the thought, but Sirius stepped in and started touching him, stroking his chest and shoulders, down his torso.

Remus shoved him off, hard. Sirius dropped to the floor, a look of shock on his face that made Remus feel terrible.

“Fuck, I’m sorry Siri.” He extended a hand and hauled Sirius up to sit back on the bed beside him. “I just didn’t want to do… that. I wanted to _talk_ to you.”

Sirius still said nothing, his face passive and blank.

Remus frowned. “Are you okay, love?”

Sirius nodded slowly. Remus was scared by how quickly his mood had changed, how the temperature in the room seemed to have plummeted. Slowly, Remus put his arm around Sirius, who tensed before slowly relaxing. Remus stroked his soft black hair.

“What’s really going on, Pads?”

Sirius said nothing.

“You know James and his parents were just trying to help? We’re all worried about you. No one wants to stop you having a good time tonight. But it doesn’t help us deal with the real problem.” Remus spoke slowly, thinking out each word.

Sirius gave a shudder and turned his head blinked fiercely at Remus as if coming back from a trance.

“I know, Rem. I just want to forget. Tonight feels so good, just being here with all of you. Will you help me forget?” His huge moon-like eyes hung at Remus’ shoulder.

“Will you tell me what’s wrong?” Remus countered.

Sirius shrugged. “It’s nothing, really. Just… felt a bit shit. Over the holidays. Nothing major.”

Remus doubted that. “Shit how?”

“Oh… you know. Just stuff.” Said Sirius vaguely.

 “What about your parents, Pads? Did they do anything? Why the glamour charm?”

Sirius laughed and flipped his hair. “Oh that’s just to make me look lovely. You know how vain I am, Rem. It’s all you and James ever joke about.”

 _Yes, but that was before,_ thought Remus. _Before you started starving yourself down to nothing._ Speaking of which, the glamour made it impossible to see how thin Sirius was, but Remus could feel the pointed bone in the top of Sirius’s shoulder pressing into his arm. That wasn’t good, at all.

“Have you been eating?” Remus asked, already anticipating a lie in response.

Sirius looked away, mustering up a lie. What actually came out was “Bella announced at Christmas dinner that I have an eating disorder.”

Both of them were surprised. Sirius had never said those two words out loud. Remus forced himself to keep stroking Sirius’s hair as if nothing was wrong, not wanting him to freak out or close himself off.

“Ok… how did your family respond?” he asked calmly.

Sirius let out a little snort. “They were… concerned.” That was one way of putting it. He remembered the way his father had thrown him to the floor, the disgust in his eyes. His mum grabbing his arm on the stairs. Her offers of ‘help’. The realisation that she wouldn’t care if he’d died.

It wasn’t the most painful encounter he’d had with either of his parents, but it felt like it.

Remus opened his mouth to continue but was interrupted by Sirius smashing his lips against his.

“Mphph… Sirius! I’m not done talking!” he protested when the kiss ended. Sirius just laughed.

“Too bad, Rem, because I am! Now let’s go and join the party.” From downstairs they could hear the countdown to midnight had begun. Remus let himself be pulled downstairs, his mind reeling from everything he’d heard and regretful that he hadn’t gotten Sirius to open up more.

James caught his eye when they re-entered the living room but Sirius had dipped him down into a dramatic kiss before Remus could so much as nod at James. They kissed as fireworks exploded outside the house, over the bangs and cheering and clinking of glasses. When they pulled apart Sirius froze, looking at something over Remus’ shoulder.

“What is it?” Remus looked round but there was nothing there, just crowds of guests, including a few who were staring right at them, as had been the case all night. The Potter’s friends were a tolerant crowd, but some of the older guests weren’t used to seeing two men kissing so openly.

“I thought I saw…” began Sirius before cutting off, shaking his head. “But no, it can’t be. It’s nothing.” Worried, Remus glanced behind him again but Sirius was already making his way through the crowd to take over the music.

They danced to Bowie that night. Peter turned up at some point - or perhaps he'd always been there, but Sirius hadn't noticed - and the Marauders were complete. Many of the older guests left before long, leaving the party to the younger generations of James’s cousins and family friends, as well as a few adults who were his parents’ age. Sirius felt all his troubles vanish as he lost himself in _Queen Bitch_ , arms round James and Remus as he swayed and slurred and pretended in his head that he was David Bowie. Everything was gonna be okay, as long as he stayed like this _forever_ , drunk and surrounded by people who loved him. Even sounds and colours seemed sharper, brighter. The world was all lit up, just for him. His face hurt from grinning.

James watched on. He was relieved that Sirius seemed to have forgiven him for his attempt at an intervention. He was concerned by how exceptionally drunk Sirius was, but as long as he was here, with them, James could keep him safe. He and Remus would watch over him all night if necessary, like guardian angels.

For now, that was all that mattered. They could deal with the other stuff in the morning.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for such a long hiatus, I have been working on other things and got a little bit stuck on this. But I really want to finish it so I'm going to stick with it! Thanks for your comments and kudos - it's what reminded me to keep going.
> 
> It may not be explicitly clear, but Sirius experiences a manic/hypomanic episode of some kind in this chapter. It's a response to trauma which is perhaps less commonly discussed than other responses (disassociation, flashbacks etc) but it's one I am very interested in depicting, (as someone who suffers from hypomanic 'high' moods as well as depressive 'low' moods). 
> 
> As always, please let me know what you think! This isn't my best chapter but I'm trying to get back into it  
> x


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: Homophobic slur

Remus woke to the sun pouring into his eyes. After a few minutes attempting to get back to sleep, he sat up, rubbing the crusted sleep from each eye. Looked like they had been too drunk to shut the curtains last night when they all finally collapsed into James’ spare room. Remus glanced back towards his friends. James, Sirius and Peter – when had Peter even get here?? – flopped in a range of positions across the double mattress. James lay flat on his back snoring wetly. Peter let out strange whimpering noises in his sleep and  twitched frequently. Sirius was practically invisible on the other side of James; he seemed to have claimed every duvet in the room and buried himself under them. Not that anyone could blame him – he’d been completely out of last night, Remus observed with a frown. James and Peter had passed out long before Sirius when they all finally went to bed. Sirius had sat up chatting to Remus for a good hour or two. Not about anything important either - just a strange one-sided conversation full of the little scraps that passed through Sirius’ manic-drunk brain. Remus had tried asking him about what his holiday had really been like at home, with his family, but Sirius had shrugged off his questions with a strange distant half-smile. They’d talked a lot about the future, particularly Sirius’s plans for the future, which were as wild and random and outrageous as Sirius himself. It had been lovely, in a strange sort of way.

God, thought Remus as he dragged his aching, hungover body to its feet. He could _really_ do with more sleep.

Grabbing his book and the only blanket Sirius hadn’t claimed, Remus slowly headed downstairs in search of a pint (or two) of water. The stairway quivered in his hungover vision. It seemed probable that he was still slightly drunk. But he imagined Sirius would feel a whole lot worse when he woke up.

Perhaps that was he and James’s fault. Remus gnawed his lip anxiously. They should have done more to stop Sirius drinking so much.

But Sirius would have hated that, Remus reasoned with himself. He might have left, and that would be even worse. _At least he’s here and we kept him safe._

“Morning, Remus!”

Remus was surprised that James’s mum was already awake and smiling from where she sat reading on the couch below the winter light spilling in through the window. The clock on the mantelpiece read 10.30am. He felt embarrassed by his unwashed and crinkled appearance, but it was too late to fix now.

“Morning Mrs P,” he greeted her with the affectionate term they’d all adopted for her a few years ago. “What are you reading?”

Euphemia waved her muggle copy of Middlemarch. Grabbing a drink of water, Remus sat heavily on the sofa and happily entered into a passionate discussion about the merits of George Eliot. It was refreshing, to discuss Muggle literature. While the other Marauders had a superficial interest in Muggle things, especially Sirius, it certainly didn’t extend to reading Muggle books.

By midday, his fellow Marauders were still not awake. Remus had moved to read on the windowsill in their room, now that James had finally stopped snoring. After enjoying a lovely conversation about books with Mrs P she had insisted on making him breakfast. Other guests had begun to trickle down about an hour ago and Remus had headed back upstairs to have a shower (and to not have to engage with anyone else). Now he sat waiting for his friends to wake up, swinging his long legs down into the room and letting the words flow over him. He even opened the window, despite it being so cold. The fresh air was pleasant and if it had the added advantage of waking up the others, well…

Before long there was an almighty noise and James suddenly began to stir. His manner of doing so seemed to involve loud grunts and groans and flailing his arms out either side simultaneously, waking up both Sirius and Peter in the process. Peter just groaned himself and rolled away but Sirius blinked and sat up, duvet sliding off him as he stretched his limbs out.

“Morning Pads,” Remus said, smiling. He was about to ask how Sirius was feeling when his words were cut off by a kind of strangled gasp from James, who had just put his glasses on.

Remus jumped down from the windowsill and moved across the room. Suddenly every bit of Sirius he could see was covered in wounds, angry bruises and vicious cuts and marks of all kinds. His whole chest looked like a tapestry of bruises and Remus was reminded with horror of another time he’d seen this, right at the beginning of last term. Sirius quickly grabbed the duvet and pulled it high to his neck but Remus could still see the yellow and green bruises on his face beneath an inflamed red cut running along a high cheekbone. And he was so thin, Merlin!  His cheekbones and jaw were agonisingly defined. The wrist that clutched the duvet was all skinny tendons and more of those angry marks. Remus swore he could see finger-shapes in a ring of bruises along his arm.

“Sirius…” Remus had never heard James sound as scared as he did when he said Sirius’ name.

Sirius looked up at James and his eyes were huge and sad in his beaten face. Before anyone could do anything, Sirius had grabbed his wand from the side of the bed and cast a silent glamour charm over himself. Within seconds he was back to his old self, but it seemed almost worse to see him looking creepily perfect when they now knew what he was covering up. Sorrow and anger washed over Remus. He hadn’t realised his hand was over his mouth until Sirius was looking at him again with those begging eyes. He removed the hand and crouched beside the bed, gently taking one of Sirius’s hands from where he clutched the duvet.

Sirius let him. Remus turned the hand over and over, marvelling in horror at its wholesome, unpunctured skin, the healthy sheen of skin. James stared in shock.

“You weren’t supposed to see me like that,” Sirius croaked hoarsely. “I’m sorry.”

Remus opened his mouth to make it clear that he did _not_ need to apologise, but on the other side James – who had been utterly lost for words – spoke up. He was clearly emotional and clearly trying to hold back some kind of outburst but he kept his voice even.

“Padfoot, I’m telling you now, you have _nothing_ to apologise for. I can’t believe they did this to you! They’re-” James took a pause and a deep breath. “They should not be treating you like that. No one should be treating anyone like that. I understand that you want this to be kept private…” He took in Sirius’ wary expression, the way he clung on to Remus’ hand in response to James’ words. “But I can’t sit by and watch you suffer like this.

Padfoot, you’re _dying._ That’s what you look like. You look like you’re going to die if you keep this up much longer. And I’m not just talking about them beating you.” James let his words sink in. Sirius was frozen. “I want to help you tell my parents, Pads. You can come and live with us. You’ll never have to go back there. Please.”

There was a long pause. Sirius sat like a statue. Remus stroked the back of his hand gently, letting him know that it was alright.

“It’s not that bad,” Sirius said in a small voice.

James looked furious. Remus felt a physical pain at the idea that Sirius could possibly think that.

“They beat you, Pads!” Remus choked out, still stroking the hand. “That’s not okay. It looks...” He couldn't find words for just how bad Sirius looked at that moment, thin and battered and somehow still defiantly in denial.

“You clearly haven’t been eating…” interjected James.

Sirius opened his mouth to say something

only to be interrupted by the loud screech of the Black family owl careering into the room through the open window. Everyone jumped and Sirius looked horrified as the owl landed in his lap and extended a leg snootily. A small note was tied to it. Remus exchanged glances with James.

Sirius quickly tore the note from the owl, who immediately turned and flew out of the window.

“Just ignore it, Pads,” James pleaded softly.

Sirius opened the note and read.

_Sirius,_

_Where in the name of Merlin are you? Mother and father discovered you were missing last night. Father is livid that you used the Floo in his study._

_Because you’d run off, they punished me instead. They wanted me to let you know that it was because of you._

_They used the Cruciatus curse on me. I’m sorry I didn’t believe you._

_Please come home,_

_Your brother Regulus_

Sirius shook violently, scrunching the letter automatically in an angry fist. It was all his fault. His parents had known just how to get to him. They had Crucio’d Reg and it was all his fault.

Sirius stood abruptly, ignoring the vague sounds of Remus and James asking if he was alright. The world was spinning. He let the duvet fall of his barely-clothed but now perfect body and bent to pick up his trousers. His whole body ached beneath the glamour but he dismissed the pain, swallowing back the taste of vomit as it rose up his throat.

His shirt and trousers yanked on, he stood to face James and Remus, his wand in one hand. James was watching him apprehensively.

“Pads-” he began.

“Don’t, James,” said Sirius, more harshly than he’d intended. “You’ve said enough. That note was from my brother. I need to go. I need to go back or they'll punish him instead of me.”

James looked shocked but determined. He and Remus both took a step forward at the same time, resolved to physically stop him if they had to. In response Sirius turned his wand shakily in their direction and they slowed, faces wary as if approaching a cornered animal.

“ _Don’t try to stop me_ ,” the voice that came out of Sirius was harsh and steely and commanding, like his mother’s. “I know you think you’re doing me a favour but I have to go. I _can’t leave him_.”

“Sirius,” James said again, pleading now, begging. “Please. Stay.”

Sirius stepped back towards the door. With one glance at Remus to convey what they needed to do, James dived for Sirius, intending to restrain him physically if necessary, but suddenly found himself frozen, tumbling through the air and crashing to the floor, nose-first. Remus’ frozen body crashed painfully onto his legs a second later. The last thing Sirius took in was Peter bolting upright from their makeshift bed and blinking in shock at where James and Remus lay sprawled.

Sirius turned in shock and ran down the stairs, choking out “I’m sorry”. He couldn’t believe he had just used Petrificus Totalus on his friends.

It was yet more proof that he was a Black. He belonged with his family. He'd been so _stupid_ , to think he could escape. To think he could forget.

Everything happened quickly after that. With no time to comprehend – Regulus _needed_ him - Sirius raced into the living room, aiming for the fireplace. Euphemia and Fleamont Potter looked up from where they were sat at the kitchen table sharing a pot of tea after bidding farewell to their guests.

“Sirius, son-” Fleamont began. Sirius froze and turned, still backing towards the fireplace.

“Are you heading somewhere?” Euphemia inquired gently. Sirius nodded guiltily, grabbing a handful of Floo and stepping quickly into the fireplace.

“To your parents’?” she asked, moving from the table, immediately realising the situation.

James and Remus barrelled into the room, followed by a breathless Peter.

“Mum, no, stop him, they -” James began to yell but it was too late.

“I’m sorry,” muttered Sirius as he dropped the Floo powder and was consumed by the green flames.

“NO!” Yelled James, diving for the fireplace but Sirius had gone.

Remus felt the air catch in his throat and he struggled to get his breath. Sirius was gone, he’d gone back to… them, the family that beat him so cruelly. How could this happen?

James jumped into the fireplace and grabbed a handful of powder, ignoring his dad’s insistent protests.

“Grimmauld Place!” he cried and vanished.

Fleamont Potter let out a low moan as if in pain and followed his son through the fireplace. Remus just stood frozen, staring at the fireplace. _Sirius was gone._ Peter sat down heavily on the sofa, blinking.

“They won’t find him,” said Euphemia sadly, cradling the teacup she’d never let go of as if for comfort. A heavy worry line was drawn on her forehead.

Remus was so full of fear he was unable to speak. It was Peter who found the words to ask, “What do you mean?”

“Their house is undetectable. Only those who know its exact address can see it. The Blacks are well-known for it.” James’s mother wore a pained expression.

Within ten minutes there was a loud rushing noise. James and his father had returned, their faces full of anger and resignation. Remus jerked upright from where he had finally sat on the sofa in a daze.

“I’d better contact Dumbledore,” Fleamont informed his wife. “Maybe there’s something he can do.”

“Not bloody likely,” muttered James angrily.

 Fleamont put an arm round James’s shoulder. James shrugged it off, arms tightly folded. Fleamont exchanged glances with his wife before returning to the Floo and stepping through.

“James… I know you’re worried. But it will be alright. We’ll do everything we can,” Euphemia tried. James just shook his head adamantly. When he looked up his mouth was tight and pained.

“Mum you didn’t _see_ him. His glamour wore off overnight and he was…” James tried to find words but couldn’t. “His parents _beat_ him, mum, like, really badly. I can’t believe… I don’t understand… why would he go back to that?!”

Euphemia hugged him properly then.

“These things are complicated, Jamie… he’s lived in that house for a long time. Maybe he’s not ready to let it go.”

*

Coughing violently, Sirius tumbled to his knees when he landed in the fireplace of his father’s study. His first thought was _Regulus._ His second thought was that it seemed imminently likely that he was going to throw up. All that alcohol combined with Flooing had given him a pounding headache as well. As he staggered to his feet, he tried his best to rub the soot from his eyes even as he coughed it up from his lungs. It wasn’t until he’d succeeded that he was able to open them and take in what was in front of him.

It was as if he’d been doused in ice. Before him, lined up elegantly in the dark study, stood his father, mother, Regulus (who looked surprisingly _fine_ , if a little remorseful) and… there was someone else. Someone Sirius had seen before. It was the slimy bald man with the face like a potato who had relentlessly brought Sirius into the conversation back at his first formal dinner during the winter holidays.

But that wasn’t the only time he’d seen him, Sirius realised with cold horror. At the Potter’s new years party, when he’d kissed Remus at midnight, he’d caught the eye of that same man from across the room. He’d seemed familiar at the time, but drunken Sirius hadn’t been able to place him.

Now he saw that this had been a grave mistake. This man had seen him kissing Remus and reported back to his father.

He was dead.

Behind his back, Sirius subtly slid his wand out of his pocket. His father’s sharp eyes spotted the movement and with a swish of his own wand, Orion held Sirius’s aloft in his hand. Sirius watched in silent panic as his father locked his wand into his desk with a final _click_.

Sirius backed towards the fireplace but another swish of his father’s wand had him frozen solid.

His parents were eerily calm and quiet. It unnerved Sirius more than if they’d shouted. Regulus looked wary, his huge eyes staring apologetically at Sirius as if finally realising what had happened.

Orion broke the silence, leaning forward and spitting his words into his son’s face. “Filthy faggot. You’re a disgrace and a shame on this house. It’s time you finally learnt, boy. _Crucio!_ ”

Sirius’s screamed as his body tore with pain, all his circuits lit up with a million balls of flame exploding through his mind, red agony

and then nothing.

 

 

 

 

Sirius awoke in absolute darkness to a strange scrabbling noise. He sat up tentatively, aware immediately of an itching, shooting pain throughout his entire body. He gritted his teeth, hissing as he tried to move. He automatically felt for his wand to cast ‘lumos’, but it was gone. He was in the cellar. The place of his nightmares as a child.

“Sirius.”

The noise was more distinct now. Regulus’s voice. Sirius shuffled in the direction of the voice. One of his legs felt very cold and gave a sharp twinge of pain every so often. That couldn’t be good.

Now his eyes had adjusted a little more, he could make out the thinnest strip of light under the door. He took a deep breath, fighting the claustrophobia that this realisation produced.

“Sirius!” said the voice.

“Reg?” His voice was croaky, as though it hadn’t been used for days. How long had he been here?

“Sirius! I-I I’m sorry, they _tricked_ me, they told me I’d be helping you if I sent that letter, I just wanted to help you-” Sirius had never heard Regulus so uncontrolled, almost sobbing and begging forgiveness.

“Shhh… s’okay Reg,” Sirius mumbled as a wave of dizziness rolled over him.

“Are… are you okay?” his brother asked worriedly.

“I’ll live,” Sirius responded with a conscious effort at cheeriness.

“Sirius… dad was so mad. I’ve never seen him like that. You need to get out of here. I’ll find a way, I’ll help you-”

“Reg, no. You’d be in so much trouble. Don’t worry about me. I’ll be okay.” Even as he said it, Sirius felt his weak body sink back to the floor. He was just so _tired_.

Regulus' voice echoed in his ears. “Sirius? Sirius!!”

*

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well that got depressing :( Poor Sirius! Just when we all thought it was going to be okay...  
> Also I don't really like how my writing turned out in this chapter, ergh.  
> Thanks so much for all your feedback and comments!


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: torture, abuse, homophobic slur

Sirius had no idea how much time had passed but when he next opened his eyes, it was dark. Even the light under the crack of the door had been extinguished. The darkness seemed weighted. The air felt too heavy to breath.

“Reg…” he groaned but no one answered. As he moved his foot something tinkled against the hard ground. It sounded like metal.

Reaching one sore hand out slowly, Sirius felt into the darkness and touched the cold metal of a bowl and the handle of a spoon. Someone must have come while he was unconscious, to feed him like a dog.

It took barely a minute for Sirius to devour the contents, he was so ravenously hungry. Somewhere in his pain-addled mind he laughed to think this was the most easily he’d eaten a meal in god-knows how long. They’d even managed to take that from him – taken away his own personal protest. His control.

After that, he slept again.

The next time he woke – and it could have been hours, or mere minutes later – the light was back, just the thinnest strip but even that was soothing compared to the darkness. Suddenly there was a creaking sound. A tiny hatch in the door which he had never noticed before opened. A huge pair of ears were silhouetted against the light.

“Mistress asked Kreacher to feed the blood traitor and Kreacher has done so. Mistress would like Kreacher to tell the blood traitor that she will be down shortly to begin his lessons.”

Before Sirius could so much as respond, Kreacher had slammed the little hatch.

Lessons?

This could only be bad.

*

James decided if something didn’t happen soon, he’d go insane.

No less than ten supposed ‘adults’ were standing around the Potter’s living room trying to help. These included several teachers (McGonagall, Pomfrey), his parents, three of their friends (a lawyer, historian and expert on magical law), two Ministry representatives and bloody Dumbledore, who was _supposedly_ one of the greatest wizards in the world. And they still weren’t any closer to getting Sirius back.

“It’s a matter of proof,” one of the wizards from the ministry was saying airily. “And even then it would be difficult-”

James gritted his teeth and butted his way in. “I _saw_ it. I have proof.”

The ministry wizard seemed to look right through him as though he wasn’t there.

“Firm, _incontrovertible_ proof,” the man repeated.

“Well if you burst into the Black house right now, I’m sure you’ll get all the proof you need! Maybe you’ll get there just in time to watch them kill hi-” James cut himself off before he could voice what was too horrible even to consider. Remus was there suddenly, dragging him away, anger etched on his face, a face which seemed to have aged five years in the last two days.

“Don’t you fucking dare say that,” he hissed angrily at James. “He’ll be okay. We can’t think about… that.”

James had never seen Remus look so angry. James glowered back but remained silent. He had to admit he was right. There was nothing to be gained from imagining the worst. But having seen the truth behind Sirius’s appearance, how could they not imagine the worst?

That video kept playing over and over in his mind, of Sirius sitting up in bed and stretching like nothing was wrong. The duvet slipping off and revealing his technicoloured chest and torso, his bruised arms, slices and cuts on his face and torso, the emerging colours of a harsh black eye. His expression when he’d realised that they’d seen: shock, but mainly shame. Sirius was so _ashamed_ of what had happened to him.

The very worst thing had been that shift: that moment of Sirius’s realisation. The calm, peaceful boy who had just woken up transformed into a tense, humiliated and abused boy as soon as he remembered.

It wasn’t bloody fucking _fair_.

There was a _whoosh_ of the Floo and James’s breath caught as it had every time he’d heard it, in the hope that Sirius might have made it back to them of his own accord. A flash of red hair emerged. It was Lily. James thought wryly that this was the only time he’d ever been disappointed to see her.

Wordlessly Lily passed through the group, grabbing Remus and yanking him to her in a deep hug. James felt a pang of something as he watched. He was so selfish. Remus must be in so much pain. His friend’s entire forehead seemed permanently creased in agony, still trying to grasp the loss.

He was possibly the only person in the world who loved Sirius as much as James did. Maybe even more?

Lily wrapped James tightly in a hug when she reached him. “I’m so sorry, James,” she whispered.

James let himself cry then.

*

Sirius was screaming, again. He heard it as if he was floating somewhere high above, looking down on his gasping, convulsing body. The curse stopped and he breathed great mouthfuls of air frantically.

“Have you learnt your lesson?” A clipped, steely voice spoke into the semi-darkness. Walburga Black stood in the doorway of the cellar, wand pointed toward her son where he lay on the floor, chained to something heavy by a shackle around his ankle.

“Y-yes,” begged Sirius in a whisper. He was so far beyond resistance now. Sweat and blood dripped down his face, narrowly missing his eyes now that his hair was short.

“I don’t believe you.” The icy words felt like a death sentence. Sirius whimpered.

“ _Crucio.”_

Blinding agony again. The world was gone from him and Sirius seemed to float, suspended in space by his pain. Vaguely, blurrily, he heard the words his insane mother was barking at him, as if by sheer repetition she could force them into him:

“Ungrateful little faggot blood traitor-”

“ _Mother_!”

Sirius groaned as the pain ceased and he registered the soothing cold floor beneath him. He heard Regulus’s voice, detached and polite as usual.

“Pardon me for interrupting, mother. There’s a Ministry owl just arrived. It looked very important.”

Sirius couldn’t see his mother’s face as the light was behind her but after a brief pause she replied, “very well” and swept away, slamming and locking the door behind her.

There was a moment of beautiful silence, broken when Sirius coughed up something that he prayed wasn’t blood. The metallic taste in his mouth said otherwise.

“Sirius?” Regulus’s voice came quietly at the bottom of the door.

“Reg,” was all Sirius could manage. He felt a twist of nausea in his gut and suddenly vomited. Jesus Christ.

“Sirius…” Regulus sounded desperate. “I don’t know what to do. You need to get out of here. I’ve never seen her this bad.”

“I know,” Sirius managed to get out in between spitting mouthfuls of blood. An instinctive desire for self-preservation had kicked in. He fully comprehended just how risky this situation was. He couldn’t save Reg. It was all he could to do to keep himself alive and work out an escape.

“I don’t know how to help…” Regulus was close to tears, his cold façade completely shattered.

“There’s nothing you can… Reg… just stay away. Keep yourself safe.” Sirius felt focused, his words were clear and urgent. Then something dawned on him. It was so obvious he couldn’t believe he hadn’t thought of it. “In my trunk, Reg, there’s a shard of mirror. Pass it through the hatch, when you can.”

The next day, Sirius heard the tiny square of door opening and a bowl of food being shoved roughly towards him. This past night had been unbearable until sleep mercifully took him, but this morning he felt surprisingly calm and newly resolved. His desire to survive kept him focused, gaining control over his disordered mind by thinking of his imminent escape. When he wasn’t working on that he was thinking of Remus and James and Peter (but especially Remus), allowing his love for them to keep him going, to remind him why he had to stay alive.

It was for these reasons that he ate the food he was given, every last scrape of the bowl. He’d be damned if his bloody mother was going to starve him to death.

Starving himself was his own personal privilege.

He wondered what the others were thinking. Their faces when they’d seen him without the glamour were not something he’d forget anytime soon. He couldn’t help feeling he’d betrayed them. All they’d asked was for him to stay with them and let them keep him safe…and he’d run straight back to Regulus without even thinking it through. He’d been so stupid, to run back into their trap. And it might cost him his life.

He’d been informed that he would receive ‘lessons’ every day until he learnt how to behave in a manner befitting the Black heir. Considering the previous day, he was not feeling hopeful. The Cruciatus curse could have severe, long-lasting effects with prolonged and repeated usage - he had learnt that in Defence against the Dark Arts. He just hoped he could hold out. At least he hadn’t seen his father again – though that in itself was disconcerting. More often it was his father who dealt with his punishments.

_Perhaps he couldn’t even bear to look at you._

He hoped Regulus could get the mirror to him soon so he could contact James. He cursed the fact that it only worked for him and James to use, or Reg could have called himself. He didn’t know what the situation was for Regulus either – it was quite possible he’d been locked in his room by their mother, just in case Sirius somehow tainted her favourite son.

So, if Regulus couldn’t come, he had several options, none of which were very promising. He could do nothing, just sit tight and ride it out until he was rescued. Ha. That was pretty much impossible – no one could find the Black house.

Or, he could pretend their lessons had worked and that he was…what? Straight and willing to marry a pureblood girl of their choosing? Enamoured by the dark arts? There was no way he’d be able to convince them. Even if he knew just what they wanted, he wasn’t a good enough actor to undo years of his character.

The only other possibility was to create some sort of distraction or diversion of some kind. Something that means they would take him out of the cellar, if only for a short while. And then he’d have to make a run for it, somehow. Get to the door or even to his room, to the mirror.

The odds weren’t in his favour.

*

“James! Wake up. Prongs! I know how we can save him!”

Blearily James opened his eyes. His bedroom was pitch black. A frantic-looking Remus was shaking him by the shoulder.

“Wha-? Moony? What time is it?” James rubbed sleep from his eyes before grabbing his glasses from the table. Remus’s earnest face loomed over him, amber eyes wide and scars shimmering in the pale moonlight.

“It’s about 3am, James, _I know how we can save Sirius_!” Remus was still shaking him absent-mindedly and James grabbed his hand to stop him.

“Moony. Stop. Sit down and tell me what’s going on.”

“No, no time, we’ve got to go to Dumbledore now.” Suddenly James was being dragged from his bed despite the fact he was only wearing his pyjamas. He managed to reach out and snag his wand from the bedside table and tucked it into his pyjama pocket before Remus led him firmly down the stairs, ignoring his protestations, holding his hand tight like a mother leading a reluctant child.

“Hold on, Moons,” James said again. “We should probably let my parents know…”

“There’s no time to lose, Prongs!” Remus’s voice was high and desperate and James noticed for the first time just how tired he looked.

“Okay, okay. Let’s go and see Dumbledore,” James agreed.

After a brief Floo journey, the two boys stumbled out onto the fireplace in Dumbledore’s office. Dumbledore was sat behind his desk, fingers steepled as he eyed the two of them over his half-moon spectacles, as if he was expecting them.

“Good morning Mr Lupin, Mr Potter. To what do I owe the pleasure?” He asked kindly.

“Sir, I’m sorry for barging in, and so early too, but I know how to rescue Sirius!” Remus stated quickly with polite desperation.

Dumbledore peered at him closely. “I’m listening.”

“Sir, I…” now Remus looked a little embarrassed and even ashamed. “Once when I was in your office and you had stepped out for a moment I… I couldn’t help but notice you had a pensieve.” Remus pointed to an unassuming corner of the room filled with cabinets and bookshelves. He felt thoroughly embarrassed at having to admit that he’d looked through Dumbledore’s cabinets. But this was a matter of life or death – even more important, as it was _Sirius’s_ life at stake.

Dumbledore’s eyes were glittering, however, and he did not look angry.

“I see… yes… that certainly wouldn’t hurt,” Dumbledore was muttering, as if Remus had explained his idea.

James looked as confused as he felt. “I don’t understand,” he piped up, in the hope that someone would make it clear to him.

Remus turned to him and quickly explained, “well, the main thing getting in the way of ministry involvement is the fact that we don’t have any proof that Sirius is being abused by his parents… the pensieve is a way to store and show memories. You and I have seen his injuries. Our memories of them could be proof enough.”

A wide smile broke out on James’s face and he punched the air before grabbing Remus in an enthusiastic hug which more resembled a headlock.

“Yes Moony! You’re bloody brilliant, that’s what you are. Let’s do it!”

Dumbledore was smiling a little, too. He raised one hand in a ‘pause’ gesture.

“Yes, yes, a good idea on Mr Lupin’s part. However, I think, Mr Potter, that only your own memories will be suitable. Mr Lupin’s memories may raise… subjects which do not need to be brought to the ministry’s attention.”

Remus blushed. He wasn’t sure if Dumbledore was referring to him being a werewolf or his relationship with Sirius, but he certainly wasn’t comfortable with the ministry seeing his experiences of either.

James stepped forward, having finally grasped the potential importance of what they were doing.

“Okay, then let’s do this! There’s not a moment to lose!”

*

The mirror didn’t work.

The second Sirius had heard the ever-so-slight creaking of the hatch in the door, he’d been awake and alert.

“Reg?” he’d whispered so softly he could barely hear himself. Crawling silently towards the door, he spotted the thin sliver of mirror in the hatch as it briefly flashed from Regulus’s wandlight. He stretched out a hand and just managed to grasp the very edge, pulling it from Regulus’s hand and just brushing his brother’s fingertips. There must have been some kind of silencing charm from the other side as he couldn’t hear anything but he imagined he could feel Regulus’s presence just beyond the door. He tried to crawl closer, but the chain round his ankle prevented it.

Then the sensation was gone; the hatch slid shut and Sirius was alone again.

“James? Prongs! Prongs, it’s me!” he whisper-shouted over and over in desperation, the dark mirrored surface held out in front of him in the darkness.

There was nothing. Sirius tried every variation of calling James’s name, but the mirror stayed blank. Deep down he knew it wasn’t working, that there must be some enchantment on the cellar that prevented it, but he clung to the hope that maybe James was just asleep.

It wasn’t until well into the next day (marked by the return of that thin sliver of light) that he finally gave up. When it was time for his lessons, he stuck the mirror into the waistband of his trousers to stop his mother finding it.

It wasn’t until he’d stopped screaming and his mother had left him alone again that he noticed the mirror had cut painfully into his hip, leaving a trail of blood down the top of his thigh.

*

Not one of the other members of the emergency committee who gathered again in the Potter’s living room the following morning seemed as excited as James and Remus that they now had proof of Sirius’s abuse. The viewing of the memory had produced shocked reactions among most; however, after taking it in turns to watch the memory in Dumbledore’s pensieve, the Ministry friends of James’s father merely looked wary. The larger and older of the two, the ridiculously-named Mr Bumble, had reacted by removing his glasses, giving them a thorough polish, and shaking his head.

“I commend your clever thinking, young Mr Potter, and this certainly does constitute proof… nevertheless, it does not mean that we would be successful if we were to bring a case against the House of Black, nor that it would even be possible.”

James glared behind his glasses. “What do you mean? Why wouldn’t it be? It’s the abuse of a minor, it seems pretty simple to me! I guess the ministry must be just as corrupt as everyone says it is!”

There was a shocked gasp from several people.

“Maybe we’d be better taking some time to think about these new developments and reconvene in a few hours, what do you say?” suggested Fleamont Potter cordially. James threw his hands in the air in frustration and left the room. James’s parents exchanged glances and Mr Bumble turned to his ministry colleague to continue a hushed conversation.

Remus moved to stand by the window, one hand clasped tightly on the window pane. He was finding it hard to control his anger, particularly as the full moon was less than a week away. Why couldn’t anyone except he and James understand the urgency of this situation? They could be beating the life out of Sirius… right now…

From his elbow there came a polite cough. A jovial-looking man, the Potters’ friend and expert on magical law, stood beside him.

“I’m sorry, son,” he offered sympathetically. “I wish we could do something to help. But the issue is more complicated than old Bumbles over there makes clear. Even if we did get a search warrant, that wouldn’t tell us the Blacks’ address. Only a handful of people in the world know it and none outside the family would dare tell it.” He patted Remus’s shoulder amiably before wandering off.

Remus couldn’t help the growl that escaped his throat. There was no hope, then. No one seemed to think so. The Blacks were so powerful it was hardly surprising that no one outside of the family would dare tell it.

It came to him in a flash. Maybe there was _someone_ inside the family who would help them. Someone who hated the rest of their family as much as Sirius did. Someone who would be prepared to betray them.

*

Sirius didn’t want to be awake anymore.

He had been sleeping almost continually since his imprisonment. It wasn’t like there was anything else he could do. Not in the dark, sinister basement with a shackle around his ankle. His mother had visited him again a few hours before, the only point of variation in his routine of nothingness.

He didn’t know how much more he could bear.

Every time he tried to think of some plan, some way of escaping, he was left feeling utterly hopeless by the realisation that there was _nothing at all_ he could do. He was going to be here until his parents had destroyed him – in one way or another. Whether by turning him into a mini-version of their evil, bigoted selves or by… damaging him so extensively that he couldn’t cause them any more shame, Sirius didn’t know. Either was horrific.

But it was clear they wouldn’t actually kill him. Or surely they’d have done so already.

The fact that his father hadn’t been to see him corroborated this theory. His father’s punishments took the form of physical violence, whereas his mother’s were mostly psychological. Perhaps his parents had noticed his already weakened physical state and decided that the best way to destroy him – but not _kill_ him – was his mother’s methods.

The methods in her madness had become hideously clear. Her torture was designed to make Sirius associate the pain of the Cruciatus curse with the trigger-words she barked at him. _Muggleborn. Potter. Gay. Moony._  

(Where she’d got this last one, he could only wonder. She must have intercepted Remus’s letters. He couldn’t bear to wonder whether Regulus had betrayed him again. It was horrible to have such private, intimate words as these shouted back at him.)

So, hopefully they didn’t want to actually kill him. But would they care if he died? That was different. The fact that they had been feeding him suggested otherwise. It would have been very easy, and ironic, knowing his… weakness, if they had left him to starve to death. Especially as he was pretty far gone already.

_Merlin._

This was insane. Sirius pulled at his hair, pain allowing him to resurface from these thoughts.

How could he be rationally debating whether his parents wanted to kill him?? It was absolute madness to even think of such a horrific thing.

But the Blacks _were_ mad. And rationally dealing with their madness was the only way he was going to get out of here.

He’d had an idea. But it was a last resort.

It was a dangerous idea. Dangerous to assume he understood their madness, that it was predictable in any way. Dangerous because it was based on the assumption that they didn’t want him to die. Dangerous because if he was wrong about that assumption, he _would_ die. But he had nothing else.

He had to try.


End file.
